Letters from the Asylum
by NarutosBrat
Summary: In which letters get written, hijinks ensue, and Harry discovers the 'power the dark lord knows not'.
1. Chapter 1

This fic was inspired by AJT's That Boy Is Trouble, and SilverWolf7007's Dear Order. Both are amazingly funny stories, and this will probably pale in comparison, so I'd advise reading this first, so as not to be disappointed as a result of reading the better fics which inspired it. Also, fair warning, characters are OOC, but hopefully not overly so in most cases.

Disclaimer: I hate Deathly Hallows. The only good things about that book, are that it gives H/Hr shippers an exceptional plot device to push the two best friends together, and it gives Harry a rather obscure way to possibly hook up with female ghosts (Master of Death thing).

Also, Dumbledore isn't evil or manipulative, he's just old. He falls into one of the classic trappings of not realising that the way folks handled things back in his prime, might not exactly be the best way to deal with similar situations in the present.

Also, the first Austin Powers movie came out a year earlier in this than what it really did, and the us and uk releases were the same week rather than the original uk release.

The sex warning is for a small part near the end of July, and for sexual innuendo.

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Legacy

O_O passage of days where pov doesn't change

888888 passage of days where focus changes

888 passage of less than a day

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July 3

Harry had been home from Hogwarts for a week, and already he was going stir crazy. Because of a certain group of Order members, his aunt, uncle, and cousin had been going out of their way to ignore him. While they didn't hamper him- and for the first time, he was eating properly while staying with them- neither did they deign to acknowledge his presence other than at meals. Even then, it was only to scowl in quiet contempt at his audacity to dare take a normal portion for himself.

He would admit there were some perks to the situation. As mentioned before, he was eating better this summer than he had all the previous years combined. There was also the fact that with the relative cease fire, and the lack of time and energy consuming chores, he was given the opportunity to do his homework right away, as opposed to doing it at the last minute at the Burrow. It had also given him ample time to think about Sirius. Come to terms with his death. Come to terms with his part in that death. Realize that while he did play a part, there were others who were just as much to blame for it. And while it had taken some time, he'd grieved, and moved on. Of course, nothing was ever that simple in Harry's life.

Those same boons were the actual cause of why he was feeling so mind numbingly bored out of his gourd.

The Dursleys avoiding him might have given him plenty of time to do his homework, but the problem with that was that incoming Sixth Years didn't have any summer homework to do. Until they received their OWL results, they wouldn't know what classes they qualified for, so there was really no point assigning homework to students who might not even be taking your classes the next year. Although now he thought about it, wouldn't it make more sense to assign the homework, and _then_ tell the students who didn't plan to continue those classes not to bother with it?

In the same token, why did it take so long for the OWL results to come back? The examiners only had two years worth of students to grade, unlike the five the other professors did, and they had the grades for the students posted by the end of the first week of vacation. Not only that, but weren't they grading the practical exams as they went? That alone should have cut things at least in half since the only practical exam that couldn't be graded as it was being performed was the Astronomy exam. Then again, it was just another illogical thing about the magical world.

In earlier years, Harry would have been happy to have his list of chores cut down; this year, not so much. The lack of chores also meant that he had a lot of free time on his hands. The bad thing about that became apparent fairly quickly, as there was only so much you could do on Privet Drive, and only so many times you could do those things before they got old. Things had gotten so bad that he'd started volunteering to do chores, but his uncle was so spooked that he quickly sent him away, while peeking over his shoulder in a spike of paranoia.

As a result of the sheer amount of boredom he was experiencing, Harry did something that he'd have never considered away from Hogwarts: he revised. Of course, doing this without Hermione really brought home just how piss poor a student he'd been the past five years. Seriously, with a madman like Voldemort trying to kill you every year, one would think that the one on the receiving end of that attention would be learning and doing all they could to defend oneself. Not only that, but they'd be taking useful subjects like Ancient Runes, rather than Divination.

Well, it was better late than never he supposed.

Sadly, revision hadn't really helped him much. With the underage magic bans, he could do the theory work just fine, but he couldn't put his theory into practice without getting an owl from the Ministry. He was kind of regretting getting rid of those books he'd tossed. Given that he didn't plan to continue Divination or History, he'd donated those books to the library, and tossed Lockhart's collection and that useless Defense book Umbridge assigned into the garbage before leaving Hogwarts. Not that he'd have read them if he still had them, anyway. That just left him with five years of most of his core subject texts. To Harry's shock and horror, he finished with those a lot more quickly than he thought he would- especially since books like Potions and Herbology only used one book up through OWL year.

When he'd gotten around to reviewing his Potions book, Harry had actually been excited- thinking that maybe he'd have the chance to practise one of his subjects after all. That good mood was ruined when he then realized how bad an idea that was. For one, he was low on ingredients, so probably wouldn't even make it through the first few chapters. For two, regardless of the fact that they were ignoring him, he doubted that would last if he started brewing potions in the Dursley kitchen, and filling the house with the putrid fumes of many of the brews.

So desperate for something to do, Harry had actually sent in a letter to Flourish and Blotts to order the third through fifth year books for Arithmancy and Ancient Runes.

By the time he'd been there for over a week, the only thing he really had left to look forward to to break the monotony was writing to the Order. Sitting down at his desk, Harry pulled some parchment, ink, and a quill, and began to write.

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July 4

The warm, breezy day found Hermione sitting beneath the apple tree at the Burrow, reading and revising while Ron and Ginny flew overhead, practicing for the Quidditch tryouts coming that fall. While she wasn't very much of a fan of the sport, she was a fan of her friends who played. Funny thing, despite her developing feelings for Ron- which actually surprised her when she first realised them- it was Harry who she enjoyed watching play the most, even if his daring playing style drove her absolutely spare. It had taken her years to figure out why that was, until she realised how happy he looked flying around the pitch. Harry being unrestrainedly happy, his truly pleased smile- which had been coming less frequently since Halloween of their fourth year- was what she enjoyed seeing.

Still, she glanced up from her notes every now and then to watch the two redheads: Ginny darting around trying to score, while Ron manned the hoops trying to stop her. She had to smile at the speeding witch. Ginny really was a gifted flyer, proven when she'd taken over for Harry as Seeker the year before, but she was an amazing Chaser. Ron was getting such a workout from their practices that if he didn't get leaps and bounds better, she'd eat her shoe.

Just as she was about to go back to her revisions, she heard the familiar bark of a certain Snowy Owl. Turning her head, she could see that it was indeed Hedwig, and that the white avian had indeed gotten Ron and Ginny's attention too. She smiled, knowing that it was Harry's letter to the Order, and began packing up to head back to the house and see what he had written. To her shock, Hedwig banked left towards her, and started a descent into a landing. Raising her arms, she was surprised when the owl landed on her forearm with nary a scratch caused, shimmied up to her shoulder, and rubbed against her cheek in a sign of affection she'd only ever displayed for Harry, before holding out the leg with the rolled up scroll attached.

Almost as soon as the two redheads landed, Hedwig took flight, landed on Ginny's shoulder, and proceeded to rub against her cheek as well. Figuring that since it had been sent to her, it would be okay to read it, Hermione did just that.

_Dear Order,_

_You asked me to write you every few days, so here it is. I'm not doing anything right now, and haven't been for almost a week. Thanks to your warning, the Dursleys are avoiding me. The only problem with this is that I was kind of counting on their chores to help me through the summer boredom that is Privet Drive. I've already read through my texts- all five years in every subject- and reviewed my notes._

_Ron, I know this may seem barmy, but Hermione was right. Actually studying early, and having time to fully process what you're reading makes you understand things a whole lot better than putting it off, and not having that time. Now I can just imagine the look of horror when you hear this, but I actually got so bored that I owl ordered the Arithmancy and Ancient Runes textbooks._

_While the Arithmancy was as dry and boring as Slinkhard's book, Runes is actually a fun subject from what I've read so far. I know you're shaking your head, but figuring out the kinds of mischief that you can get into without getting caught from leaving a magical signature is brill, even moreso than making up predictions of your own death in the most overly dramatic and unbelievable ways possible like we used to do for Divination homework. _Speaking of,_ since I'll probably be dropping the class, you can have all of my death notes, and I'll still be happy to help you fake your own for class._

_If it's not too much trouble, Hermione, I was wondering if you wouldn't mind sending me a copy of your Runes notes?_

_By the way, I got your letter, and I'm wondering what are you doing at the Burrow so early? I thought you were spending the summer with your parents._

_Help,_

_Harry_

_Ps. In case you're curious, yes Hermione, I did ask Hedwig to give you and Ginny a hug from me. I didn't send Ron one because I didn't think he'd want a hug from a bloke__, even if it's being delivered by a gorgeous bird__. Though if I'm wrong, let me know, and I'll make sure Hedwig has one for him as well next time._

Hermione smiled at Harry's letter, glad that he was finally taking her advice. She had to hold back a laugh as Ron reacted just as Harry predicted he would.

"He's right though, Ron." Hermione chided. "If you worked on your homework before, rather than waiting until the last minute, you could spend a bit more time on trying to actually understand what you're reading, rather than having to speed though it in a hurry to finish your essays."

Much to her surprise, he didn't react at all like she suspected he would; never knowing that actually speaking to him, rather than bossily lecturing at him had had a bigger effect on whether or not he tuned her out. Deciding that since Harry had actually vouched for it, he may as well give it a try, Ron did just that. She couldn't help but blush- and she noticed Ginny did too- at Harry's post script, though they did get a laugh at Ron's reaction.

The two redheads went back to their practice, while Hermione headed back into the house, and delivered the letter to Mrs. Weasley. She then headed up stairs; but not before asking the woman to make a copy of the letter for her so they could write him back. Once she'd gotten her copy, she hurried up the stairs, just as the floo turned green, and Dumbledore stepped out.

Upstairs, Hermione had just pulled out her supplies to reply to Harry's letter, when she was interrupted.

"Miss Granger, I must implore you to cease communication with Mr. Potter." Dumbledore said, appearing in the doorway. "If any of those letters fell into the wrong hands, it would be disastrous."

"With all due respect, sir, I highly doubt anyone would be able to get any information about the Order from our letters. Not to mention I followed your instructions last year, and that severely fractured my friendship with Harry, and while he forgave us, it took almost until Halloween before things were back to normal, and I'm fairly certain that a common enemy in Madam Umbridge was the cause. I don't want to go through that again. Besides, after losing Sirius, Harry doesn't need to be isolated like he was last year."

"Please Miss Granger, consider my words carefully." Dumbledore tried again. "It is very important that you not place Harry or the Weasleys in such danger. You don't want to do that, do you?"

"No sir, I don't." Hermione replied, realizing that this was one of those arguments that wasn't going to amount to anything.

A bit of passively reading her surface thoughts told Dumbledore that she truly did believe his caution. Too bad he didn't hold it longer, as he'd have found out how senile she thought he might be becoming. While she would never want to be responsible for Harry being in danger, it was highly unlikely that the letters they'd been exchanging would be of any value to Voldemort. She didn't know why the headmaster wanted Harry isolated, but after seeing how Harry was last year a summer after Cedric's death, she knew without a doubt that isolating him after Sirius was a big mistake.

A half an hour later, Hedwig was winging off to Little Whinging with a bundle for Harry.

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July 5

The morning of July 5, Harry woke to the sound of...well, nothing really. It was mind jarringly quiet on Privet Drive, because by the time he woke in the mornings- usually between 9 and 10, sleeping later because he didn't have to make breakfast anymore- all of the morning commotion of residents heading to work had already come and gone by 8, and the nosy housewives wouldn't start nosing about for at least another hour or so. Sitting up in the bed as he grabbed his glasses and put them on, he saw that Hedwig had returned from her delivery, and that she not only had a reply, but a bundle for him as well.

Harry grinned, hoping that was what he thought it was. "Hey Hedwig, good delivery?" The bark he received in reply brought another smile to his face. He wasn't sure about other owls, but Hedwig was almost human in her intelligence and understanding, and if he were honest, she also acted just a bit smug about it too. Climbing out of the bed, he ambled his way to the desk, and pulled the bundle free, allowing his friend to go and do her own thing for the time being. He was momentarily startled when she climbed up his shoulder, and snuggled against his cheek for several moments, before taking flight, retreating to her perch to rest.

Opening the letter that was on top of the package, and noticing that it was again much shorter than normal, he read.

_Dear Harry,_

_Oh, I'm so proud of you. I always knew that you were much smarter than you allowed yourself to be. I'm very happy that you're taking your studies more seriously, but I'm kind of saddened that it was boredom that brought on this magnificent change. Yes, Ron was decidedly horrified, but after having it explained to him, and being challenged to try it for himself, he had to admit- even if grudgingly- that I was right. While it didn't happen until he and Ginny didn't have enough energy to continue their Chaser-Keeper drills, he did at least make an effort. Thank you for that, because I know he'd have just ignored me again without you vouching for it._

_Of course you can use my notes- which you will notice I sent with Hedwig- but I must warn you, you will not be using my third favorite subject- after Arithmancy and Transfiguration, of course- for mischief, Harry Potter._

_Ginny wanted me to mention that she thanks you for the hug- as do I- and to let you know that Hedwig sends our love back to you. Ron didn't send you a hug, but he was in agreement that we all miss you._

_Now, as glad as I am to hear about all of this, I want to know how you're doing, Harry. I admit that I'm worried about you, and I just know being with your relatives can't be good for you after last year. I'm here for you if you ever want to talk._

_Love,_

_Hermione_

_P.s. I'm here because my parents decided to take a second honeymoon, with the specific intent of making me a big sister. __Before you say anything,__ yes I already noticed that this letter is several times shorter than my normal books to you are, but that's because we're keeping in more frequent contact, so there's not as much to tell you as opposed to the one or two letters we usually exchange where I've got so much to share._

Harry smiled at Hermione's note. He was happy to be receiving mail from at least one of his friends. Of the three staying at the Burrow, though, Hermione was the least likely to be intimidated into not writing by Molly. While he understood their plight, and was glad that they were at least sending messages through Hermione, he'd have liked a letter from them. With a frown on his face, Harry turned to the short note with flowing script that had been delivered by Fawkes the day before. He had no doubt he knew why they weren't writing.

He didn't quite understand what Dumbledore's problem with him writing with Hermione and the Weasleys was. Everyone in the Ministry- which Voldemort had obviously infiltrated- knew where the Weasleys lived. Dumbledore's blood wards supposedly protected him from Death Eaters and Voldemort. Not to mention, there really wasn't anything that anyone could really get from intercepting the mail he and Hermione were exchanging that wasn't already common knowledge. So what was the bloody problem with he and Hermione keeping in contact? Was the old man trying to purposefully keep him isolated for some reason?

Glaring at the note, Harry ignored it in favor or pulling out writing supplies, and replying to Hermione's letter. Anything that would break the boring monotony of his current stay at Privet Drive was a welcome distraction.

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July 7

Hermione was in the room she shared with Ginny when Hedwig flew into the window. There was an Order meeting going on in the kitchen downstairs, so naturally, she, Ron, and Ginny had been shooed off. Ron and Ginny had chosen to go outside and practice Quidditch some more, but it was just a bit too warm outside for her, so she'd decided to just read indoors. Not really feeling like schoolwork, she'd taken to reading one of Ginny's old Boy-Who-Lived books, and found herself rolling her eyes every few pages. If Harry were to ever read one of these, he'd likely be horrified at what children grew up believing about him.

She did find it a bit ironic that in the five years she'd known him, he'd done something heroic that either matched or surpassed the heroics portrayed in the books. Hermione couldn't help but feel sorry for all of the Boy-Who-Lived fangirls- though admittedly not very much- because none of them would ever have a chance with the real Harry due to certain expectations garnered from books like this. It was a shame, really, because in her humble opinion, the real Harry was far and away the better catch. Quite happy for the distraction from the mind rotting novel, she retrieved the letter from Hedwig, opened it, and began to read.

_Dear Hermione,_

_First off, __TMI about your parents, although I can admit to hoping they succeed. You've been the closest thing to a big sister __I've ever had__, and you've done a swell job of it, so your little sibling would certainly be lucky. __Before _you_ say anything- well, maybe not before at this point-__ I wasn't going to say anything about the length of your letter, honest._

_Now, as to your question of how I'm really doing, to be perfectly honest, I'm decidedly traumatized. I woke up this morning after having an extremely raunchy dream involving you, myself, a distinct lack of clothing, and a whipped cream bikini. Now please don't take this the wrong way, as it's nothing personal against you. Honestly, I find you to be quite pretty, but just the concept of thinking of someone that way who I'm not romantically involved with, and who I care so much about, felt decidedly wrong;_ guilt inducing even_. Though in all honesty, under different circumstances, I probably would have enjoyed that dream, and I seriously hope that I can face you without feeling guilty next we meet._

_What makes it so bad, is that everything that reminds me of you brings that image of you covered in whipcream, writhing and gyrating, to my mind, and I react. Haha, just kidding, I can just see the blushing, scandalized frown on your face. While I'll admit that I find you very pretty, and I did have a dream about you, it wasn't nearly as raunchy as that. I was actually having a dream about your wedding day, odd as that may seem. Couldn't tell you who the bloke you were marrying was, as all the faces were blurred except yours and I was kind of like a ghost in the back of the room; but I do know that Ron and I were part of the wedding, since I heard your dad mention to you that we clean up surprisingly well. I will say that you made a lovely bride, though._

_By the way, I received a letter from Dumbledore yesterday telling me something rather odd. He seems to think that me writing to the Order is a good thing, but that writing to you is risky. HUH?! According to Dumbledore's note, aren't you in the same place that the Order's Headquarters currently is?_

_Given how Dumbledore responded to our other letters, and my plans to write this letter, I'm guessing he disapproves. If I don't receive a reply from you, I will assume that you've been banned from writing me again, and that he's done something that makes it impossible for us to receive letters from each other. Do me a favor, and tell him and the Order that should this come to pass, I will be very __belligerent__ and uncooperative with their leader when I finally do get out of here._

_Anyway, thanks for the notes, and it's great hearing from you._

_Love,_

_Harry_

_P.s. As for how I'm really feeling...I'm dying here, Hermione. Send help, preferably a few dragons. I'm sure Charlie can borrow a couple._

Hermione smiled as she read Harry's latest letter. If she didn't know better, she would have suspected that Harry was trying to flirt with her. She knew her face had turned even redder than Ron was prone to when she read that section about the whip cream bikini, and she felt flattered by both the compliment, and his 'reason' for feeling so bad about the dream. She'd be lying though, if she tried to say she didn't like the thought of modeling a whip cream bikini for the man she loved. In all honestly, while she was just a bit scandalized that he'd actually put it in a letter, and she had blushed, it wasn't so bad that she'd frown. He was just being silly after all.

What did cause her to frown, was the fact that Dumbledore had written to Harry urging them to cease contact. Harry made a very good point about the temporary headquarters being the Burrow, and the letters to the Order. If that wasn't considered a risk, then why was her writing to him, and Harry writing her a risk?

What she couldn't figure out was why he wanted Harry isolated so badly. Did he have some kind of plan for Harry that involved Harry feeling sad and alone? It was very suspicious, and it was even more disconcerting. While Snape, the Ministry, and Umbridge had gone a long way in ending her blind trust in authority figures, what Dumbledore was doing to Harry was starting to make her lose faith in them almost completely. It stunk even more, because it was professor Dumbledore this time who was proving Harry right about being unable to truly trust authority.

Still, she was always happy to hear from him, even if she was just a bit worried about his post script. She was glad though, that he was at least admitting to it, instead of just saying that he was fine. Just as she was about to start on a reply, a voice sounded behind her.

"Ah, I see that Hedwig has arrived, though I will admit she's a couple days early." Dumbledore said. "If you would kindly pass me that note, I will take it down to the meeting."

"The letter's not for the Order, sir, it's for me." Hermione replied.

"I see. I was hoping that Harry, and you especially, would listen to reason, but it would seem that I overestimated you." Dumbledore said suddenly, but to his utter shock, his disappointment in the young witch didn't even seem to faze her. Sighing, he left the house, and began casting wards over the property. By the time he was finished, the only letters that could be sent and received by Hedwig to the Burrow were the ones addressed to the Order. All others would be redirected to an adult Order member nearby.

While he didn't want to isolate Harry, and he wasn't even opposed to Harry receiving letters from his friends, the frequency of the letters between the two of them worried him. It wouldn't take much for a clever Death Eater- and despite all the evidence to the contrary, Voldemort did have a few- to notice the owl, and to follow it; either to Privet Drive, or to the Burrow. While he was sure that the wards at Harry's home would protect against Tom's forces, having taken Harry's blood, he wasn't completely convinced if Voldemort himself came calling. That was why it was imperative that Harry not do anything to alert Tom to his location.

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July 10

A few days later, Harry sat at his desk- in actuality an old table with a comfortable chair he'd been forced to purchase for himself through Moony- waiting for a letter from his best friend. Sure it had only been a couple of days, and it was entirely possible that she'd been busy, but the boredom was getting to him again. Shrugging, Harry settled in to write the customary letter to the Order.

_Dear Order,_

_I'm fine for the time being, but please for the love of all things holy, get me the bloody hell out of here._

_Love,_

_Harry_

O_O

July 13

After nearly a week with no reply from Hermione, Harry began getting suspicious. He and Hermione had been writing to each other just about every other day, even if the letters were mostly nonsense stuff. The fact that he hadn't heard from Hermione in several days stunk of senile old man interference. Deciding to make sure that it wasn't just because of something silly, Harry sent another letter to Hermione this time writing out a list of everything that he thought Dumbledore might be suffering from in his old age: from senility to incontinence to impotency.

While tying the letter to Hedwig, Harry gave her the very explicit instruction not to let anyone but Hermione take it from her. He even gave her permission to make their displeasure of stealing mail known in any way she chose. Two days later, Hedwig returned with the unopened letter, and ruffled feathers. Whoever had upset Hedwig had tried to capture her, and take his letter, so that meant somewhat friendlies. Had it been a Death Eaters, they wouldn't have bothere with capture, they would have just killed Hedwig and took the letter, or at least attempted to. Hedwig was as speedy as a fly, and particularly vicious when she wanted to be. Either way, she wouldn't be ruffled if that were the case, so it still pointed towards friendly interference. That meant that while Hermione was at least still safe, the Order was tampering with his mail.

Removing the letter from his familiar, Harry asked. "Did you get whomever tried to take it?" The smug feelings he got from her made him grin. "Good on you, girl."

As she took off out the window, Harry wondered how he might get even with the Order for being a nuisance to him, rather than making themselves useful against Voldemort. Maybe it was time to start thinking more; maybe engage his Slytherin side. After all, the hat had said he'd fit there. After a half an hour of thinking, an idea popped into his head, but it was still missing something. By the time he went to bed that night, Harry was grinning widely. A call to Dobby, and a bit of devious magic later, left Harry ready to enact his prank.

The next morning, Harry addressed his final letter to the Order of the Phoenix. Inside was his warning shot in a likely one sided prank war. His dad and Sirus would have been proud, and Fred and George would probably congratulate him for it.

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July 15

A light rain descended on Devon one evening in mid July. An evening that found the Burrow's kitchen nearly bursting with wizards and witches of all ages- well, all ages above seventeen, anyway. The order had assembled for another of its club meetings. The main reason for the meeting was that Harry was due to send another note, though several members complained to themselves about whether it was necessary to convene the entire Order for such an endeavor. While no one was willing to say it, they were all hoping for someone to have some kind of news so that it wouldn't be a wasted amount of time waiting on the letter from Potter.

Luckily for them, both Kingsley and Remus had news. They were also in a bit of luck that just as Remus was wrapping up his report on the werewolf clans in Ireland- those who'd chosen to migrate away from the coming civil war, rather than pick a side, knowing that either way they chose, it was a thankless group that they would be fighting for- that Hedwig flew into the kitchen window. After cirling the room, she landed on the table in front of Dumbledore. Upon relieving the beautiful white owl of her burden, the headmaster of Hogwarts was forced to stifle a shocked gasp when she gave him what amounted to the avian version of the finger, before taking off, and flying out the way she came in.

Not even his worst scowl of disapproval could stifle the snickers and snorts of laughter from the twins, their eldest brother and his fiance, a certain changeling, and the marauder she hoped to coerce into the sac with her. Opening the note, he found the parchment to be blank. Thinking that Harry had somehow cleverly disguised his writing, probably with invisible ink from Zonkos, Dumbledore tapped the parchment, and cast a revealing spell. To his amusement, writing appeared.

"Well, what does he say?" A voice asked.

Smiling, Dumbledore cleared his throat, and read. "The Legacy Marauder suggests that Greybeard the Pirate give this letter to Mr. Moony, and ask him to say the password. You wouldn't happen to know what he's talking about, would you, Remus?"

"You mean to tell us-"

"-that we were in the presence of greatness-"

"-and no one thought to tell us?!" Fred and George were beside themselves in annoyance, but were quickly shushed by their mother.

Taking the sheet from Dumbledore, Remus pressed his wand to the parchment, and started. "I solemnly swear-" He paused when more writing appeared, and he couldn't help the chuckle that erupted. Once he'd calmed himself, he continued. "I solemnly swear...that Harry Potter is a sexy bitch."

And with that statement, even more writing began to appear on parchment as everyone reacted to the 'password'. Reading what was on the page, he couldn't help but burst into a howling laughter.

"If you would care to share with the rest of us, we'd be grateful." Dumbledore said.

"Congratulations, you've finally succeeding in unlocking the instructions to get to the letter." He started. "To actually _read_ the contents of this letter, you'll need a person whose still subject to the Underage Magic Laws to perform the password."

Dumbledore gave a deep, frustrated sigh, much to the amusement of several others. "Remus, would you please fetch Harry's friends?"

"But Headmaster, they're too young to-"

"It's only for the letter, Molly, as it seems they're the only ones capable of reading it." Arthur said. "I'm sure that he won't have them doing anything dangerous."

"Oh yes, because they've never been in dangerous situations before." A voice- that surprisingly belonged to Snape- sneered in their defense. Everyone of course decided to ignore the comment, since they didn't want to admit that the children had clocked more battle and evil fighting time than most of them had. It was especially so in Molly's case, since her youngest two children had fought in more battles against Death Eaters than she had; and they'd only been in one.

A few minutes later, Remus returned with Hermione, Ron, and Ginny. As soon as they hit the bottom of the steps, Ron immediately asked. "What's going on?"

While Hermione had been tempted to ask the same question Ron had, upon seeing the note on the table, she already had an idea what they were there for. The Headmaster's answer that their help was needed only confirmed things.

Instead, she chose a different question. "So what does Harry have to say that you can't understand?"

"What makes you think this has to do with Harry?" Hestia asked.

"Considering how insistent you've been on keeping us in the dark, even after that proved to be a mistake?" She started dryly, earning a couple winces. "With the three of us actually being included in this meeting, it obviously involves Harry, and something he's said or done that only we know him well enough to interpret."

"They don't call her the brightest witch of her age for nothing." Fred said, smirking.

"Though, when you're friends with our brother and Mr. Danger is my Middle Name, you kind of have to be." George replied.

"Too true, brother mine."

When the Order finally got around to revealing what had happened so far, Hermione had to resist rolling her eyes. While it wasn't how she'd expected him to do so, she was glad that Harry was once again acting like a normal teenager, even if he was doing the whole rebellious teenager thing. Still, she couldn't believe that Harry was quoting Austin Powers; and she would never, even on pain of death admit that she had seen and somewhat enjoyed the movie. Sure it had been funny when her 4 year old cousin had declared himself a sexy bitch, but her nana's mild heart attack as a result of the declaration was significantly less funny. She also found herself curious as to when and how Harry had gotten away to see it.

"So we just have to press our wand to the letter, and say the password?" Ron asked. "Sounds simple enough."

Ginny, who was closest to the note, pressed her wand to the note, then blushed and gasped at what appeared. "Are you sure?" When she was coaxed into moving things along, she shrugged, and said loudly. "I am a sexy bitch!"

"Ginevra Molly Weasley!" Molly exclaimed after hearing her daughter vulgar declaration.

"But that's what it says, mum!" Ginny complained. "And you told me to do it."

"Molly, it really did say that, and remember it was almost the same one Remus used." Arthur said, placing a hand on his wife's shoulder. "Though I can't read what it's saying now.

As this was happening, Ginny looked down at the parchment as more words began appearing. In Harry's messy print, she found the following statement.

_I'm sure you are Gin, but sadly for the Order, you're not the designated messenger._

"What does Harry say?" Dumbledore asked, curious at her response.

"Um, he says that I'm not the person you need." With that, she turned, and headed up the stairs. Ron and Hermione, who could both surprisingly read what was written gave amused reactions, having seen the deepening red of the retreating teen's face. Seeing that this was a rather interesting prank that he seemed to be in on, rather than the butt of, Ron went next. Molly's face turned red when her son declared himself a sexy bitch too, but her husband's hand rubbing her back, as well as the fact that it seemed to be the password Harry had chosen, calmed her enough that she just huffed in annoyance. She would be having words with that young man about his language.

Snickering to himself for getting away with foul language in front of both Hermione and his mum, Ron read his message aloud.

"Harry says that he wouldn't know personally, since I'm not his type, but he's sure there's someone out there who'll agree that I am."

"Is that all?"

"Oh, and I'm not the 'Chosen One'." Ron quoted, snickering, and causing Hermione to roll her eyes, the urge growing to powerful for her self-control to prevent any longer. Leave it to Harry to make fun of his new nickname.

Severus Snape, who was lurking in the shadows, was not amused. "I can't believe you're pandering to that arrogant little brat. There's obviously no note, he's just wasting our time, so why are we even bothering with this?"

Ignoring the Potions master, like everyone else tended to do during meetings unless he had something viable to say, Dumbledore turned to Hermione, and declared in an unnecessarily dramatic manner. "I guess that means Miss Granger is our only hope."

Heaving a great sigh at being forced to use foul language, and mentally reminding herself to express her displeasure to Harry later, Hermione placed her wand against the note. In a fairly accurate impersonation of Austin Powers, that was sadly- and unsurprisingly, completely- lost on the rest of the room, she said. "I am a sexy bitch."

To her amusement, the words that appeared confirmed she'd done right.

_Congratulations, you have given the proper password. Oh, and between us, yes, you most certainly are._

Seconds later, those words- which had gotten a blush from her- disappeared, and Harry's messy scrawl began to race across the page as his actual letter appeared. Not sure whether they would be able to read it if they took it away, Dumbledore insisted that Hermione read the note.

_Dear Order,_

_I noticed that I haven't received a letter from Hermione in over a week. This can only mean that we've been restricted contact. I know this, because I asked Hedwig not to allow anyone but Hermione to take my last letter, and she returned it unopened._

_I will not hold this against you unless I find that you were a part of Dumbledore's decision. After a rather interesting conversation with my aunt, in which she expressed surprise that I hadn't started going through a rebellious teenager phase, I've decided to do just that. As a result, just to be an arse, I'm having Hedwig deliver every letter from here on out to Hermione, with instructions to attack anyone else who tries to take it. I've also asked Dobby to charm all of my parchment so that only Hermione can read it__; so even if you do force Hedwig to hand it over, you still won't be able to read it. Although good luck with that, as my Hedwig is pretty hardcore__._

_Ginny, Ron, I appreciate the well wishes you sent in Hermione's letters, and wasn't __overly__ bothered by you not writing me yourselves. If Dumbledore said not to, then your mum was going to ensure that you didn't, and we both know how intimidated you are of her. It's just too bad that she places so much stock in a senile old bat whose not only losing touch with reality, but who seems to have started believing his own hype, and can't see that just because he's reached geriatric status doesn't mean he's so much wiser than others that he can ignore __everyone's__ opinions in favor of his own._

_By the way, I think my aunt's been molesting me in my sleep, because I found a pair of her panties on my floor, and I've suddenly contracted a case of crabs. Well, gotta go, I've got a doctor's appointment to get my situation looked at. I'll write later._

_Love from,_

_Harry_

_P.s. I'm still physically and mentally fit...or at least as sane as someone whose stuck here could be._

Dumbledore's assurances that Harry would be fine, and that he was just lashing out failed to reassure some members who were starting to think that maybe they should go get Harry. Even more unbelievable, especially in light of what Miss Granger had told them, was Dumbledore being convinced that Harry's threat was mostly empty, as Dobby was in his employ, and wouldn't have disobeyed his orders. He was seriously underestimating Dobby's devotion to Harry.

O_O

July 22

When the three days passed, and there was no letter, certain members of the Order started getting nervous. Dumbledore, however, was unfazed, and was sure that Harry was either throwing a tantrum, or trying to send a message.

When a week passed without a letter, that nervousness had turned to uncertainty. While certain members either didn't care, or were mostly agitated that a child wasn't doing as they were told, those that really knew Harry weren't at all surprised. Finally, when the meeting broke up with nothing from Harry, Dumbledore agreed to allow a small group- consisting of Moody, Remus, Tonks, and Kingsley- to check on him. They'd been chosen specifically for their having the greatest ability to blend in with Muggles, as opposed to some other members who were just...just no. While he'd have liked to send Severus as an extra insurance, the less time the two had to spend together over the summer, the happier both would be. Considering how connected they were by a rather wonderful redhead he'd had the distinct pleasure to know, one would think those two would have at least tried to get along for her sake.

The next evening, the four man Order team descended upon Privet Drive ready for a fight...only to find they'd overreacted, and that Dumbledore had grossly underestimated the young wizard he was so obsessed with. Upon arriving at the door, and knocking, they were forced to wait several moments before the door actually opened.

Now Vernon Dursley was a disgruntled, overweight, bigot on the best of days. Having just returned home from a very long, and very frustrating day, only to find that not only was his dinner cold because he'd been so late, not only had his son greedily taken the largest steak for himself, not only had he had to wait an entire five minutes before he could eat his reheating dinner- which wouldn't be half as good as if it hadn't required reheating in the microwave- but now someone was at the bloody door making him have to postpone his meal _even longer_. Whoever it was better be damn important, because if he had to reheat his dinner a third time, ruining the food even further, heads were going to roll.

Snatching the door open, Vernon was greeted with the sight of three men and a young woman standing there. He was about to yell and curse before his eyes landed on a very familiar, very freakish eye. It was seeing that eye that led him to recognizing who his visitors were, and he wasn't happy at all.

"What the bloody, buggering hell do you freaks want?" He growled, his voice dripping with offense, as he tried to keep his temper in check like his doctor had instructed him- as his risk for heart attack, stroke, and aneurysm were quite high- and his stress levels weren't helping. "I did what you wanted after you threatened me. We haven't bothered the boy at all this summer. We've left him alone just like you people wanted, and even took him off his chores. He's even been sending those bloody letters. I know, because I personally saw the boy do it three days ago."

Unfortunately for Vernon, Moody was a paranoid bastard, and with a glare, growled. "I'd like to believe you, but I don't like or trust you, so you'll have to forgive me if I'm not inclined to take your word. Now we're going to go check on the lad. You can either step aside out of our way, or we can move you."

Glaring at the man and his freaky eye, Vernon stepped back, and allowed them entry, completely ignoring the polite apology that the brown haired freak with the pedophile mustache tried to give him.

The four magicals climbed the stairs, and approached Harry's room. None of them liked what they saw upon reaching his door. Locks that locked from the outside, and a catflap...there was nothing about this situation that said Harry wasn't being held against his will. About the only thing positive they could see at the moment was that the locks were undone. Hoping that Harry was okay, Moody entered the room...to find a wand pressed into his temple.

"If you don't want me to redecorate my door with your brain, you'll identify yourself to my satisfaction." After they'd done so, Harry lowered his wand, but didn't relax.

"I like the initiative, but remember that Death Eaters travel in packs." Moody growled. "Holding me at wand point wouldn't have worked once the others started cursing."

"I can see the front door from my window, so I knew you were here before you even got in the house." Harry said. "If you had been Death Eaters, or someone I didn't recognize, I wouldn't have bothered giving you the chance to identify yourselves. Remember, I have an Invisibility Cloak, and I had the drop on you. You'd all be dead by now if you were a threat."

"Well, I'm just glad that you're okay." Remus said. "When we didn't receive a letter from you for almost a week, we were worried that something might have happened."

To their shock, Harry smirked. "What makes you think I didn't send any letters? My uncle wasn't lying when he said he'd kept his word."

"But we didn't receive any." Tonks said.

"Do you remember what I wrote to you in the last one you got?" Harry asked. Thinking back, it was Kingsley who remembered first, and answered in his deep voice.

"You said that you were sending all further letters to Miss Granger." He sighed. "But Dumbledore has warded both this house and the Burrow against any letters to and from you that aren't addressed to the Order."

Harry just shrugged. "I was serious about what I said in my letter. The past two letters to the Order were sent to Hermione with the same password instructions as the other one. It's not fault that you haven't gotten the letters. If the letters are really that important, I'd suggest discussing the problem with Dumbledore, since it's his wards that are preventing you from getting them."

Despite the cheekiness of his reply, Tonks and Remus couldn't help being amused by the response.

"Right, you keep writing, and we'll deal with the wards." Moody said. "You are still planning to send them through Granger, correct?"

"Don't see why I should change that at the moment." Harry answered with a shrug and a smirk.

O_O

It was four amused Order members that floo'd into the Headmaster's office a half hour later. "Well, is everything alright?"

"The boy is fine, but he's not too fond of you at the moment." Moody said.

"Did you find out why he stopped writing?" Dumbledore asked.

"He didn't stop writing." Kingsley said, earning a confused look from the old wizard.

"Harry did exactly as he said he would." Moony revealed, a smirk playing across his face. "He sent the letters to us by way of Granger. The very wards you erected to keep those two from writing to each other is what's keeping us from getting ours."

"Face it Albus, you underestimated his stubbornness, and the lad outsmarted you."

Quite reluctantly, Dumbledore was forced to change the wards to allow letters for the Order addressed to Hermione.

O_O

July 24

The next evening found the Order gathered for another meeting, with the expectations that a note from Harry- who'd agreed to write again- would come. After an annoying, disappointingly unproductive brainstorming session- which the twins were starting to think were the norm, and giving them the impression that they'd been had- Hermione was summoned to the kitchen in anticipation of the arrival of a snowy while owl. A short bark announced her arrival, and everyone watched as she circled the room, before landing on the fridge. Just as Hermione was about to go and retrieve the letter, she was instructed to head back upstairs.

"Sir?" She asked.

"While addressed to you, that message is for the Order." Dumbledore said. "While I thank you for navigating this lovely owl to her destination, I believe we can take things from here."

Seeing Hedwig's eyes narrow in what seemed to be the owl equivalent of a glare, Hermione tried to warn him, "Sir, I don't think that's a good id-", but it was too late.

"Well, I did try to warn you." Hermione said minutes later, unfolding the note from Harry as she eyed the bite and claw marks on Dumbledore's hand.

Trying to deflect attention from his embarrassment- as well as his mutilated hand- Dumbledore nodded at the letter. "If you would, Miss Granger."

_Dear Order,_

_I am bored out of my mind!_

_I sincerely hope that someone will read this, and come rescue me soon. Without summer homework, or extra reading, or chores to do around the house I'm more bored than I've ever been in Binns' class._

Hermione paused and winced at that, as did everyone who'd had the ghost as a professor, except Dumbledore. "Something wrong, Miss Granger?"

"Sir, the only things that keep him awake in Binns' class are me, or if he's sufficiently distracted by something else." Hermione replied.

She was surprised when Dumbledore actually looked shocked at that. Now don't be quick to judge the old man. You see, back when a 43 year old Binns first started teaching History of magic- back at the start of Dumbledore's third year in 1894- he was a very lively and engaging professor, who was quite passionate about his subject, much like Flitwick was. It wasn't until he started getting on in years that his teaching style and enthusiasm began to drop to what it currently was, around the time Professor McGonagall became a student in 1947. Six years later he died, which did nothing for his teaching abilities.

Hermione turned back towards the letter, hesitating for several moments, before someone told her to keep reading. With a sigh, she continued aloud.

_Did you know I actually got so bored that I spent the past three days masturbating? And on that note, I'd like to go on and apologize to Fleur, Tonks, Hermione, Ginny, Hestia, Mrs. Weasley- Mr. Weasley too for fantasizing about his wife- and Madam Pomphrey._

_I would like to again apologize to the first four- and likely the last one- because there's a very good chance that one or more of them will feature prominently the next time I need to tug out my boredom, and the latter because since she's the only medical professional I know well, __and so __all of my naughty nurse fantasies will probably end up being about her. I hope to Merlin, God, and several other deities that you come get me before I start thinking about my aunt Petunia that way. I mean, sure she was hot at one time, but she's really let herself go since she had Dudley._

_Anyway, just thought I'd mention that I'll probably be writing a lot more. Since these letters give me something to do, I'm going to take advantage of that to help with my boredom._

_With love,_

_Harry_

After the note was placed on the table, should one look around the room, they would notice several redheads with exceedingly smug looks on their faces. These looks were mirrored on the faces of a brunette teen, a pink haired young woman, and the mustached gentleman who'd just snorted into the cup of tea he'd been sipping from. One would be awfully surprised at the reactions some people had to what Harry wrote.

Tonks was decidedly amused, as she knew teenage rebellion when she saw it. She knew that he was trying to get a reaction out of the adults- having done similar when she was that age- and found the way he'd done it absolutely brilliant, especially considering the looks on Molly and Hestia's faces. Besides, she was sexy and she knew it, even if Remus did seem to be trying to ignore her. There was a tiny mature part of her that was annoyed at yet another male seeing her as a fantasy object, but it was crushed under the aforementioned knowledge of what he was doing by her larger, much less mature side.

Fleur didn't know what to think at first. Later, after talking with Bill and Hermione about it, she thought the entire thing was a rather crude, albeit slightly amusing, joke. The only reason she didn't find it funnier than she did, was because like Tonks, she knew exactly how most men thought of her. Given the type of lecherous attention she'd been receiving since she was thirteen, she sadly couldn't find as much humor in the letter as the others.

Hestia and Molly were horribly scandalized at the contents of the letter. That some boy was masturbating to thoughts of them was just indecent. And for Molly, it was even worse, because the boy was her son's best friend. Arthur, naive as he was, couldn't blame the lad for thinking of his wife in that way. Molly was definitely a very fine example of woman; though he did gain a small bit of perverse amusement that Harry had actually said so in a letter.

Madam Pomphrey- who'd been there to give Hermione a final check up for complete medical clearance after her injury last term- just shook her head in exasperation. She was flattered, in all honesty, but really, the boy was off his rocker. Still, this did provide her with a very interesting chance. She knew that no matter how much he tried, the poor lad would somehow find his way into her care at some point during the year. It would certainly be amusing to see his reaction to finding out that his words had 'stirred her desires and fantasies for her favorite patient'. It would certainly be a memorable prank; maybe if she dressed the part of the naughty nurse as well? Oh the possibilities...

Hermione and Ginny- along with Ron- who knew exactly what Harry was doing, had a nice big laugh at the whole thing. Although Ginny's comment that he would start thinking about hooking up with her after she had a boyfriend was typical clueless wizard, brought a frown to Ron's face. It also didn't help his mood that the ensuing discussion of hypothetical possibility- where both girls admitted they would be flattered if he was serious- confirmed a few of his fears in regards to Hermione and Harry.

O_O

July 25

It was a very surprised Hermione Granger who received a letter from her best friend the next afternoon. While she knew that the letter was probably for the Order, since it had come to her, she didn't see any real harm in opening it. After all, it could just be a letter for her, albeit addressed to the Order so that it would get through the wards. Reading through the short note, Hermione was only slightly saddened that Harry hadn't thought of the loophole she had, but that didn't make the letter any less interesting. Her face burned a bright red at the implications she found within. While it was entirely possible that he was making things up to get a reaction, it certainly didn't curb the crazy thoughts that had been coming to her ever since his first flirty letter mentioning certain impractical, confectionary swimwear.

Still, she knew that Harry's intention was to shock and scandalize the Order, so she'd better go and deliver it...although, that didn't mean it had to be right away.

Heading outdoors to the makeshift pitch that Ron and Ginny were practicing on, she called the two down, and showed them Harry's letter. She and Ginny- and even Ron to a smaller extent- had had a nice long laugh imagining the reactions to the letter. She almost wet herself in amusement when Ginny had rubbed her belly, given a frustrated sigh, and called Harry a bloody tease. Hermione completely surprised herself when she found herself slightly agreeing with the younger witch. Grr, what was she thinking? Ron was the boy she wanted...right?

Shaking her head to hopefully shake off the ensuing mental war her rogue thoughts were waging more and more lately, the three returned to the house to inform Mrs. Weasley that a letter had come from Harry.

A bit after seven, the Order- or at least those that could get away from existing responsibilities- were assembled in the Burrow's kitchen. Once everyone was settled, and had been informed of the meeting's intentions, Hermione was prompted to read.

_Dear Order,_

_As far as I'm aware, I'm still alive, though at the sacrifice of my sanity. Through sheer force of will, I've been able to curb my rampant masturbation. Unfortunately, this has resulted in all of those pent up hormones coming into play while I sleep, and resulted in extremely __vivid and __dirty dreams about the previously mentioned ladies from my last letter. Again, I apologize, especially for the one last night where the aforementioned women were all sporting firm, swollen bellies that were entirely my fault. All I'll say is that I expelled enough fluids to flood Hogsmeade, and everyone was a sticky mess afterwards._

_Anyway, I have to go. That dream made me realize that I know nothing about being a father, so I'll need to do some research._

_With love,_

_Harry_

_Ps. I sincerely hope that my adulterous nighttime musings don't cause any problems with anyone's relationships. If they do, again, I'm very sorry._

Upon Hermione finishing the letter, Bill just couldn't help himself. Trying his best and failing to send her a firm look, Bill asked. "Fleur dearest, is there something that I should know about?"

Fleur almost glared at him, until she saw the teasing smirk on his face. Deciding that two could play that game, she turned her nose up. "You must understand, my love, 'e saved my seester from ze lake." Fleur purred. "Ze debt for 'er life 'ad to be paid, and zere ees but one way to pay such a debt een Veela culture. I can only hope zat you can accept and love my child with 'arry as eef she were your own."

"Of course I would, my dear." Bill teased further. "You are the love of my life, and I accept everything about you."

"I hope zat is true, since I overheard Grandmere telling Maman zat zere may be such a debt, and zat I may be called upon to settle eet." At Bill's shocked, and slightly horrified look, she gave him a mischievous smile. "Not so funny on zat end, ees eet, my love."

Releasing a defeated, but still amused, sigh, Bill replied. "You win."

Fleur waved him off, accepting that they were even in regards to their teasing. "Besides, eef there was such a debt, my seester would eensist on being ze one to 'andle eet." She commented truthfully. "She 'as quite the crush you see, and I doubt zat she would appreciate or react well to another stealing 'er chance."

Molly and Hestia were of course even more scandalized than they'd been after the previous letter. Fred and George's running dialogue about the letter certainly didn't help matters. As a matter of fact, their discussion of whether their mother was still capable of having children at her age, and the amendment that if anyone could get the job done, it was Harry, had her nearly ready to blow her top. As it was, her face was matching her hair, and the look was less than flattering.

Tonks' jokes about having been knocked up by the Boy Who Lived, and not even being able to remember it, only served to add to the amused/scandalized/annoyed/etc. feelings permeating the room; made more effective when she swooned theatrically and swelled her belly up as if she were several weeks along. Between joking about the situation, making a fuss over it, or calming someone who was, none of the other occupants in the room noticed when a certain Muggleborn's face contorted into a frown. Before this summer, Harry Potter had been placed firmly in the 'not-relatioship-but-definitely-more-than-just-a-f riend' column, and she'd been firmly set in her decision to pursue her other close friend, Ron. Exchanging letters with Harry, however, had gotten her thinking about her best friend in ways that she wasn't sure she was comfortable with; though not in a bad way.

What was worse, was that between picturing the whip cream bikini, and it leading to her being swollen with Harry's child, she was having doubts about her decision to date Ron. Even more, she'd twice in the past couple weeks caught herself wondering- considering, even- what a relationship with Harry might be like.

O_O

July 26

When Hermione received another letter from Harry the very next day, it became rather obvious what he was doing. It was for this reason that Dumbledore declared any further meetings regarding Harry's letters optional, so as not to take up unnecessary time. Unsurprisingly, the only people who showed up were those who had a vested interest in Harry's well being (the Weasleys, Fleur, Tonks, and Remus), or those who were gaining tons of amusement from the letters (Kingsley and Moody). As such, Ron and Ginny were also allowed to attend the meeting.

When everyone had gathered, Hermione read the very short note.

_Dear Order,_

_Oh come on. I was sure my last couple letters would elicit some kind of response. Even a Howler or a firm rebuke from Mrs. Weasley decrying the content of my letters would be welcome and appreciated. At least then I'd know you're still acknowledging the possibility that I'm still alive._

_With less love,_

_Harry_

Turning to the oldest person in the room, Hermione couldn't help asking. "Sir, do you think it wise to keep ignoring these obvious cries for help?"

"Harry will be fine, and I fell it's good for him to get away from all the madness for awhile." Dumbledore replied, firmly believing his way was right. While Hermione would agree that this was probably true, complete isolation like he'd been suffering was a bit much.

"You only say that, because you're not going to have be here to deal with his temper when he finally gets out of that place." Ron grumbled loud enough for everyone to hear.

As much as Molly wanted to rebuke her son, even she remembered how Harry had reacted the previous summer when they'd brought him to Headquarters.

O_O

July 27

The evening of July 27 again brought the smaller cadre of the Order of the Flamboyant Pigeon- as peacocks were apt to calling the phoenixes out of jealousy- together. And again, the teens had been allowed to join the group for the reading of Harry's letter. With an exasperated sigh- she hadn't read the letter yet, but Hermione could guess what it might entail- Hermione opened the letter, and began to read through it silently, so as not to be too surprised. She immediately dropped the letter after starting the third paragraph.

"Miss Granger, what does it say?" Dumbledore asked worriedly.

"I'd truthfully rather not, but since I seem to be the only one who can," Hermione said with a sigh. "Just so you know, I did try to warn you.

_Dear Order,_

_Would it be a bother to ask for someone to write me back? I'm so bored now that I actually asked my relatives for chores. The screwed up thing, they're __still too afraid__ of Moody showing up again to actually give me more than a couple things to do a week._

_Thanks to your __blatant __neglect, I've started masturbating again! This time, I'm not going to be apologizing to anyone- even if Mr. Weasley is a great bloke- for the dirty mental ravishings of your significant others. Since you're all members of Dumbledore's Order of the Baked Buzzards, I'm not going to feel any remorse about wanking to thoughts of your wives anymore._

_That being said, would it be possible to get some risque pictures of Hermione, Tonks, and Fleur; maybe a couple of Mrs. Weasley from her Hogwarts years, as I hear she was rather sexy and __buxum?__ Maybe some ideas for dirty fantasies about them as __well?__ I've been so bored, and masturbating so much, that I've actually run out of naughty fantasies to __use!__ The naughty schoolgirl __fantasy is always relevant, so photos to match, as well as any other sexy ones you can spare, would be much appreciated;__ especially of the first three._

_With increasingly less love,_

_Harry_

_Ps. Sorry Gin, but I didn't want to invoke your mum's wrath by asking for dirty pictures of you, and considering who's currently staying there, anyone of them having dirty fantasies about you is ten kinds of wrong for one reason or another._

_PPs. Small addendum to that last thought. While I know it'll get me into a lot of trouble, I can freely admit that you and Hermione together is a wonderful fantasy worth several hours of...hard...thinking. Thanks for the help!_

Silence reigned for several moments, before pandemonium broke out, starting with the twins synchronized collapsing to the floor in laughter. There were the token looks of affront, the looks of amused exasperation, and even several glares of frustration being directed at Dumbledore to complement Molly's running rant about Harry being corrupted by the Dursleys, and them needing to get him back where he can be healed and kept an eye on.

No one would know, but Ginny and Hermione couldn't look each other in the eye without blushing for hours afterwards. Hermione even woke in the middle of the night questioning her sexuality after a rather surprising dream involving a redhead that wasn't the one she currently fancied.

888888

July 28

Mid-morning of this particularly warm day found Harry sitting in his room with a half eaten egg sandwich sitting nearby. After writing the Order of the Flaming Peacock on a daily basis for the past week, and even making sure his letters were dirty enough to get a reaction from at the very least Mrs. Weasley, Harry had finally had enough. It was only a few days before his birthday, and something told him that Dumbledore was going to be a complete git about springing him beforehand. Just like last year, and a few before, he was going to be forced to spend his birthday with his disgusting relatives. He couldn't take it anymore, so finally decided to try something new.

Half an hour later, Hedwig was winging through the air with two letters strapped to her.

888

When the order convened on that evening, it was a meeting of the full Order

Given the contents of last few letters, Dumbledore was already preparing himself to virtually ignore anything that Harry might have to say that did not pertain to his safety, or the boy's submission to the fact that he knew best, and to do as he was told. At least, that was the plan until Hermione started reading.

_Dear Order of the Stuffed Vulture,_

Hermione paused to stare up at the Headmaster for a reaction. It was plain to see that neither he, nor the members of said order were amused or appreciative of the title. It was also apparent that anyone who'd met Dame Longbottom recognized the reference being made to her hat.

_Would it kill you to write me back? I mean seriously, you were making me write to you every three days, the least you cruel bastards could do is return the correspondence. Hell, the only reason I decided not to tell the lot of you to bugger yourselves, and stop writing, was because Hedwig seems to enjoy making the deliveries. She'd also probably express her displeasure in a way I'd rather not relive if I stopped writing, too, so you got lucky._

_Sincerely,_

_The-Boy-Who-Lived-To-Start-Regretting-Having-Done- So_

_Ps. If you don't write or come get me soon, I'm going to start writing letters to Voldemort to pass the time. And no, this is not a joke or prank._

"Okay, this has just stopped being funny." Remus said with a dangerous look towards Dumbledore. "Harry's really started to sound angry at your decision."

"I highly doubt that Harry really intends to write Voldemort." Dumbledore placated. "He's just lashing out."

"Then you obviously don't know Harry as well as you think you do." Ron said sarcastically. "He's definitely going to try it."

That actually gave Dumbledore pause, especially when Hermione nodded her agreement. "Severus?"

"I will find out if this is true." He said, leaving quickly. Once outside though, he took his leisurely time leaving the wards, before apparating back to his home. He too highly doubted that the boy would write to the Dark Lord, this was just another cry for attention. He'd simply go back tomorrow, or the day after, and tell the old man what he wanted to hear.

Of course we know that Snape's bias against all things Potter would prevent him from realizing that he didn't know Harry anywhere near as well as he assumed he did.

888

Meanwhile, in a drawing room in Wiltshire, a pale man was once again reading the letter he'd received that afternoon. For all the mutual loathing they had for one another, this was a surprisingly cordial letter from the thorn in his side.

_Dear Voldemort,_

_Y'know, after everything we've been through together, the way we address each other seems just a bit impersonal. Since I'd much prefer you call me Harry, do you mind if I call you Tom? I know you hate that name, especially when Dumbledork uses it, but we both know he does things like that patronizingly. Me, I'd be calling you Tom with affection- completely platonic, of course- so it wouldn't be so bad, right?_

_Anyway, I thought about using that connection of ours to say hi, but decided against it when I realized I might interrupt while you were doing something private. Anyway, since we don't have any summer work because of OWLs, I was bored, so I thought I'd just write and ask what you were doing this summer. I'm willing to bet your summer has been way better than mine has been. I'm of course stuck with the Dursleys again, and I'm sad to say, it's probably just as bad as that orphanage was for you._

_I was also wondering if you had any plans to send any Death Eaters to capture me. If you do, I'd like to request that you send Bellatrix or Narcissa, and that you stress to them that the most efficient way for capturing a hormonal teenager is simply asking him to follow you after he's been shagged into a blissful stupor._

_If you don't plan on capturing me, then could you at least help me convince Bellatrix or Narcissa to make a man out of a bloke? I'm honestly getting tired of that _Boy_-Who-Lived monicker, and I'd rather not take the other, more mortally hazardous, route to losing it._

_Your nemesis (or so everyone keeps telling me)_

_Harry_

_Ps. Don't kill my owl. Killing my owl would make you a dick, and the only person I consider deserving of that title at the moment is Dumbledore. Also, there might be some kind of mail blocking or diverting wards on my summer residence, so you might have to charm your letters to get through them._

He remembered the rather beautiful owl that had delivered the letter. He wasn't about to kill the owl, especially considering that it was probably Potter's familiar. That likely meant that she was to Potter what Nagini was to himself, and killing her would likely send his 'nemesis' off on one of those cliche killing sprees that usually spelled all kinds of doom for all of Potter's enemies; namely himself. He would also have to stress to Nagini not to bother the owl...although given what happened the last time his snake had decided to terrorize an owl familiar, he rather doubted that she would be trying that again; especially since Hedwig seemed quite a bit more intelligent than the other had.

Nagini had gotten lucky before, he doubted that she'd be so this time.

Reading the letter again, this time focusing on the last paragraph, Voldemort couldn't help but develop a cruel smirk. Yes, he would do just that. And if she protested, he could always tell her it was punishment for her failure at the Ministry.

"Bellatrix, I have an assignment for you." Voldemort hissed, jotting something on a scrap of parchment. "I want you to go and kidnap Potter from his Muggle relatives."

"I would be delighted to, my lord." The insane woman chirped.

"You must be cautious, however." He warned. "I have no doubt that Dumbledore has placed wards there for his protection based on intent. I, however, have found a way around them, and you must follow these instructions to the letter."

"Milord?" She asked, upon reading the instructions.

"Do you have a problem with this, Bellatrix?" He asked in a menacing voice.

"No milord, it will be as you command." As she bowed out of the room, a cruel smile played on his face again. Well, he did his good deed for the decade, and he wouldn't have to worry about being nice again for a good long time.

Voldemort had to admit he was kind of interested in seeing how this played out. He'd always been so serious in his youth, that he'd missed out on things. Pranking people, for instance, was likely the one he regretted the most because it generally involved cruelty being excused in the name of humor. Sending a _blood purist_ to a _Muggle_ house, in a _Muggle_ neighborhood, to have sex with a _Halfblood_ would certainly be a good one. And if she just so happened to succeed in kidnapping him, then all the better. If not, it would allow him to at least test the defenses protecting the boy.

888888

July 29

Harry awoke early in the morning when he got the disturbing sensation that he was being watched. Opening his eyes, he found a blurry ball of white fluff staring down at him from his headboard. Reaching for his glasses, he donned them and smiled up at his best non-human friend.

"Morning Hedwig, good delivery?" The owl fluffed herself up importantly, while holding out her leg. "Thanks girl, I put you some treats in your tray, and I even made sure they were the bacon flavored ones."

With a flutter of wings, a landing, and what amounted to a peck on the cheek- no pun intended- Hedwig made haste to her treat station. She knew she was a glutton for some bacon, which was why she was so insistent upon as much action as possible to help keep her girlish figure. Sitting up, Harry opened the letter. Later he would realize how unvigilant he was being by not checking the letter for traps of any sort, but at the time, he was desperate for communication, and beyond caring.

_Dear Harry,_

_I guess your first point does have some merit. You may call me Tom, but only when it is just the two of us. Before you even say it, yes I'm aware of how that sounded, and no it was not meant that way._

_As for my plans this summer, I was going to go and kill Amelia Bones, but when I learned that Moody had been made part of her personal guard rotation, and that no matter what, I couldn't get a decisive schedule on when he'd be on guard, I decided against it. One on one, both are capable of making me work for a victory, against both of them, it's like trying to fight a Dumbledore more __than willing to hold nothing back and use lethal force__. Even if I am essentially immortal, dying and rebodying is time consuming, extremely uncomfortable, and not something I want to make a habit of. Still, it vexes me that someone in the Ministry was smart enough to think of that. I mean, I know I soldier the pureblood cause, but mostly because __they're__ gullible enough to do what you say if you say the right things._

_As it is, I was going to just plot and plan until I got your letter. Given how famous you are, it's actually kind of surprising that you're still a virgin...but then again, all things considered, I guess you haven't really had the time to spare for it, have you? Given that I've had a fairly large hand in this, and it's wholly embarrassing for me if my nemesis is a virgin, I'm willing to help just this once. Be expecting Bellatrix within the week. You'll have to find out for yourself whether I plan to have you captured or not, but as my nemesis, I'm sure you'll figure it out._

_Reluctantly, _

_Tom_

Harry gave a wide smile, before getting up to reply. Communicating with Voldemort when he was civil and not trying to kill him was kind of fun. He had to admit the man had a rather interesting sense of humor; even if he did find it a bit disturbing that someone could so easily joke about murdering someone.

'_Hmm, maybe I could use the Tom's homicidal tendencies, and his obsession with killing me to my advantage..._' Harry thought deviously, quickly scratching out a small paragraph that might appeal to Voldemort's rage, before starting on the rest of the letter.

He'd only gotten a paragraph in, before he heard his uncle yelling. Deciding to go see what it was about, rather than ignore it and have it bite him in the arse, he went to see what was the problem...though not before adding his casual mention of Dolores Umbridge's actions, and a post script.

888

Early evening found Tom 'I am Lord Voldemort' Riddle sitting on this throne like chair, shifting in annoyance at the uncomfortable seat. He didn't know where the two slightly dim recruits had stolen the chair from, but he could hazard a guess as to why. While he wanted to punish them for it, he really didn't want to discourage initiative amongst the tools...well, unless that initiative resulted in his plans being disrupted, like Lucius' folly that had cost him one of his Horcruxes. He was definitely going to have to see about getting a new chair; because the back support for this one was terrible. Maybe he'd assign the two to steal him a more comfortable chair.

Picking up the missive that the Snowy Owl left on his side table, Voldemort spared a slight glance at his familiar- whom was currently watching the owl fly away hungrily- and shook his head. One could tell just from looking into her eyes how intelligent, and secretly vicious, that owl was. The plotting look in the snake's eyes was very telling of her plans, and he contemplated discouraging it. If Nagini did what he thought she was going to do, that owl was going cost him a familiar and another Horcrux if she decided not to show any mercy. Again shaking his head, the pale man opened the letter and read the short missive.

_Dear Tom,_

_I thank you for your vote of confidence. I have to agree that I was just as stumped as you were when I read that. I guess that's the difference between Fudge and someone with more than two brain __cells. Though__ if I'm honest, I doubt it was anyone in the Ministry that thought of it. Probably an offhand comment made by a Muggleborn or Halfblood that someone in the Ministry overheard, and regurgitated as their own clever idea. __If so, I'm shocked they didn't butcher the idea in transit so much that it became even more useless than the original plan._

_I don't know if you know this or not, but Dolores Umbridge tried to steal your thunder. She's the one who sent the Dementors after me last summer ago, and tried to have me __Kissed__. She admitted to sending them, and admitted that it was unfortunate that I'd learned how to defend against them as she'd hoped to get rid of me. She also made me write 'I must not tell lies.' with a Blood Quill until that sentence was carved into the back of my hand._

_Well, I have to go, my uncle is yelling again, so I'd better go see what he's yelling about._

_Your Nemesis,_

_Harry_

_Ps. By the way, __what kind of dirt can you give me on Dumbledore? __Thinking about him worrying himself into a tizzy over my knowing something I shouldn't know sounds like a very amusing passtime._

Placing the letter on the table next to his throne, Voldemort tried to contain his fury. That this woman had not only tried to take the kill that was rightfully his, but had also had the nerve to torture the boy in such a way without _his_ permission. No, that would not stand.

"Ministry Death Eater 16, what do you know about this Dolores Umbridge?"

"Well, she's definitely down for the cause," The man started slowly in a monotone drawl, a side effect from working in the Ministry too long, Voldemort supposed. It made him wonder how blokes like Arthur Weasley kept so lively. Although, given the rumors about his wife, that could have been responsible. "-but she's like, seriously extreme in her hatred of nonpurebloods, even by our standards. She honestly believes that anything not fully human and pure of blood- even somewhat useful creatures like Veela, werewolves, and Goblins- should all be put down. Even the traditionalists who would support our cause have called her a stupid bigot. She's also is something of a renegade, and might get ideas above her station. There's also the chance that she might take initiatives of her own, and the rumors about Harry Potter being attacked by Dementors last year have her pegged as the prime suspect. That kind incompetence could interfere with your perfectly laid plans."

"Random Death Eaters 23 and 32, tomorrow night I want you to pay a visit to Madam Umbridge, and express my extreme displeasure at her attempt on Harry Potter." Voldemort ordered. "When he dies, it will be by my hand alone. Oh, and find me a more comfortable chair on your way back, will you? This has absolutely no lumbar support."

Really now, you couldn't be a properly frightening Dark Lord with a bad back, it just wasn't done.

888

At the same time, another letter was being delivered.

After the rather serious letter the day before, the Order had unanimously decided that from there on, all meetings were full personel meetings; and none would accept the exclusion of Harry's friends as the only sources of true knowledge of the boy. The fact that Dumbledore had assured them that Harry hadn't written to Voldemort- and that this was instantly followed up by his standard declaration of trusting Severus and his judgement like it was a reflex- would only bring the latter feeling home even more once the letter arrived. Again, it was a considerably short letter, but all waited with baited breath for Hermione to read it.

_Dear Order,_

_Well, I tried to warn you. I have already written to Voldemort, and I mentioned that there may be some mail blocking wards on my residence. I also told him that I'm considering switching sides, because the people who are supposed to be my comrades have left me to rot in Durzkaban._

_Sincerely,_

_The-Boy-With-A-Face-Disfiguration_

"Are you sure you trust Severus' word on this?" Remus asked, becoming highly suspicious of Snape's truthfulness. While he didn't doubt the man's dedication to seeing the end of Voldemort, his irrational hatred of Harry- and all things Potter- made it extremely difficult to trust the man with anything that involved James and Lily's son.

"I have full trust that Severus would not lie to me." Dumbledore said for what must have been the fourth time that meeting. "He knows what's at stake here. Besides, I'm sure that Harry is just trying to get our attention like he has in previous letters."

"You really are barmy, aren't you?" Ron asked disbelievingly, wondering if this was the same Dumbledore he'd always been raised to always respect. Hermione herself couldn't believe how obtuse the man was being. "I doubt he was serious about switching sides, but Harry definitely wrote to Voldemort, even if just to be an arse or make a nuisance of himself." Ron finished, knowing full well his friend would do it.

888888

July 30

Harry had been up for nearly three hours, and while his morning so far had been great, he'd prefer to still be asleep; especially considering he'd been awake since before dawn. He'd tried to go back to sleep, but sleep just wasn't coming. Considering how relaxed and lethargic his body was at the moment, he couldn't understand why he'd couldn't sleep. Upon being awakened by the rather insistent prodding of his morning wood into her backside, Bellatrix grumpily muttered about horny teenagers waking her up before practically tearing his sleep pants off. She had then proceeded to ride him into the mattress, all the while insisting that he wait until she was awake enough to enjoy his attentions before doing it again.

Climbing out of bed, Harry padded over to his desk, and pulled out a bit of his Dobby charmed parchment. Not only did he need to send old Tom a thank you, but he needed to write the Order before they decided to come visit him again, and find out about Bella. Since he'd been writing daily, they'd probably take anything less as a bad sign. He also knew he needed to keep the letter short, because there was no telling when Bellatrix- who was currently unconscious by way of orgasm following some pre-breakfast nookie- would recover, and jump him again soon. Still, he'd happily welcome her attention, and quite enthusiastically give her a special treat as a thank you to her Master for sending the randy witch to him.

_Dear Harry,_

_Well, if you're looking for dirt on Dumbledore, then I guess you might want to know that he's gay. Not that it's really a secret though__, just not really talked about these days so the younger generation mostly doesn't know__. What you might find interesting though, is __that his lover was once Gellert Grindelwald before the man went batshit. I mean seriously, even I'm not crazy enough to go for world domination. That's just asking for trouble. __And paperwork. Lots and lots of paperwork._

_Well, I have to go, I have some recruits to initiate tonight, and it takes a bit get things set up._

_Bad as I wanna be,_

_Tom_

_Ps. Can you possibly recommend a comfortable chair? The ones my minions keep finding me just aren't up to scratch. __I'm one more bad cramp away from throwing around Cruciatus curses like they're going out of style, and the last thing I need is more braindead minions._

Glancing at the rather short missive that had come just after his newspaper, Harry decided to start with the Order's letter first, since it was the easiest.

888

The early afternoon of July 30 brought a rather sizable shock for the Order of the Putrid Pigeons. Rather than being delivered to Hermione as per usual, the letter had been delivered to the leader of the vigilante group. Well, less delivered, more uncaringly tossed in the direction of Dumbledore's wrinkled face, but still. Deciding to wait, he put the letter down, and called a meeting.

When the Order had assembled, they'd been shocked that not only had the letter been delivered to Dumbledore, but he that he could also read the note's contents. Of course, the lack of respect Harry seemed to have for the Headmaster at that moment was evident in the fact that not only was the note extremely short, but it was written on a scrap of parchment that looked to have been torn off an old essay if the E in red ink next to his name on the other side was anything to go by. Upon recognizing his own handwriting, Snape's scowl deepened even more than it normally was.

When he read the note, Dumbledore found himself the recipient of several glares.

_Dear Order of the Penis,_

_Blow Me! Since you inconsiderate bastards are going to ignore me, then I'm going to be too busy to say more than 'Blow Me!' for a good long while._

_Harry_

_Ps. Yes, Headmaster, I know all about how you used to get all naked and cuddly with Grindelwald before he went batshit. Gives a whole new meaning to the phrase scorned ex, eh?_

888

At the same time, another old man was receiving a letter from the owl. Frowning, he absently cast a silencing spell at the corner of the room where a loud commotion was taking place. When the angry screeching and fearful hissing disappeared, he decided to ignore the one-sided fight over in the corner as he opened the letter.

_Dear Tom,_

_If it's a comfortable chair you want, I'd suggest a Lay Z Boy. Sure it's made by Muggles, but I've heard they're damn comfortable._

_Anyway, thanks for sending Bella to me, she was absolutely brilliant. Azkaban may have made her a prime candidate for an insanitarium, but she can still get it done in the sac. She can do this thing to your balls with her tongue that'll drive you absolutely mental- though I'm sure you already know all about it. It's good to see someone actually taking responsibility for things they've done. That, and the fact that you've not made it a secret why you're so interested in me, actually puts you way ahead of Dumbledore in my book. You know our side is in bad shape if the 'bad guy' gets more respect from 'the hero' for being honest with him, than the supposed 'mentor'._

_I've also learned something very interesting since Bella's arrival; apparently I'm a very good lay. Bella kinda wants to stay and be my cumdump- her words, not mine- so I was wondering if you would mind me keeping her. She sends her best wishes, and hopes that you can find it in your heart to make her husband suffer an unfortunate accident that leaves her as a grieving widow for me to 'properly comfort'. She also asks that you do the same for her sister, and send her along to get a proper shagging._

_Well, I gotta go, Bella just swallowed my willy again, and it's getting hard to concentrate- no pun intended. She said she needed a quickie to tie her over during the annoying Occlumency lessons she was being forced to give Draco this evening._

_Really quite busy at the moment,_

_Harry_

The leader of the darkside found himself decidedly amused at Potter's ramblings. Potter was right on all accounts in his assessment of Bellatrix. Yes, she was mentally unstable, but the woman was a spectacular shag; not that her husband knew, though. He did wonder which thing the boy was referring to though, as she'd done quite a few interesting things with her tongue...though admittedly only two had been to his balls. That Potter had more respect for him than Dumbledore because he was honest in his desire to kill him almost made him want to laugh.

He was decidedly less amused about the next section. That the boy was naturally skilled enough to make an experienced woman like Bellatrix defect to become his personal whore was troubling. He couldn't allow the boy to turn one of his best Death Eaters- which given her insanity was kind of sad- but what could he do. Wait, he had mentioned Narcissa. Sending Narcissa in Bellatrix's place would work, and since she wasn't a Death Eater, and therefore wasn't as important an asset, she was expendable for this purpose. Besides, it wasn't like Lucius was doing anything with her at the moment.

It was foolproof. Narcissa would switch places with Bellatrix, and he would have his best fighter back. Really, what were the chances of Bella's infamous loyalty to him being overpowered by something as measly as lust for a recently deflowered teenage boy? Then again, she _had_ said she wanted to stay and be his cumdump.

Finishing the letter, he was annoyed that Bellatrix had mentioned the lessons, but figured that Potter knowing that tidbit wouldn't hurt anything.

Glancing over to the corner of the room where his familiar lay unconscious, he once again shook his head. He'd tried to warn Nagini not to bother that owl, but she wouldn't listen to him. Maybe now she would heed his warning.

"Wormtail!" He yelled. "Take Nagini to the vet immediately!"

Upon seeing the brutalized snake, he turned to his master, and couldn't help asking. "Master, what happened?"

"She got into a fight with Potter's owl, and lost." Pettigrew winced, remembering the one time he'd seen Hedwig fight. It had been back when he'd been hiding from Sirius. Apparently the Malfoys' owl decided he wanted her perch in the owlry, and thought he would take it while she was out delivering a letter. Upon returning and finding the black owl in her spot...well, it hadn't been pretty, and he still had nightmares. It was almost like Lily had been reincarnated as an owl.

"Right away, milord." Peter said, levitating the injured snake away.

"Random Death Eaters 23 and 32, I have another job for you." Voldemort snapped. "When you finish with Umbridge, I want you to find me a Lay Z Boy chair, and I want it ASAP!"

With simultaneous nods, the two disappeared. Luckily, Number 32 was a Halfblood, and knew what the master wanted. He'd be sure that he and his partner picked one up on the way back from delivering the Master's message to Umbridge.

"And someone fetch Narcissa Malfoy!" He yelled, before quietly adding. '_I have need of her talents if I'm to get by best fighter back._'

888

Just after eight, Harry found himself awakened by the pop of apparition. He just barely made out the blurry form of a person before his clothes vanished, and his todger was engulfed by a very experienced mouth. Reaching over, Harry grabbed his glasses and groaned as he stared at the top of the head of blonde hair bobbing in his lap.

For the next half hour, the sounds of obscene slurping echoed throughout the room, punctuated by equally loud groans of delight. This was followed by a harsh grunt- accompanied by the crossing of Harry's eyes- and the sounds of heaving gulps as round one came to an end. For the next three hours after that, slapping skin and keening wails of delight bounced off the walls of the smallest bedroom of 4 Privet Drive as the next 11 rounds of hanky panky took place. Although, if one wanted to get technical, ever since Bella showed up, it wasn't anywhere close to being the smallest room in the house anymore.

Shortly before midnight, Harry found himself awakened again, this time by the bark of his beautiful familiar. He just barely made out the blurry black owl as it hurriedly dropped a letter onto his bedside table next to his glasses, before flying off, giving Hedwig's perch a wide berth for some reason. Since it wasn't one he recognized, and he knew Dumbledore would be the dramatic type to send Fawkes, he correctly assumed it was from Voldemort. Reaching over, Harry grabbed both his glasses and the letter, and read the latter with the former.

_Dear Harry,_

_No, you cannot keep Bella. Mentally not all there she may be, but she's still one of the few competent followers I have. As for her request, since their __monumental__ failure against a bunch of kids, I'd been contemplating a suitable __punishment__ for Lucius and the others anyway. This just gives me an excuse to actually go through with it. After hearing Bella's bragging, Narcissa is looking forward to her turn; especially after being told how you blew her back out. What does that even mean? Anyway, she'll probably be there before this letter, and I suspect she'll be interested in moving in, and taking Bella's place as your cumdump._

_By the way, I hope you don't mind, but I named you my heir, and beneficiary to my estate should the impossible happen. If you're wondering why, I received a mandate from the Ministry- how the hell did they find me?- about a law passed several years ago. Basically, the law states that all of age heads of old pureblood houses must have an heir- whether blood or named- as well as an __indisputable__ written will. I don't know the specifics, but considering that I'm the last in Slytherin's line- heh, oops- as well as the oldest current male descendent of the two Peverell brothers who died with issue, I'm required by law to have one, and the bloody letter came with an extremely strong compulsion charm on it._

_My paperwork will be filed within the next month, so just a heads up so you know what's going on __should you wake up to find twenty pounds of paperwork waiting for you to sign a few hundred times. Seriously, it makes no sense. All of that wasted parchment for a bunch of legalese that could have been summed up in a page and a half without missing any details__._

_Tom_

_P.s. Which tongue thing are you referring to? The swirling thing, or the flicking one._

Setting the letter on the bed next to him, Harry sighed in contentment. Tom had been right about Narcissa arriving before the letter, and she hadn't wasted any time trying to get her own helping of what he'd done to Bella. While it wouldn't be till morning, he was going to have to write to Tom to find out what he meant in his post script.

O_O

July 31

The morning of Harry's birthday, he was awaken by the amazing feeling of Narcissa and Bellatrix's tongues doing wonderful things below his waist. It certainly was an oddly interesting contrast of techniques that only further served to accentuate their personalities, and sexual quirks. Bellatrix was an absolute slag in bed- and was damn proud of it- but always seemed to give off the refined air of a proper lady, even while doing things to a bloke's block and tackle that were anything but decent. Even going so far as to slam his tally into her fanny and arse while screaming at him to fuck her pussy/arse till it breaks.

Narcissa on the other hand, was much more tame in her sexuality, tending to prefer the more socially acceptable sexual positions and scenarios. With Narcissa, it was oral, then him on top, her on top, or him taking her from behind. Even still, she managed to _look_ like an utter slag while doing the deed. He still couldn't figure out how Bella looked like a proper lady performing her wifely duties while doing some of the raunchiest things he'd ever heard of, while Narcissa looked like a two knut whore while doing little more than what could be considered wifely duties.

Seriously, Bellatrix looked like Narcissa acted, and acted like Narcissa looked; while Narcissa acted like Bellatrix looked, and looked like Bellatrix acted. It made no bloody sense, and yet, he'd be lying if he said he really cared, so long as they continued to act like they had been.

Besides, it's not like it mattered at the moment anyway. What did matter was that it was his birthday, and his two lovelies were giving him a spectacular start to it. He couldn't way to see what they had planned in the way of a present.

A few hours after his rather spectacular birthday present ended- a stamina potion, followed by a strip tease, that led to hours of debauchery- Harry extricated himself from the tangle of limbs- whose owners were so far beyong shagged silly, they were currently in hibernation recovering from a near a pleasure induced coma- and sat down at his desk. Harry's eyes again found the rather amusing article that graced the special edition of the Ministry Mouthpiece delivered that morning.

He'd only had just a moment to glance at the headline earlier before being locked in a pile of writhing limbs, but now he would have a chance to actually read it. The front page was bedecked with a very interesting story; one that brought a smile to his face. On the page was a picture of a home with the Dark Mark above it, along with the headline, '_Dolores Umbridge Found Slain in Home!_' Not believing it could be true, Harry read the article.

_Tragedy struck the Ministry of Magic last evening. Our beloved Senior __Undersecretary__ to the Minister, Dolores Umbridge was found butchered in her home last evening. Around one a.m., a distraught house elf appeared in the DMLE, and reported to the night shift aurors that her mistress had been killed. Upon arriving at the scene, the aurors found the mutilated corpse of Madam Umbridge, and diagnostics revealed that she'd been dead for at least three hours. When questioned as to why she'd only just reported it, the poor, abused elf had replied that she'd only just awakened from Mistress' punishment, and found her in that state._

_Aurors on scene described the scene as grisly. Aside from the various stab wounds, the vicious slashes aross her torso, and the pulped remains of her hands and feet, she was also sporting a rather peculiar sentence carved into her back. While no one knows what 'I must not tell lies.' means, investigators believe that looking into her past actions might shed some light on the situation._

Harry stopped reading at that point, as he'd had his curiosity sated, and absolutely nothing could ruin his happiness at that moment. Between the immensely brilliant way he'd been awaken, the exceptional birthday present from Cissa and Bella, and the rather nice gift he'd received from Tom, he'd probably have to have the grin on his face surgically removed with the mood he was in.

Relaxed and happy beyond all reason, it was time to write a couple letters. Hell, he was so giddy at the moment, that he couldn't even muster up enough frustration to really antagonize the Order. Luckily he'd already sent his letter off to the Order before he was incapable of properly expressing his feelings.

As for now, a letter to his new pal was in order.

_Dear Tom,_

_Dude, I just had the most awesome birthday ever. My first threesome ever, and with two sexy, experienced, older women. __Sister, to boot. __I'll admit, at first I was worried that I wouldn't be able to handle both Narcissa and Bellatrix at the same time, cuz it's hard sometimes to keep up with them on their own, but I came through with shining colors. But I doubt you want to hear about my sexual exploits. So on that note..._

_Absolutely smashing show with Umbridge. I couldn't have done it better myself. Seriously, while I'd liked to have, I really couldn't have done it; what with me still operating on the 'proper' side of the law._

_You know, you're a very good teacher. In the two evenings you've been teaching me Occlumency, I've learned more than I did after weeks with Snape. It's too bad we didn't have someone like you as our DADA professor. Hmm, I wonder, if I can prove to you that this whole pureblood thing is absolute nonsense, will you give up the whole Dark Lord thing, and apply for the Defense position at Hogwarts?_

_Also, if you don't mind me asking, what happened that night you gave me the scar? I know you don't like talking about it, but honestly, this whole Boy-Who-Lived thing is highly suspicious to me, and I want to know the truth. The only problem is, you're the only person old enough to remember that's still alive._

_Oh, and speaking of my scar, since we got that nasty bit of you out of my head, I've been able to think much more clearly. Those Occlumency exercises are coming much more easily, and I can even use Parseltongue and understand it without having to picture a bloody snake every time._

_Harry_

_Ps. What flicking thing? Seriously, she was holding out on me, and even after I showed her the Parseltongue trick? That's so not cool. __Looks like some punishment is in order for bad girl Bella. Although knowing her, she'll probably seriously get off on it._

888

Later that evening, Dumbledore was reading aloud the latest missive from Harry. Unfortunately, by the time Hedwig had returned from delivering his letter to Voldemort, Harry had finally come down from his sex induced high, and could properly address the Order.

_Dear Order of the Retarded Ravens,_

_Blow me!_

_Harry_

Needless to say, people were not amused.

888888

TBC...


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: You think I own Harry Potter? Albus Severus Potter...enough said.**

First, you may notice that the quality was starting to slack around Ginny's birthday (August 11), that's because I was starting to get bored with this fic (blame my ADD), and wanted to get it finished with. If the epilogue seems not to follow this pattern, that's because it was already finished before I was even half finished with this chapter, back when I was still having fun with this.

Second, I like the idea of a Harry who was incredibly naturally talented in a class he never took, and so missed his true calling. For me, it's Runes, and I like to think of Runes in a similar manner to the art of fuinjutsu in Naruto. Harry's naturally gifted in the art, so he's taking to it quite quickly. In the week and some he's been sleeping with, and learning from Narcissa, he's practically learned the first two years of Runes, and is ready to start the OWL year. Yes, this is impossibly fast, but again, chalk it up to Harry being naturally talented, Narcissa's reward system for him learning, and a plothole the size of Buckingham Palace.

Also, I did some rechecking, and ironically enough, Snape's assessment of Harry's abilities were spot on with a slight exception. Aside from the Patronus, Harry really wasn't more than a mediocre wizard with a lot of power. Sure, he had the potential to be as talented and special as we all like to believe and write him to be, but the fact is, during his Hogwarts years, except for a few instances, Harry rarely lived up to that potential. Granted, the few times he did, it was pretty spectacular, but all in all, Snape was fairly accurate, if a little biased.

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Legacy

O_O passage of days where pov doesn't change

888888 passage of days where focus changes

888 passage of less than a day

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August 1

Tom stared down at the letter he'd just received from his former nemesis. While he'd like to say that Harry was still his mortal enemy, he really couldn't anymore. The fact that he was exchanging cordial letters with the boy, as well as the fact that he was using their connection, not to torture him, but to actually teach him proper Occlumency and Leglimency was a testament to that. Anyway, back to the letter.

Much as he didn't want to admit it, he was actually jealous of the boy. While he'd enjoyed Bellatrix's bedroom talents on many an occasion, he hadn't ever gotten the chance to sample Narcissa. Sure, he could have ordered it, but really, what would that have said about him as a man. Murder and torture he could live with, but any man who had to force himself on a woman to get tail, was just pathetic. Anyway, the boy was right that he didn't want to hear about his sexual exploits, especially since he'd achieved one of the dreams of many a wizard in their world...having a threesome with two of the Black Sisters. Seriously, how lucky was that kid. Voldemort made a vow that if the brat ever scored with all three, he might be driven to wholescale slaughter to calm himself down; and if he got them all at the same time, there would be nothing to stop him killing the boy.

Voldemort smiled cruelly at the next section. Yes, he'd been rather impressed with that particular attack. Carving that little sentence into the grotesque woman's body had been a nice touch. He would have to see about rewarding those two servants, especially after they'd brought him this amazingly comfortable chair. Potter was right. Lay Z Boys were definitely the way to go in comfortable seating.

Being told that he was a better teacher than Snape...well, given the man's dour personality, and irrational hatred of all things Potter, he didn't doubt the boy's claims for a second. He also found himself interested in the section about proving the superiority of pure blood false. Given the minions he'd found himself saddled with, he'd often wondered himself, but he truly found himself wondering if it was actually possible to prove it. Still, the idea of teaching at Hogwarts was a great temptation. He'd never told anyone, but he'd actually hoped to gain the position for more than just a chance to increase his power base. He'd actually considered teaching as a profession after seeing how enthusiastic Professors Slughorn, Merrithought, and even Dumbledore had been about it, and how much they enjoyed it.

The next part caused the man to shiver. He'd accidentally made the boy into a Horcrux. That...that was just beyond disturbing. He could distinctly remember that portion of the book detailing why it was a bad idea to create a human Horcrux. By creating a human horcrux, you were giving them a part of yourself, which would allow them to bypass any and all of your protections. Not only would Potter have been immune to the protections surrounding his horcruxes, but the boy would have been able to bypass the very purpose the containers served.

To learn just how many times he'd been so close to death, and not even known it disturbed him greatly. Had it not been for Quirrel taking the brunt of the damage, the boy could have destroyed him his first year. Had it not been for the fact that the boy chose to try and escape, rather than take the chance to attack him, the boy could have destroyed him right after he'd been reborn. And even worse, if the boy had been taught proper Occlumency from the beginning, then he'd have been able to kill him at the Ministry months ago by trapping him behind his shields, and continuing whatever it was he'd been doing when he'd been forced to flee the boy. Thankfully, he'd dealt with that little problem. As a bonus, allowing the innate magic used to create it to assimilate within the boy would keep the connection between them alive, though not as strong. It was why now it took them both accessing the link for it to open enough to communicate.

As far as discussing _that_ night...he'd have to think about it. Snuggling back into the Lay Z Boy, Voldemort thought over the request with a happy groan. He just might have to amend his stance on Muggles, because bloody hell they knew how to do comfortable seating.

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August 2

August 2 found Harry relaxing in the plush bed that Narcissa had transfigured. Said witch was currently setting up a makeshift classroom, complete with lab for a Potions tutoring session. The idea had come about when he'd woke up that morning to find her laying next to him, naked as the day she was born, reading a very advanced Potions book. Without Lucius to stifle her interests, she'd decided to pick her passion back up. Once she'd gotten reacquainted with the subject, she planned to go for her Mastery in Potions. He'd been sort of fascinated by the idea that a Potions professor could inspire one to enjoy the subject.

At the moment, he was in a pretty good mood. Since he'd had a bit of free time, and he was due to anyway, he'd decided that maybe he'd send the Order a nice letter by way of Hermione. Let them know how he was doing, and that he was alright. He was almost finished with it, which was a good thing considering Cissa looked to be finished setting up, and was giving him a predatory grin.

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August 3

The Order was worried. Harry's last letter had been extremely short- consisting of only two words aside from the to/from sections- and quite angry sounding. Not only that, but it had been several days since they'd received anything from him; and considering he'd lately been writing daily, it was cause for concern amongst some. Surprisingly, it wasn't Dumbledore that finally received a letter from Harry, but Hermione. To their great relief, it also featured the same unlocking instructions as many of his earlier letters. For the Order, and Dumbledore in particular, this was taken as a good sign that things were finally going to go back to as normal as they could hope given the situation that summer...or so they thought.

Placing her wand against the parchment, Hermione waited for the password to reveal itself to her, and when it did, her face developed a severe blush, and a fierce frown.

"Oh honestly!" She exclaimed. "No. You'll just have to do without this time because I am not saying that."

"What is it?" Several people asked at once.

Leaning over, Ginny glanced at the parchment, before shock took her as she found she could read it. That shock turned to amusement, and a fit of giggles as she read what Harry wanted Hermione to say out loud. Sure, she'd thought about just such a possibility, but she knew she'd be just as embarrassed to have to actually say it with adults present; even if she was willing to bet that it was the truth. Still, she didn't have to say it, so she wasn't going to show Hermione any mercy.

"Go on, Hermione, say it." She teased.

A frighteningly severe glare at the younger witch- and several minutes of encouragement later- Hermione finally caved, and spoke the password. It was plainly obvious why she hadn't wanted to say the password when she muttered, "I solemnly swear that Harry Potter has a basilisk stuffed in his trousers."

Needless to say, the reactions were very typical. Tonks' curious rejoinder of, "Does he really?", sent the table into a fit of mirth at her expense that had her face turning a deep crimson. Hermione was not at all amused, as it felt like once again, Harry was flirtatiously teasing her in a way that she wasn't sure she was comfortable with; though not for the traditional reasons. Deciding to use the time it was taking the group to get themselves under control, she quickly read the letter. The absolute shock written on her face by the time she finished quickly sobered the group.

"Hermione dear, what does it say?" Molly asked, worry in her voice at the girl's reaction to the letter. Taking a calming breath, Harry spoke.

_Dear Order of the Flagrant Flamingo,_

_I know this is a little late, but I've been really busy the past few days. Learned some things about Blood Wards, lost my virginity and learned something about myself, and even got my new pal Tom to agree to teach me some things if I promised to do two things: 1. use them to piss off/annoy Dumbledore, and 2. give back his Death Eater. Since I'm quite sure that at the very least Hermione, Ginny, and Mrs. Weasley are either scandalized, curious, jealous, or some form of apoplectic rage, I'll explain._

_You see, Voldemort sent Bellatrix 'I'm A Kinky, Horny Psycho' Lestrange to Privet Drive to try and capture me. For some reason, the woman was convinced that the most efficient plan of attacking me was shagging me into a stupor, and seducing my brain dead self into following her outside of the wards where she could kidnap me without repercussion. If you're wondering how she got close enough to me to shag me, then it's one of the loopholes in the wards. You see, so long as the magical- and I stress magical- person entering the wards does not wish me ill intent, then the wards are harmless, and practically useless._

_Well, just like most of Voldemort's other plans in regards to me, this one thankfully failed spectacularly; actually backfired now I think about it. See, it seems that I happen to be naturally talented at every recreational thing I've tried that involves sweat inducing, physical exertion. By the time it was over, Bella- as she insisted I call her since I refuse to address her as Harry Potter's filthy whore cumdump- had decided that she was fully prepared to defect from Voldemort, and become my personal cock sleeve- and again, those were her words, not mine, Hermione. That's how I ended up getting Voldie to agree to teach me stuff._

_So far, we've been concentrating on Occlumency and Leglimency, and once we're done with that, I'm going to be learning how to fly like Superman. How wicked is that? He even agreed to off Rudy Lestrange, Lucy Malfoy, and Petey Pettigrew, and let me have Narcissa if I gave back Bellatrix. Bella didn't want to go back, but reluctantly agreed after she was granted weekends off to come visit me- so long as her absences didn't interfere with his plans, or her ability to perform her duties for him. Can you say Black Sister threesome?...SCORE! Best birthday I've ever had by far._

_On a small side note, Tonks you might want to warn your mum; I think I heard Cissa and Bella plotting to kidnap you two. They're planning to bring you both here 'for a proper shagging', and so that I can 'complete the set'. Just thought you might like to know in advance so that you can make an informed decision on whether you want to try to prevent them or not. I happen to think you're an absolutely delicious young woman, as you probably figured out from previous letters, so either way you decide is fine with me._

_By the way Hermione, Narcissa insists that I should marry you- and oddly enough both Bellatrix and Voldemort agreed. Given that her waste of an egg- her words- complains about you as much as he does me, that makes you a perfect candidate to be my wife, and I find myself agreeing that you're the one most suited. Now honestly, I'm quite open to the idea, but I know that your romantic interests lie elsewhere. The decision is up to you, but I'd be really grateful if you'd at least consider it since my prospects are kind of slim at the moment; although Bella did mention that if Ginny was anything like her mother, she might make a good plaything to keep around for amusement. I don't know if that was a compliment or an insult, so I'll just say sorry if she offended you._

When every eye turned to Mr. and Mrs. Weasley- the latter of whom was blushing even redder than her hair- the easy going man gave a cheeky grin. "I'm probably a bit biased, but I'd say it was a compliment."

Yep, you guessed it. Molly Weasley was a complete and utter whore when her husband got her really turned on, and damn sure looked the part once she got going. It was one of the reasons why he hadn't been so bothered by the rather weak love potion she'd given him their sixth year to catch his attention. There was a very good reason why she was so against foul language, and why her opinions on propriety in relationships seemed overly prudish.

Deciding that she didn't want to even think about what that might imply about Mrs. Weasley, Hermione decided to go back to reading the letter.

_Hermione, Narcissa felt it prudent for me to inform you that she'd have me well prepared for our wedding night if you say yes. She also said that I should mention that she's willing and capable of taking care of some of your sexual needs as well. Since most heads of traditional pureblood houses are allowed mistresses, most girls from those same types of houses are bisexual. They're taught to please both men and women, to give them a shot at joining an influential house as either wife or mistress, so they have no issues with being intimate with both sexes._

A look at the blushing faces of Arthur and Molly Weasley, as well as a nod from Elphias Doge was a certain confirmation of facts. Kind of made a girl like Pansy a bit more appealing, eh? Nah, not really. Even if she was fairly attractive, she was still a foul hag.

_Also, does anyone know of any special sex based family magics that the __Potters were prone__ to? The night she took my virginity, Bella commented on the fact that I was entirely too talented in bed to have been a virgin, even if I did exhibit the rather embarrassing quickshot tendency most of us are prone to. She also said that my recovery time was far too quick for a virgin, and that my stamina was much higher than even some experienced men could claim. I can't remember her exact words, but it was something like how it was annoying that I finished too quickly at first, but that at least it was good that I had enough rounds in me to get her off._

_We- that is, Bella, Cissa, and I- were also trying to figure out why I went from about average for my age and size the night before, to hung like a bloody horse on the morning of my sixteenth birthday. Any information on that would be greatly appreciated as well._

_Well, I have to go now. As I'm sure you've noticed, my handwriting has taken a turn for the worse over the last paragraph. Narcissa's gotten tired of waiting for me to finish this letter. Right now she's perched under my desk doing some very distracting things to me with her mouth. Thankfully she isn't as insatiable as Bellatrix was, or I'd have never gotten the chance to write this long a letter._

_An ecstatically relaxed,_

_Harry Potter_

It was as Hermione finished reading the letter, and sat it on the table that a frantic Severus Snape barged into the room exclaiming that he had critical news. "Headmaster, I have acquired some information that requires your immediate attention."

"Please share it with us, Severus." Dumbledore gently ordered. Even if he wanted to address Harry's letter, critical information from Severus could mean saving the lives of innocents from Death Eater attacks.

Much to the Order's annoyance, Snape gave his report...which was little more than a regurgitation of the things Harry had already mentioned in his letter. Upon noticing the glares, the surly man sneered.

"Why are you all looking at me like that?" It was a surprise that no one mentioned that they always looked at him like that. Instead, Hermione reread the letter.

"Apparently, your last report was a little off, Severus." Remus said, his eyes narrowed. "Perhaps you should have made sure of your sources when you told us that the brat wasn't writing to anyone."

"Severus, can you elaborate about what's going on?" Dumbledore asked, trying to stave off what he knew would be a very justified chewing out of the spy.

"I'm afraid there might be some truth to the letter, Headmaster." Snape said, still in shock that he'd been wrong about the boy, and his tone easily reflecting that. The rolling of numerous pairs of eyes heralded the thought, 'now there's a surprise'. "The Dark Lord has been receiving letters from someone, and freely admitted to sending Bellatrix to capture Potter. Apparently," Here, Snape paused and made a face as if not wanting to admit the next fact; clearly, he was remembering Bellatrix's disappointment at having to return to the fold. "-he and Potter did indeed make some sort of deal that involved Bellatrix."

Dumbledore was quiet for a moment as he thought before speaking. "That a known Death Eater has possibly found a way through the wards, has me worried." Various members of the order were now openly gaping at the display of senility. When Harry was miserable at Privet Drive, he was content to leave him there 'for his safety', but now that he was getting laid, and had the undivided attention of a Death Eater- whom he'd virtually shagged into defecting- and another's wife, whom could likely give them any information he asked for, he was worried. "What else can you tell us?"

"Well for one, Lucius Malfoy and Rodolphus Lestrange did indeed suffer some kind of accident." Snape said. "Although, the accident was intended for Rodolphus, and Lucius kind of accidentally walked into it. It has also been confirmed that Narcissa packed several trunks, left Malfoy Manor, and hasn't been back for several days. Bellatrix also disappears randomly as well, and was gone for several days around Potter's birthday."

"I see." Dumbledore said, now really worried. Maybe it hadn't been such a good idea to trust the Dursleys with Harry's well being after all. "I think maybe it's time to remove Harry from Privet Drive."

"Good luck with that." Snape snarked. If the contents of that letter were true, it would take some serious convincing to get the boy away. He knew if he'd been in that position, he'd have resisted every attempt to remove him from it. Of course, he'd never been in that position, and it was just another reason to loathe the arrogant Potter.

"For once, I agree with the old bat." Tonks said, earning her a sneer from the former Slytherin. "Think about it; you're going to be trying to remove a hormonal teenager from a place where he's getting as much tail as he can handle from a very fit older woman. He's not going to want to leave."

"Harry understands what is at stake." Dumbledore said, standing. "He will do as he's asked for the greater good." He then paused in confusion. '_Greater good? What in Merlin's name was I saying? Goodness, could I sound any more like a border-line evil, manipulative git? And to think just, just fifty years ago I was lecturing Gellert about that._'

With that, he left for his office to pen a note to Harry which he would send with Fawkes. Tonks, Remus, Fred and George, and even Snape all turned to Hermione- who along with Ginny and Ron had started being included for the last half hour of the meetings when they addressed Harry's letters- after Dumbledore left the room.

"He's fifteen, he's getting more physical affection than any teen would know what to do with; and because of this the wards around his aunt's home are even more effective than the ones here." Hermione said. "Harry's not going anywhere, and I feel very sorry for whoever is sent to get him."

Ron scowled next to her, a little jealous of his best mate. Narcissa Malfoy may have been a slimy Slytherin, who was the wife and mother of two even slimier Slytherins, but she was still fit. Shaking his head of those thoughts, he tried to focus on the positive. No matter what the letters said, Harry was his best mate, and knew that he fancied Hermione. With two fit, older girlfriends, there wasn't any need or reason for him to go after Hermione.

Finally coming to a decision, Remus addressed the table. "Forget what Dumbledore wants, I'm going to write back." Remus glared, daring anyone to go against him. Surprisingly, the one who would have made the most vocal protest- Molly Weasley- just nodded.

"Anything you all want to say to him?" Remus asked.

"Please send our love, Remus." She said. "We really should have written back sooner. I'll wait until he gets here to discuss the content of some of his letters."

"You think he'll find it amusing if we play along with the last letter?" Fred asked.

"He might." George replied. "It's a great prank, and it would be a waste to have it end so soon."

"What makes you think this is a prank?" Hermione asked.

"Well, if Harry is writing to You-Know-Who, then it shouldn't be out of the realm of possibility he'd set this up." George answered.

"And it wouldn't be too far out of the realm of possibility that You-Know-Who might be willing to help get one over on Dumbledore."

"Okay, but what if it isn't a prank?" Ron asked.

"Then rather than our letter being a continuation of the prank-" Fred started.

"-it'll be us responding to Harry's letter with reverence and awe." George finished.

"It's just a shame he isn't here in person so that we may prostrate ourselves before him." The twins said in unison, both planning to lay themselves at the feet of their little brother figure.

"Sounds like a plan to me, and it'll show Harry that we have been paying attention to what he's said. Half an hour later as the letter was being finalized, the grinning Marauder turned to the bushy brunette. "Hermione, what should I tell him about his proposal?"

The brunette blushed, but thought that maybe it might be fun to play along; and it would serve him right to be pranked back. "Tell him I'll think about it, but only if he starts living up to his potential." During her eye roll, she missed the deep scowl that appeared on Ron's face.

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August 5

Harry was having a very nice dream...so it should be no surprise that something would ruin it. Luckily the thing that ruined it couldn't change the fact that there was a naked MILF snuggling into his side, so there was a definite cap on how bad the situation could possibly be. He was surprised how much better he'd been sleeping since Bella's first visit. Aside from the nightly lessons with Voldemort on Occlumency and Leglimency, his frequent romps with Bellatrix and Narcissa had ended up actually giving him very detailed versions of the types of dreams he'd mentioned in the letters to the Order while being petulant. While the stuff he'd said in his letters had mostly been him joking around and teasing his best friend, after the dream he'd just awaken from...well, he was starting to think of Hermione just a tad bit differently than he had before.

Though in all honestly, one really couldn't blame him. After all, dreaming of escorting his dolled up best friend to a Halloween ball that Dumbledore decided to randomly announce, then after having a great time, getting to peel the pretty brunette out of her well fitting dress robes, and then- along with Bellatrix and Narcissa- convincing her to marry him, it was sure to start him thinking about her in a new way.

His dream about all of the women in his life sporting baby bulges- and he seriously couldn't believe that he'd actually had a dream about what had initially been a joke- had awaken him in the middle of the night about twenty-four hours prior. Neither Bellatrix or Narcissa had gotten any more sleep that evening, or any rest for most of the next day.

Anyway, Harry turned to his window- his wide open window, mind you- to find the reason his dream was so abruptly ended. Said reason had backed up, and darted forward, again slamming into the window. Pigwidgeon. Bloody moronic owl, that one. He could still remember Sirius praising Hedwig and Crookshanks' intelligence, and commenting that the traits and intelligence a witch or wizard's familiar tended to exhibit tended to reflect their owners. If that was the case, he really didn't want to think about what Pigwidgeon reflected about his best mate. Sure, Ron could be thick sometimes, but there was no way he was as dim as Pig implied. Personally, he thought Pig had a previous owner.

Untangling himself from Narcissa, he padded over to the window, reached out, and snagged the bird as it was making another attempt at the window. Bringing the hyper owl up to his face, he stared it right in the eye.

"Pig, unless you want to wake Hedwig up, and get your arse kicked again, I suggest you behave." Both boy and owl turned to the perch that held the elder owl, one sleepy amber eye cracked just enough to glare. Pig gave a hoot that sounded suspiciously like a whimper and a shudder, before calming. When Harry set him down, he held out his leg, proudly displaying the letter he'd just delivered. Once relieved of the burden, the owl snuck over to Hedwig's tray, snagged a couple treats, and made a run for it. He'd find a drink elsewhere, no point antagonizing the mean old lady.

Sitting the letter on top of the one Hedwig had delivered from Tom the night before, Harry debated climbing back onto bed with the busty blond. In the end, he decided to just get up, and went to take a shower. Once he was refreshed for the day, he set about waking Narcissa in much the same way she and Bella seemed to enjoy waking him. A screaming rejoinder to the land of the wake for Narcissa, and an exceptionally enthusiastic reciprocation for Harry later, the last Potter was sitting at the large, beautifully stained, redwood desk in his room. While Narcissa was enjoying a nice bath, he decided to use the afforded alone time to read the correspondences he'd received. To his shock, the letter Pig brought was from the Order...or rather certain members of the Order and his friends.

_Dear Harry,_

_You were right, we should have told Dumbledore to bugger himself, and written back. Feel free to keep in touch more often than just the required letters, Harry. Though I must say that I'm kind of glad we didn't at the time, as your current happiness would probably have not happened._

_I honestly don't know how you obtained that kind of natural sexual prowess, but I'm guessing Karma is making up for you being Fate's bitch. I suggest just being thankful, and leaving it at that. The issue with your genitals, though...from what James told me, it was an old family curse that ended up becoming a blessing. I don't know all the details- I just remember James waking up the entire dorm with his bragging and cheering- but again, I wouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth._

_Now, what's this about sleeping with Bellatrix and Narcissa? It seems as if you've had a very interesting summer. I must admit to being just a bit envious of your accomplishment. Evil they may be, they're __still very desirable__. James and Sirius would be extremely proud of your accomplishment; your mother not so much...at least until the grandbabies started coming along to distract her (and speaking of, I hope you're using birth control). I'd suggest at least a dozen to make up for the Cougar harem- especially since both women are older than her- or she might be very cross with you the next time you see her._

_I have to tell you, the reactions you received when you revealed your size and bedroom prowess was rather entertaining. Snape looked ready to have a fit, the twins are wondering if they should make you a deity, and Molly, Ginny, and Hermione reacted much the way you guessed._

_You should probably know that Dumbledore was horrified to find out that such an obvious loophole had slipped past him. The fact that you'd had visitors made him age about twenty years right before our eyes. Your mention of learning things from Voldemort also achieved the desired reaction, and he did seem rather annoyed. I have to admit, I'm rather interested in that method of flying myself. You should also know that he's less than thrilled at what's been going on, and plans are being made to 'rescue' you from the clutches of the dark, and bring you to the Burrow._

_Moony_

_Ps. Oh, I asked Hermione what her answer to your request was, and she said that she'll think about it, but only if you start living up to your potential._

Harry didn't know whether to grin, blush, or express shock at the post script. Sure, he could admit that he certainly wouldn't mind settling down with Hermione someday- even if he'd been mostly joking in the letters- he'd never thought she'd actually consider him a romantic possibility; he'd always figure she wanted Ron. Still, Harry didn't dwell on it too much, as it was entirely possible she had taken it as the joke it was, and responded in kind. After another moment of thought, he realized that that was probably exactly what it was. So why did a sudden feeling of disappointment well up in him?

Clearing his head of those thoughts with a headshake, he turned to Tom's rather short note.

_Dear Harry,_

_If you think you can prove it, I'd love to see it. If you succeed, then I swear on my magic that I will seriously consider it. As far as telling you what happened that night...__I shall think about it and get back to you another time.__._

_Tom_

_Ps. What's this about a Parseltongue trick?_

Placing the letter on the table, he pulled out some of his trick parchment to write back, when he found himself distracted by a pair of soft lips on his neck, an incredible pair of breasts pressed into his shoulder, and teeth gently latching onto his ear. Sufficiently distracted, Harry happily engaged the blonde haired beauty in a nice, long, fantastic snog. While Harry would have been more than happy to keep going, Narcissa pulled away with a familiar smirk that just seemed to work a lot better for her than it did her ponce son. When he saw what she'd sat on the bed, Harry groaned, knowing exactly why she'd gone to the effort of giving him an erection. It was tutoring time again.

He couldn't wait to see Hermione's reaction to learning that he was almost caught up with their year in Runes; and he could admit that he a little disappinted that he'd likely not make the O required for NEWT Potions, as he'd love to see see Snape's reaction to learning that Harry's skill in the subject had dramatically improved. Narcissa's- and to a slightly lesser extent, her elder sister's- carrot and stick approach to their tutoring sessions saw him learning at a very rapid pace. The carrot they'd chosen was anything from a chaste kiss to Narcissa suppressing her gag reflex as she buried her nose in his pubes. The stick was studying until he got the carrot.

Oh well, he'd just have to write back later. Almost unbidden, the question of whether his grades would have been better if Hermione had chosen such a form of encouragement, came to mind.

O_O

August 6

Harry woke up covered in warm, naked flesh on both sides, and feeling absolutely brilliant. The day before, Harry had finally finished with fourth year Runes, and Narcissa had felt a highly debauched reward was called for. Given that it was also a weekend, Bellatrix had popped up, and the celebration had become even more spectacular. From the way he was feeling right now, he didn't think anything could ruin his mood. Sadly, he was Harry Potter, and tempting Fate really was a bad idea. Though to be honest, Fate really didn't need a reason to mess with Harry Potter. A soft trill brought his attention to a seemingly amused red and gold bird sitting on his desk.

Giving him what amounted to a sly grin, as well as what amounted to the phoenix equivalent of a double thumbs up, Fawkes dropped the letter he was carrying, and flashed away. Grumbling, Harry glared at the letter for several moments, before making up his mind. Rather than untangle himself from the sexy sisters, Harry gently nibble them awake, and got himself a little morning happy before seeing what the cock-blocking old man had to say.

Between Bellatrix insisting on a morning protein shake, and Narcissa wanting to get him started on fifth year Runes, Dumbledore's letter lay forgotten until well past dinnertime. Bellatrix had just left, having been summoned by Tom for a job, when Harry remembered the letter from Dumbledore. In all honestly, he probably wouldn't have remembered it at all, but staring at Bella's arse as she bent over to pick up one of her boots brought his attention to the letter that had fallen to the floor- likely at some point during that half hour he'd had the two sisters bent over his desk.

It was shocking the old thing had lasted as long as it did considering how much use it had gotten before Narcissa had replaced it. He was glad that she'd done so or it likely would have given out on him; especially as much as Bell seemed to enjoy incorporating it into their kinkier fun.

Putting that thought aside, he picked up the letter, read it, and paled.

_Dear Harry,_

_I'm writing to inform you that the Order will be arriving this evening to retrieve you from your relatives home. I'm sorry that it took so long, but we've only just gotten things settled. Be packed and ready to go by seven please._

_Dumbledore_

His reaction immediately caught Narcissa's attention, who came over, and took it from him, reading upon receiving it. The plan she came up with- and on the fly at that- made Harry realize that engaging in a prank war with a real Slytherin was highly inadvisable. He grinned as he watched her adjust the privacy spells her sister had erected around the room, a changed swish or flick to alter the intent just a small bit.

"Too bad Fawkes already left, because there's no way Hedwig will get this there in time." It was then that he remembered someone who could deliver a message for him, and began kicking himself for not thinking of the little guy sooner; well, for this purpose anyway. "Oh Dobby~" The elf appeared instantly. "I've got a job for you, my friend."

888

That evening, the Order was assembled to decide who would go and retrieve Harry from his relatives at Privet Drive. Just as the debate was about to begin, a rather eccentric elf popped into the room with a letter for Dumbledore.

"Great Harry Potter sir ask Dobby to give letter to Professor Goat Humper." Dobby said, excitedly. Giving a loud sigh at the amusement of his club subordinates, Dumbledore took the note, and opened it. He made the mistake of deciding to read it aloud.

_Dear Bearded one,_

_Blow me! You've spent all of this time and effort nagging me about why I had to stay here, yet when something good happens, and I don't mind being here, you want to take me away from it. I'm not going anywhere. Not only am I getting laid like crazy, the wards are stronger than they've ever been before because I'm actually enjoying my time here. If you want the Order to actually do something useful, then have someone pick me up some naughty costumes, and I'll pay them back when we go school shopping._

_Narcissa requests naughty schoolgirl, naughty nurse, and slutty office lady outfits, all in a size three. Bellatrix asked for a maid costume, and a sleazy auror's uniform. She likes the irony of it, and wants to play Death Eater kidnaps and molests the pervy auror, and yes, she plans on playing the part of the auror. Those outfits should be in a size three as well. Yes Moony, a size three is definitely going to be too small on both Cissy and Bella. Feel free to envy me._

_By the way, I felt it prudent to mention that if your people do come and kidnap me from my happy summer, I'm going to make you regret it._

_Toodles,_

_Harry_

_Ps. You know what's funny Hermione, I wish I would have thought of Dobby earlier. That way we'd have been able to send letters to each other without worry of them being intercepted. Guess we all kind of screwed Sirius on that one, eh?_

"What's this about screwing Sirius?" Remus' snicker brought all attention to him. "Well?"

"It's a Muggle saying, 'screwed the pooch', which basically mean making a huge, and rather stupid mistake." He lectured. "So, the letter?"

While several members of the Order had plenty to say to the message delivered by the exuberant elf, Snape was oddly silent on the matter.

"I wouldn't worry too much, he's just a bit agitated at the moment." Dumbledore said. "I'm sure he'll be calmer once we bring him here."

Hermione ignored him in favor of the surprisingly silent Potions Master. "Professor, you've always been of the opinion that Harry's mere presence is a bother, and this is with him not even trying. How much worse do you think it will be with Harry actually trying to make a nuisance of himself?"

It was at that moment that Severus Snape decided that he was going to make himself scarce as much as possible as soon as the brat arrived at the Burrow.

A mere ten minutes later found Hestia Jones, Remus Lupin, and Nymphadora Tonks knocking on the door to #4 Privet Drive. The three had been agreed on by the others for quite reasonable reasons. Remus and Tonks were chosen as the only two adult Order members Harry was least likely to resist, who were unanimously vouched as responsible adults. Hestia was chosen because she was the only other auror in the Order who wasn't on duty- Moody as guard for the temporary Minister of Magic, and Kingsley with the Muggle Prime Minister. Still, as a ten year veteran of the auror corp., she was nothing to sneeze at with a wand. As before, the door was opened by an overweight Dursley, only this time it was the younger one.

"What do you want?" Dudley asked in a surprisingly civil tone, considering who he was speaking to.

"We're here to pick up-" It was at this point that Remus Lupin was interrupted a loud shriek. Fear etched onto their faces, the two witches and one wizard barged in, and ran up the steps towards Harry's door, confusing Dudley to no end. Shrugging, he shut the front door, and reentered the sitting room where his parents were. When prompted, he reported that the people at the door were there to pick up Harry. With a snort of disdain from Vernon, the three went back to watching the tele as they had been before the bell rang.

Meanwhile, the three magicals had reached Harry's door, and were about to barge in for the rescue, when another piercing shriek echoed through the house. Now outside the door, they finally realized their mistake. Rather than being under attack, Harry and Narcissa are actually hot and heavy in their love making. What they'd thought was a scream of fear or pain was actually the opposite, as evidenced by Tonks' face turning a deep crimson. Her eyes and hair joined her face when she heard her aunt loudly regale them with her glowing opinion of Harry's size and prowess.

Deciding that they'd rather not interrupt, and see something they didn't want to, Remus, Tonks, and Hestia decided to just wait until Harry and Narcissa were finished, never realizing that the eldest witch currently in the house had quickly brewed a stamina potion that Harry had ingested before they'd started. It would be another three hours before the sounds of sexual exertion came to a break; three hours that they were forced to listen to Narcissa Malfoy scream in pleasure. Had they been less distracted by the rather vulgar screams of adulation- something that the three Order members would never know was for their benefit/torture- they'd have wondered why the Dursleys didn't seem to be bothered by the screams. Surely they couldn't have become immune to them, as loud as they were; in point of fact, they didn't seem to even realize such loud and filthy screams were echoing throughout their house.

Ahh, the joys of tweaked Silencing Charms. It was amazing what one could do with an alternate twist, slash, or flick...things like alter the block so that only people with active magical cores would be able to hear what was going on.

Finally the noise quieted, allowing the two witches and one wizard to confront the coupling pair. What they found upon entering the room brought them up short, however. Having seen Harry's bedroom just a couple weeks before, both Tonks and Remus were familiar with the size and layout of the room, and found themselves shocked at the alterations that had befallen it. Then again, considering that Harry was playing host to an adult witch who'd become accustomed to living lavishly, it shouldn't really have been a surprise. Simply put, it was nothing like it was before, having undergone some major reconstruction. Thanks to Dobby- with instruction from Bellatrix and Narcissa- the room was now over three times the size it had been before, and the changes only got bigger from there.

The wooden floor had been repaired, and polished to a glossy shine, and the walls were adorned with a rather tasteful, autumn themed wallpaper. Along the far back wall, where the small wardrobe had sat before, was now a massive walk-in closet big enough to house several outfits belonging to Bellatrix, Narcissa, and Harry, each with its own section.

A few feet away, and off to the side, sat what looked like a make-shift classroom, and the professor in Remus took a moment to analyze the set up. There was a simple lecturing board set up next to a decent sized table, and in front of that sat a rather comfortable looking chair, and another table that looked to be able to seat two comfortably. Remus had to admit he was impressed with the set up. It was just enough for a qualified adult to tutor a student, while not skimping on the needed necessities. At about the same depth in the room, but off to the other side sat a small Potions lab. From what he could see of the classroom materials, the lecture board and chair could easily be moved from one station to the other suggesting practicality had been preferred. And if he wasn't mistaken, much of the equipment- aside from the cauldron, stirring instruments, and ingredients- had come from one of the more advanced chemistry sets available in the Muggle world.

Decorating the room nearer to the doorway they'd stopped in- though on the other side of the room by the window- was a large, stained, redwood desk, whose color, and polished shine seemed to match the floor, and further set off the new autumn theme of the bedroom. Upon this desk sat a rather ornate looking perch- in a deep, striking mahogany- that twisted and spiraled in a rather appealing way. Upon this perch sat Hedwig, who was giving them a most amused look- or as much as once could tell from an owl. With a bark that sounded vaguely insulting, she leapt from her perch, and flew out the window. An intelligent person might have taken this as a bad sign- and had this been just about any other members of the order, it would have been- but given the current company, it wasn't nearly as serious as one might think.

Finally, the room was home to a large king sized bed, which- much like everything else- Remus guessed was chosen more for practicality than appearance. The wood of the bed, much like the floor and desk, were a beautiful stained redwood. He couldn't readily tell what kind of mattress it held, but given the soft indent the two people sitting on it made, he was willing to bet it was soft, and brilliantly comfortable. And speaking of the two people...

Harry and Narcissa were both sitting in the bed, naked as the day they were born, without a shred of shame between them. Both were still sporting the signs of what they'd just finished doing; Narcissa the more obvious of the two. She was heavily flushed still, and had a slight sheen of sweat still lingering upon her which glistened from the twilight filtering in through the window. Her hair was lightly matted to her forehead, and sufficiently dishevled everywhere else.

Now Remus Lupin was no virgin. Sure he was a werewolf, and there had been a healthy deal of fear of what he was from any woman he'd tried to form a relationship with. Even still, there were just as many adventurous women who'd been curious as to whether he was as much of an animal in the sac as his affliction seemed to imply. Given that being a werewolf gave him a great deal more stamina than the average bloke- although he was willing to bet that Harry could probably give him a run for his money- he had done his fair share of shagging birds into exhaustion. The last Marauder couldn't help feeling just a hint of pride in James' son at the obvious signs of thoroughly shagged that Narcissa was sporting.

About the only thing they'd bothered doing to protect their modesty- and Moony was sure that was for their benefit only- was pull the golden bedsheet up far enough that it covered her obviously bare chest. Narcissa was sitting between Harry's legs- who was sitting up against the headboard of the bed- with her back to his chest, and her head leaning back on his right shoulder. His arms wrapped around her chest- and based on the imprint, were probably cupping her breasts- while he planted soft kisses and nips on her neck.

Tonks was in a state of shock. She'd heard of pureblood witches having clauses in their marriage contracts that allowed for them to take lovers. She'd even been told by her mother that all contracts involving daughters of the House of Black included such clauses, but she'd never actually put much stock in them. She was well aware of the fidelity that most magical marriages enforced, and had never thought that a witch would actually want to be unfaithful to their husbands, and vice versa. Until that evening, when she'd heard- and seen the aftermath of- her aunt committing Class 5 adultery, she hadn't really put much stock in the power of the clauses- not that she'd ever use one herself. Still, it was fairly jarring.

"Can we help you?" Narcissa asked through a soft groan as Harry teased a particularly sensitive spot he'd found on her neck days before. When she arched her back in response to a gentle bite at the area, Remus found himself just a bit distracted by another sign of her obvious arousal that was quite prominently visible through the sheets. Given that Hestia was far too scandalized to react- really, the woman was quite the prude- it was left to Tonks to respond.

"Uh, nice room?" She tried.

"Your compliments are graciously accepted." Narcissa replied, thankfully snapping Remus out of his distraction. "Although I can't take full credit. Bella was the one who did the furniture shopping after Harry completely ruined her. Funny how she came with the intention of kidnapping him, and three hours later, she didn't want to leave. I thought she might have been exaggerating when she recommended I come get me a 'proper shagging', but now I'm convinced that the Potters have some kind of family sex magic. Any news on that front?"

"Like I said in that letter, I honestly don't know." Remus admitted. "Sirius might have, but I never got the chance to spend that much time at the Potter home. Because of an attack when James' father was a boy, their home has some very unforgiving anti-werewolf wards."

"Oh, okay." Harry said.

"Right, as much as it pains me to do this, we're here to," He pulled a slip of parchment from a pocket. "- 'rescue' you from the clutches of this vile, scarlet seductress." He read dully.

"Molly Weasley, yes?" Narcissa teased. "If only she would be honest with herself, rather than trying to hide behind that prudish facade."

"Be that as it may, we're here to remove Mr. Potter from his his relatives' home." Hestia interjected, finally overcoming her initial reaction to finding their target in bed with Narcissa Malfoy.

Pausing in his teasing of Narcissa, Harry spoke. "Did Dumbledore get my note?"

"Yes," Remus said. "-and he also read it aloud."

"So you're aware of the futility of this endeavor?" Harry asked.

"We could force you, you know." Hestia said.

"Could you really?" Harry asked. "I doubt that, because Remus isn't going to force me, Tonks is unlikely to force me, and Narcissa wants me to stay. There's also the fact that the wards Dumbledore placed here are stronger than they've ever been, and should you make a hostile move against me, they're likely to react very badly."

"But Harry, don't you want to see your friends again?" Remus asked.

"First of all, I'm sure they'd understand." As a bloke, Harry knew that Ron would definitely understand. Hermione would understand, because she knew how difficult it was for him to find any joy in his life. Besides... "It's not like they can't come and visit me."

"Well damn, he's got a point there." Tonks said.

"How about this?" Harry said. "I'll agree to go to the Burrow with you, if I'm allowed to bring Narcissa with me. If not, I'll pass."

Tonks and Remus both sighed. Both of them knew that not only would Molly forbid it, and all four of them knew no one would trust her at the temporary headquarters for the Order. Hestia didn't really count, as she was still in shock over not only being told no, but effectively being told there was nothing she could do about being told no in a very logical manner.

"Well, now that that is settled, do you mind giving us some privacy?" Narcissa asked with a sultry grin. "It appears my little stud has recovered, and mama's ready for round... I've lost count." She admitted with a smug little smile.

"Well, looks like this was a bust." Remus said. "We'll just have to report back to the Order that we failed. Tonks, Hestia, let's go. Harry, behave yourself, and make sure there aren't any little Potters running around before you finish school."

"Aye aye, Moony." Harry replied.

"Oh, and if possible, those outfits we requested earlier would be really helpful." Narcissa added. "And ask Granger if she was really serious about her answer. After all, I am bisexual, Harry really is well endowed, and enough of a stud to easily deal with my sister and I."

"We'll see." Whatever else he was going to say was cut off as Narcissa turned and straddled his friend's son.

The three adult magicals barely made it to the edge of the property before they heard a passionate cry from Narcissa...one that had Tonks' face and hair again matching a fire engine.

888

When Remus, Tonks, and Hestia arrived back at the Burrow several minutes later- which just so happened to be several hours after they'd left- it was to an empty kitchen. Apparently, everyone got tired of waiting, and decided to go do other things until they got back. The only ones that seemed to be still waiting were Molly Weasley, Albus Dumbledore, and the three younger teens. Upon giving confirmation that they were who they said, the door was snatched open to find an expectant Molly ready to wrap Harry in a massive hug. Just behind her, Hermione was waiting just as enthusiastically for her turn to greet her best friend, with Ron and Ginny sitting at the table; not quite as enthusiastic, but clearly expectant.

Sadly, the three adults were forced to report failure. It was sad seeing Molly deflate the way she did, but he did notice an amusing bit of byplay behind her. While Hermione looked a little disappointed that Harry wasn't there, she didn't look all that surprised. The most amusing bit, was when Ron and Ginny gave their headmaster a smug grin, before holding out a hand apiece.

An annoyed Dumbledore handed a knut over to each teen, before addressing the three rescuers. "Where's Harry?"

"He decided that he'd rather stay where he is." Remus said.

"Can't say I blame the lad," Moody grunted. "-even if I don't trust her or her motives."

With a huff of anger at being defied, Hestia broke in. "I think we need to summon the Order to figure out how to deal with this."

"It's probably a good idea, as there's quite a bit of new information that you might like to know." Remus added. "I'd also suggest that Hermione, Ron, and Ginny sit in as well."

Dumbledore felt a spark of token protest and asked, "Do you really believe it imperative that they do so?" Remus nodded. "Very well, Molly, if I could trouble you to borrow your fireplace?"

It took about a half hour to get everyone reported and settled, but once they had everyone there, Remus was prompted to report. "I would first like to start by saying that Harry really doesn't want to leave," He said, barely able to keep the amusement from his voice. "-and in all honesty, I find myself sympathetic. I also shudder to think how badly Sirius would be railing on me for being a cockblock."

"What happened?"

"Well, we arrived at the property on schedule, but as soon as the uncle opened the door, we were immediately set upon by the sound of a woman screaming." Hestia reported, causing everyone to gasp in shock. "We burst in, and were all set to try and help any way we could, but upon nearing Potter's bedroom door..." Hestia paused with a scowling frown.

"-let's just say that what said woman was screaming became more clear." Remus finished. "Harry and Narcissa- though we didn't readily recognize it as her at the time- were rather busy at the moment."

"Busy doing what?" An unimportant enough member to not be named, asked.

"According to one of Harry's letters, getting him trained up for Hermione." Tonks teased, grinning at the blush that rapidly covered the girl's face.

"Yes, that, so we decided to wait until they were finished." Remus continued.

"You didn't stop them!" Molly all but shrieked.

"Well of course not, that would have been awfully rude." Remus said, highly amused. "Would you want to be interrupted in the middle of that?" It was rather clear what that answer was.

"Anyway, once they were finished-"

"-which was about three hours after we arrived-" Tonks interjected.

"-we made for Harry's room to confront them. Harry made it very clear that he did not wish to leave his relatives' home." Remus continued smoothly.

"Were you able to find out anything else?" Dumbledore asked. He really wanted to know how Death Eaters and sympathizers had gotten past the wards.

"Well, we did manage to confirm a few things." Tonks said. "The least of which, is that my aunt is a fabulous interior decorator."

"Oh?"

"Yep, we managed to confirm that first, and foremost, Harry Potter is no longer a virgin." Tonks said, grinning at the shocked and scandalized looks. Knowing that Tonks wouldn't be able to resist taunting the others, and Remus was far too amused to do it, Hestia took over the report.

"Narcissa also confirmed that Bellatrix was indeed sent to sleep with Harry, and maybe kidnap him if she got the opportunity. After being dominated by Potter-"

"Shagged her into a stupor, more like-" Tonks threw in, earning a glare from Hestia.

"-Lestrange convinced Narcissa to visit Harry for what she called 'a proper shagging'. She's been there ever since keeping him...company. Potter also confirmed that the request from the last letter, and the two inquiries from the one before that, were genuine."

"Elaborate please, Hestia," Dumbledore seemed to plead.

"That would be the request for naughty outfits for Bellatrix and Narcissa, size 3," Remus interjected. "-genuinely wanting to know if the Potters had any inate sex based magic to explain his prowess," Here he turned to Hermione. "-and wondering if you were serious about considering marrying Harry if he lived up to his potential."

The attention she received- both positively amused from some, and very negative not from a few Weasleys- caused her to flush in embarrassment.

"Aunt Cissa also felt it prudent for me to remind you- or Hermione and I at least- that she's bisexual, and that Harry really does have a basilisk stuffed down his pants."

"I see," Dumbledore frowned. "Is that all?"

"Well, by that time he'd recovered." Tonks said. "When Aunt Cissa climbed on top of him, and it became apparent what she planned to do, we left. No matter how curious I am, I really didn't want to watch Harry shagging my aunt rotten."

"Very well, I shall go and retrieve Harry myself.." Dumbledore said. "Feel free to head on home." Maybe he could recruit Harry into helping him convince Horace to return to teaching.

888

Thirty minutes later- it took him several to floo to Arabella Figg's house, and walk to #4 Privet Drive, then he'd spent nearly twenty minutes staring in shocked awe at how strong the wards were- Dumbledore approached the Dursley's door, and knocked. Upon opening the door, and seeing another freak, Vernon was nearing the end of his patience.

"What?" The obese man snapped.

"My name is Albus Dumbledore, and I'm here for Harry Potter." Dumbledore said kindly, trying desperately to ignore the loud, passionate screams blaring throughout the house that none of the Dursleys seemed to notice.

"The boy's upstairs, but I doubt you'll be able to pull him away from that tart he's with." The man snapped. In truth, he was highly jealous of his nephew for getting such an attractive woman in bed with him. It was almost impressive enough to make his dislike the boy less.

"Thank you for your indulgence Mr. Dursley, I shall only be a moment."

Dumbledore slipped past the man, and up the stairs. Unlike Remus, Tonks, and Hestia, Dumbledore was indeed enough of a cockblock to interrupt a coupling couple. Without any thought or care to what he might see, Dumbledore barged into the room- although he was admittedly shocked by the quite pleasant change in decor, giving the pair enough time to finish- and magically separated and clothed the pair. With a casual wave of his wand, he transfigured the soft sheets into robes for both, before turning the disappointed grandfather routine on max power.

"I'm very disappointed in you Harry." He said with a pained, sigh. "And you Mrs. Malfoy, should know better than to be sleeping with an underage boy."

Sadly, neither of the two targets were affected. "For your information, Harry is sixteen- the age of lawful consent- and more than capable of making his own choices about sex. Besides, can you blame me for wanted to get the shape of my pussy rearranged by his huge cock?" Harry found himself shocked- though he didn't show it- by Narcissa's words. That was more along the lines of Bella's style of vulgarity. On the other hand, Cissa was a Slytherin, and maybe she felt being obtuse and dirty was the way to go.

"Harry is but a child, and here you are taking advantage of him. An impressionable young man can be coerced into anything by an older, much wiser woman willing to show him a good time."

Narcissa glared at her former headmaster, and when she spoke, her voice was cold. "I have _made_ him do nothing aside from continue using birth control with my sister."

"What?" Dumbledore paled when he saw the quite sheepish look that crossed Harry's features.

"As soon as he found out about her ex-husband's death, Harry- sweet boy that he is- intended to impregnate and make an honest woman of her, which as you know would have emancipated him. I convinced him not to do so, as marrying a Death Eater- even if she was ready to defect to be with him- wouldn't be good for his reputation with the fickle public."

Another thirty minutes of tedious conversation- that lead nowhere slowly- later, Dumbledore still hadn't given Harry a good reason to want to leave. Sure, Dumbledore had given him any number of reasons that _he_ wanted Harry to leave, but none that would make _Harry_ want to. Finally, Dumbledore decided he was done playing.

"Harry, I must insist that you come with me to the Burrow." Giving the man a calculating eye, Harry shrugged.

"Okay, I'll go, but only if I'm allowed to bring Cissa with me, continue meeting up with Bella on weekends, and continue my correspondence with Tom."

"I don't think that is a wise course of action, and I fear that you're being secretly corrupted." Dumbledore replied. "Harry, you must trust that I know what's best." Had that been the year prior, Harry would have caved. Hell, had it been before he'd gotten laid it might have worked, eventually. Now though, Harry wasn't too fond of Dumbledore.

"Looking back over all of your decisions in regards to me, I'm seriously starting to doubt that you do." Harry said. "And if you think I'm being corrupted, then I think you're a bit more out of touch with things than I thought. I shagged one Death Eater into wanting to defect, made her ask Voldemort to arrange accidents for two of his Inner Cirlce, then shagged her sister into defecting as well. Not only that, but I've actually gotten Voldemort to the point where he's seriously considering defecting from his _own_ camp. If anyone is having a corrupting influence, it's me, and for the better."

"You know, he makes a very good point, Dumbledore." Narcissa taunted. "If there's any kind of influence being bandied about, it's coming from Harry and that magnificent willy of his."

"Harry-" Dumbledore tried again, only to be interrupted.

"You know what, never mind, since I know you're just going to kidnap me if I don't go willingly." Harry replied. "And knowing my luck, the fact that you created the wards will probably mean that they won't respond how they should if you try to make me, and that display from earlier says I'm probably right. If you'll excuse me for a few minutes, I need to pack and say goodbye to Cissa."

"Harry, I don't think-"

"And I don't care." Harry replied, his tone now showing some bite. "If you're going to blatantly ruin what's left of the first stretch of time I've ever enjoyed here, the least you could do is allow me to say goodbye to my girlfriend."

With a heavy sigh, Dumbledore agreed. Much as he was against the idea, he knew his relationship with Harry was far from friendly at the moment. If he was going to guide Harry to his destiny, then "Very well."

As soon as the door shut behind the old man, Narcissa pulled Harry into a heated kiss. "That was absolutely brilliant. Morgana, seeing you talk down to that old patroniser the same way he does to others has gotten me so hot I could jump you right now."

"You know, it felt surprisingly good to do it." Harry admitted, pulling Narcissa into a kiss, but breaking it before it got too intense. "But as I said, this is goodbye for now."

"How long before I can see you again?" Narcissa asked, internally grumbling at how cliche their conversation sounded.

"Only about a couple of days." Harry replied grinning as he began packing. "I do want to see my friends again, and I'd like to spend a couple of days hanging out with them. After that, I'll be back for some more learning."

"And just what kind of learning would that be?" Narcissa said, striking a sexy pose on the bed where she was now laying.

"Well, to be honest, I'd like to get a few more of our Hogwarts lessons done." Harry said. "But if those lessons happen to result in a lack of clothing, and sweaty naked fun before, during, and after, then all the better."

"I'll miss you, love." Narcissa teased, spreading her legs just a bit.

"Merlin, am I going to miss you too." Harry said, finally closing his trunk. "Mind pausing in your teasing me long enough to give me a hand?"

"So I'm your girlfriend, now?" She asked.

"I really only said that because I knew it would bother Dumbledore." Harry admitted. "But I can admit to hoping...if you don't mind, that is."

"Heh, I've got a famous boyfriend, Bella is going to be so jealous." Narcissa sing-songed.

With a smirk, and a negligent flick of her wand, Harry's trunk lightened and shrunk small enough to fit into his pocket. Stowing it away, Harry gave his lover one last kiss, before exiting his room, and heading down the stairs where Dumbledore was waiting. He followed the man to the edge of the wards, and took hold of his arm, before feeling as if he was being squeezed through a tube. When the sensation ended, Harry found himself in a neighborhood that he didn't recognize. Having explored Ottery St. Catchpole with Ron and the twins a few times during his visits, he knew that he wasn't anywhere near the village in Devon.

"Where are we?" Harry asked, annoyed.

"This, Harry, is the charming village of Budleigh Babberton."

"What are we doing here?"

"Just a small pitstop." Dumbledore said, smiling lightly. "I seem to find myself once again in the position of being a staff member short. I was hoping that you might help convince an old colleague of mine to come out of retirement and return to Hogwarts?"

"And just how am I supposed to do that?"

"I'm sure we can find a use for you." Dumbledore replied.

"I see, so you're already going back on your word to stop keeping secrets that involve me, from me." Harry taunted. Dumbledore gave a great sigh, not liking at all being called on that statement. He was really starting to miss pliable, easily influenced Harry. Deep in his gut, he was already dreading the upcoming discussion about Voldemort's Horcruxes.

"Horace likes his comfort." Dumbledore admitted. "But he also likes the company of the famous, the successful, and the powerful. He enjoys the feeling that he influences them."

"And as one of the most famous people in the country, you want me to pander to his vanity." Harry guessed.

"I wouldn't quite put it like that." Dumbledore protested. "But yes, I'd like your help convincing him."

"No thanks, I'll pass." Harry started, shocking the old man. "After you take me away from the best summer of my life, you have the audacity to bring me here against my will, and use me to trick some leech into coming to Hogwarts? Bugger that. You took me from my brilliant summer to take me to the Burrow, so take me to the Burrow."

Letting out a disappointed sigh- that to his chagrin had no effect on Harry- Dumbledore relented. "Very well, Harry."

"It's your own fault." Harry chastised. "If you'd been a bit more willing to work with me, rather than force or order me about, I might have felt more inclined to help you."

Taking Harry by the arm, the squeezing tube sensations came again, before they found themselves at the edge of the Burrows' wards. A quick trip, which actually took a few minutes due to Dumbledore's pace- and they were at the back door. Reaching up, Harry knocked.

"Who is it?" Mrs. Weasley's voice came from the other side.

"It's Albus Dumbledore with Harry Potter." The old man said calmly.

"Prove it." Before Dumbledore could reply with some code, Harry blurted out.

"Open up woman, I've got a basilisk in my trousers, and I'm not afraid to use it." The locks came undone, and the door snapped open so fast, Harry thought it might have set a new record.

Almost immediately after, he was engulfed in the ample bosom of Molly Weasley as she tried to hug the life out of him. Molly had what Harry often called the Mythical Maternal Bosom of lore. Being smothered in it when she hugged you made you feel like a bloody six year old, and even now he was having to resist the urge to stick his thumb in his mouth. He was fairly certain that if Hermione or Ginny had Mrs. Weasley's endowment, his reactions to their hugs would have been a sight different than to hers, but she did possess the mystical bosom of legend. Thankfully, Molly hugged herself out rather quickly, and pulled him back to get a good look at him. She seemed happy that he wasn't overly thin, and seemed to be eating better; and Harry had to fight back commenting on the fact that frequently licking Bellatrix to loud, messy orgasms could put some meat on anyone's bones.

He was also glad she'd taken the time to look him over, as it gave him time to catch his breath after her near suffocating hug, and gave him time to prepare for what came next. As soon as she let him go, and stepped aside, Harry found himself the target of a brown haired missile. Hermione's just a bit slighter frame collided with his in one of her special tackle hugs reserved especially for Harry, and tight enough to rival Molly's. Normally, his former aversion to such things would have caused him to flinch, and therefore be unprepared for the sudden impact and weight, thus knocking him off balance a bit, causing him to stumble.

Much to the surprise of the exceedingly happy brunette, rather than stumble like he normally did when she went for one of her tackle hugs, Hermione surprisingly found Harry gripping her just as tightly, returning the hug. And if that wasn't enough she also found herself picked up, and spun around in a circle by her chuckling best friend.

"Harry, you-" She started, only to be cut off as Ginny mimicked her, and was pulled into a spinning hug. Hermione smiled at the wide grin that Ginny sported after being put down, and even the freaked out look on Ron's face when Harry held out his arms to him. Not surprisingly, he declined. She had to force back a laugh when Harry turned to Mrs. Weasley and held out his arms. She couldn't hold it back when Molly gave him a jokingly chiding rebuke.

"I'm alright dear," Mrs. Weasley said. "I daresay I'm a bit more stout than Ginny and Hermione, so I don't know if you could actually get me up and around."

To everyone's shock, Harry walked up to Mrs. Weasley, and proved that he was quite a bit stronger than he looked. Still, it was fun seeing the shocked, and surprisingly girlishly happy look on the mother of seven's face when Harry picked her up and spun her around. Granted Harry didn't get Mrs. Weasley as far off the ground as he had she and Ginny, he got her a fair bit up. She found herself shockingly curious about how Fleur would have reacted to being picked up and spun around had she been in the house, rather than patrolling the perimeter of the Burrow's wards.

Seeing that Harry's mood seemed to have taken a turn for the better, Dumbledore decided to take a chance, "Harry, may I have a moment of your time, please. There's something that I wished to discuss with you that I didn't feel comfortable discussing in the presence of Mrs. Malfoy."

Turning to Hermione, Harry said. "I know you have questions, and I promise I'll explain everything after I see what Dumbledore wants."

Smiling at the way Harry had been able to so easily read her, she retorted. "You better, Harry Potter." Giving her a nod, Harry followed the Headmaster into the sitting room.

888

Harry joined Dumbledore in the sitting room just as Dumbledore was putting his wand away, and from the utter silence coming from the kitchen, where Molly, Hermione, and Ginny had been giggling, he guessed Dumbledore had cast a privacy charm. Once he had been seated, the old man decided that beating around the bush might not serve his purposes at the moment, as it would give Harry's good mood time to sober up.

"Sirius' will was discovered a week ago." Dumbledore started. "He left everything to you; were you aware?"

"I thought it might be a possibility." Harry admitted, since Sirius didn't have any children that they knew of, he was the most logical beneficiary aside from Moony or the Tonkses.

"Well, the main part is fairly straightforward," Dumbledore informed him. "You added a reasonable amount of gold to your vaults, as well as all of Sirius' personal possessions. The problematic part of the will, and I daresay the part that is causing the Order just a bit of difficulty, is that Sirius left you Grimmauld Place as well."

"I see." Harry replied, causing Dumbledore to inwardly frown. He'd been expecting Harry to claim he wanted nothing to do with the place, and to offer it to the Order.

"Well, we've vacated the building temporarily, as you've probably been able to tell." Harry nodded. "While Sirius' will makes it clear that you are to inherit, there is the off chance that there are enchantments that would make it so that only a Black could inherit it. Since his brother predeceased him, the house would likely pass to his eldest living relative, Bellatrix Lestrange."

'_Well that shouldn't really be a problem, should it?_' Harry thought as Dumbledore continued to drone on about the hows and whys this was bad. '_Especially since I pretty much shagged her into _defecting._ It won't be hard to get that final push._'

"There is, however, an easy test we can try to see if you're allowed to own it." Dumbledore revealed. "You see, if you inherited Grimmauled Place, then that means you also inherited something else."

He drew and waved his wand, and with a loud crack, the deranged old elf that had seemingly haunted Sirius' home all of last year appeared.

"Kreacher," Dumbledore began.

"Kreacher won't, Kreacher won't, Kreacher won't," The elf croaked loudly, throwing a tantrum.

"Give him an order Harry." Dumbledore said. "If he follows your orders, then you own Grimmauld Place."

Harry glared at the little creature. He wanted so desperately to hate the bastard, but he knew he couldn't. His gut told him that there was something off about Kreacher, and that he wasn't all right in the head. Not only that, but it would be incredibly hypocritical, especially considering who he was shagging. Hating Kreacher for his part in Sirius' death, yet forgiving Bellatrix for her definite, and Narcissa for her likely part in the same was about as irrational as the hatred Snape had held for him before he'd even met him.

He wouldn't hate him, but he'd have to think of something for him to do that would keep him out of his way until he could get over his feelings for the elf. Shagging Narcissa and Bellatrix had helped with his issues with them, but he couldn't see himself taking the same recourse with Kreacher. He would have liked to have a bit more time to put thought to things, but Kreacher's cries were getting even louder, and much more annoying.

"Shut it, Kreacher!" Harry snapped. To both his and Harry's shock, the elf fell silent, and he looked for a moment as if he were going to choke. Kreacher's hands shot to his throat, where long fingers grasped, his mouth still working furiously as his eyes bulged.

"Well that certainly simplifies things." As Kreacher continued throwing his tantrum silently.

"Yes, it does." Harry agreed, thinking of everything owning a House Elf would mean, as well as a way to make Hermione accept it.

"Well, now that that is settled, would you mind lending the Order your home for our headquarters?" Dumbledore asked, putting on his best grandfather look.

He certainly wasn't expecting, nor did he particularly like, the smirk Harry gave him. "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid that I cannot."

"Why not?"

"Because the number of people that I know and trust in the Order is far less than the ones I don't." Harry revealed. "Not only that, but I refuse to give someone like Mundungus Fletcher unrestricted access to my home. I'm fairly sure he'll take every opportunity he can to sneak in, and steal everything that's movable.

"Harry, I trust Dung-" Dumbledore was quickly interrupted.

"Yes, and look where that got me last year. I'm sorry, but the fact that you so implicitly trust Dung and Snape- whose never made it a secret that he despises me for having the audacity to exist- means that I cannot trust you. And if I can't trust you, what makes you think I'm going to allow anyone from your group into my home unchaperoned."

"Now Harry, I'm sure-"

To Dumbledore's shock, Harry turned to the silent, but visibly fuming Kreacher. "Kreacher, lock down Grimmauld Place. I don't want anyone besides you, me, Hermione, and Dobby to be able to get in that doesn't have expressed permission from me, and you're allowed to use any force you deem necessary to follow my order." Kreacher glared at him for several seconds, before nodding his acceptance, and popping away; but not before Harry was able to get out. "Thank you, Kreacher."

Harry would likely have found the look of shocked awe, and slight adoration that fell across the elf's face as he popped away amusing had he not turned back to Dumbledore beforehand.

"Is that all, sir?" Harry asked.

"Are you sure that I cannot convince you to allow-"

"I'm sorry sir, but that would be like someone asking you to allow Rita Skeeter into your home without a leash and muzzle." Harry compared. "Not a truly threatening request, but an incredibly unwise one to agree to."

"I'm terribly sorry you feel that way," Dumbledore said, truly feeling said remorse. "-that will be all, thank you. Now I really must be going. I have to see if I can still convince Horace to take up his post again at Hogwarts."

To let him know the bridge wasn't completely burned- even if it was in serious disrepair, Harry decided to throw the man a small bone."If it'll help, you can tell him that I was curious about meeting him, and maybe some of his Auror or Quidditch oriented friends."

"Thank you dearly, Harry." Dumbledore gave a smile that all was not lost between the two. "I daresay that might help more than you realize. Though I will warn you-"

"Don't worry, he won't be adding me to his little collection." With that, Dumbledore undid his privacy charm, and exited the Burrow via the floo. Taking a moment to compose himself, Harry stood, and headed back into the kitchen.

"Harry dear, what did the professor want?" Molly asked as soon as he entered.

"He wanted to tell me that Sirius left me everything, and ask me if he could use Grimmauld Place as Order headquarters again."

"Oh, and what did you say?" Molly asked. Normally she'd have just assumed he did, but given the letters the past month, she had her doubts.

"I told him no." Harry answered. "To be perfectly honest, there's a lot of trust issues that need to be dealt with, the least of which is who he seems to implicitly trust. No offense to anyone else, but I don't want to chance someone like Mundungus Fletcher taking that permission as a blanket go ahead to loot my home as he sees fit, and I can't trust the headmaster to not stop it."

"I understand dear," Molly said, nodding. "-never did like that man anyway."

"Okay, now you have some splainin to do, Harry Potter." Hermione said.

"Yes, I'd like to hear how you explain those letters, your behavior, and cavorting with those two..._women_." It was plainly obvious from her tone that she wanted to call them something else, but since Harry seemed fond of them, she didn't want to upset him.

"Well, I think I've done a lot more for the war effort than the Order has in the past two months."

"What's this?" Molly asked, unsure how his antics had actually helped the Light side.

"Let's see, Hermione, Ron, Ginny, Neville, Luna, and I stopped Voldemort from getting the Prophecy, and we exposed that he was back. It might have been a trap, but we handled ourselves pretty well, and if it hadn't been for the fact that we weren't seasoned enough fighters to realize that stunning the enemy before we reduced their numbers was a bad fighting strategy, we would have probably been able to deal with them ourselves."

Molly huffed. Her opinions of children fighting were well known, but she'd already had this discussion with Hermione, Ron, and Ginny. She'd had it explained to her that the Death Eaters weren't going to leave them alone because she thought they were too young. She'd also been reminded that Harry was a major target of the Dark Lord- exchanged letters aside- and was forced to admit that Harry wouldn't be able to avoid fighting, and that the three teens would never abandon Harry. About the only way to truly keep them safe would be to feed them all Draught of Living Death, and lock them up in the tower of an impregnable castle under the Fidelius Charm with that hyper elf as the Secret Keeper. Well, if not the fighting, there was surely one thing she could make a stink about.

"And what of those two child molesters?" Harry almost snickered at how she was referring to Bellatrix and Narcissa.

"They're not child molesters, Mrs. Weasley, I'm past the age of consent."

"I'm well aware of that, but those two women are far older than you." Molly protested. "Bellatrix and Narcissa were both at Hogwarts when I was a student."

"So your problem is with their age, or would you have raised a fuss from the fact that I'm being intimate with someone regardless?"

"While I personally feel that you should wait until you're older to go all the way, Harry, if you had been with someone your own age like Ginny or Hermione," The two girls blushed, and Ron scowled. "-then it wouldn't have been so bad. I was young once too, you know, so I know what you're feeling, and the urges that come with puberty and growing up."

"Well, would it help if they're helping me to prove that the Sorting Hat may have had a reason for putting me into slytherin?"

"Well I can't see you having anything to do with blood purity crap, so do explain your ambitiously cunning plan." Hermione teased.

"Well, considering I shagged one of Voldemort's Inner Circle into wanting to defect, as well as the wife of another of his Inner Circle, I'd say I've got two very good sources of information inside his camp."

"But wouldn't You-Know-Who be suspicious of Bellatrix?" Ron asked. "I mean, she admitted to wanting to be your- _sorry mum_- cumdump."

"You would think so, but she's done a fair job of convincing him that the only interest she has in me is for the great sex." Harry revealed. "There's also the fact that over the course of our correspondence, he's seem to have mellowed out a bit. If things keep going as they have been, I may be able to rehabilitate and turn Voldemort himself from the Death Eater camp."

"Well I guess that's convenient." Hermione replied, to which Molly grumbled.

"It is, and aside from my war efforts, there's been some other good things about me sleeping with Bellatrix and Narcissa."

"Oh?"

"You'd be amazed at what kind of psychological childhood issues shagging two women old enough to be my mum helped me deal with."

"What do you mean?" Hermione asked confused. "How did that happen?"

"Well for starters, you won't have to worry about me flinching away when you try to hug me anymore." Harry said. "And as you probably noticed earlier, I'm more comfortable _initiating_ physical contact as well."

So happy for her friend, Hermione wrapped him up into another tight hug, and smiled when his arms encircled her. She sighed, enjoying the feeling of love, warmth, and safety Harry's hug elicited, so much so that she was taken by surprise when Harry kissed the top of her head. Harry had never- as long as she'd known him- kissed her anywhere. Leaning back to stare him in the face, she gave him a look of askance.

"Many issues resolved, remember."

"Well as unsure as I was before, I have to say I approve of the results."

Much as Molly didn't want to, she found herself agreeing, and said as much "As much as I don't want to, I'm inclined to agree with Hermione, dear." Everyone else agreed as well.

888888

Harry spent much of the rest of that evening, and most of the next morning reconnecting with his best friend, and his best mate; although the latter item was a bit difficult at first. Almost as soon as they'd been shooed off to bed, Ron decided it was time to confront Harry about his intentions towards Hermione. While he knew Harry was capable of pranks and practical jokes, the letters also implied that he wasn't completely joking. Little did they know, their conversation would be eavesdropped upon by Hermione and Ginny who'd come to say goodnight.

"Harry, mate, be honest with me, are you going after Hermione?" Harry gave a sigh, knowing that this conversation was coming after everything he'd said in those letters. He also knew that this wasn't going to be an easy one.

"No, Ron, I'm not going after Hermione," He started, noticing the look of relief on his friend. He really hated to burst that bubble. "-but neither will I resist if she decides to make a move herself." Seeing Ron's reddening ears, he decides to nip that explosion in the bud quickly. "Ron, despite what your familiar may suggest, I know you're not stupid. You and I both know that there's only one girl who truly knows what being with me would mean. One girl who knows the good, the bad, and the freakishly disturbing shite that encompasses my life. Who is that?"

As much as he wanted to say Ginny, he knew that wasn't true. There was only one person who knew Harry as well as could be know. Reluctantly, Ron admitted, "Hermione."

"Yes, I'll admit that she's a safe choice, a crutch if I'm really honest, but after everything, I just don't think I'd want my relationships to be a bloody battle as well."

"But what about Ginny."

"I'll admit Ginny is very hot, and I'm also sure that she could easily reach the point Hermione is at as far as knowing the ins and outs of the craziness that is my life, but she has a boyfriend. Besides, I don't think she even likes me that way anymore." Outside, both Hermione and Ginny rolled their eyes at that. "Look, I'm not saying that Hermione and I will get together, that's for her to decide. I'm just saying that if the opportunity presents itself, I'm not likely to turn it down. If you really like her, then do something about it, rather than just acting like a git every time a bloke shows interest in her."

The evening after Harry arrived found him hugging Hermione, Ginny, and Mrs. Weasley goodbye. He'd had Dobby return his trunk to Privet Drive a few minutes earlier, along with a message to Narcissa that he'd be back soon. He apologized for leaving so soon, but told them that he respected the Weasleys too much to have their home be the site of his personal battle with Dumbledore. Surprisingly, Molly understoods, and wished him good luck. They'd all graciously accepted Harry's invitation to come and visit him, and even volunteered to host a small sleepover for Ginny's birthday with the promise that there would be no promiscuous activities while Ron and Ginny were his guests.

Soon it was time to leave. Since as a bloke he really didn't want to be hugged up with Ron, and Hermione hated flying, it was up to Ginny to fly him to the edge of the wards. Of course, there was a bit of a detour before heading that way. Having always been a fan of Harry's flying, Ginny had wanted to experience it for herself, but wasn't exactly sure of her ability to pull off some of the things Harry did. Shrugging, Harry mounted the broom, and Ginny climbed on behind him. With a grin, Ginny scooting up close behind him, and wrapping her arms tightly around him. Harry shot off into the evening sky, a pleased grin on his face as he put Ginny's broom through its paces. Ginny whooped and cheered as Harry flew her around the Burrow's property like he did on the quidditch pitch.

After a few more rolling loops, Harry righted the broom, and directed it towards the ward boundary. Ginny let out a slightly content sigh as she snuggled up against Harry's back, her arms low around his waist to allow for the best grip. It was as they were nearing the treeline, that she felt something pressing against her forearm.

"Harry, is that what I think it is poking me in the arm?" She asked.

"Sorry, but after the week I've had, my body is starting to react to the opposite sex like a normal teenage male does." He answered. "And with your chest pressed into my back like that, well..."

Ginny gave a rather undignified snort of laughter, but let it go...at least until they reached the ward line, and Harry brought the broom to a hover near the ground. Just as he was about to climb off, Ginny decided to let her inner deviant out for a bit. With a smirk Harry couldn't see, she reached between his legs, and gave the lump that had been pressing her arm a good fondling squeeze.

"Gin!" Harry exclaimed.

"Just sating a curiosity while I had the chance to. It really is quite big." As it stood, Ginny knew that Hermione was likely one good row with her brother away from deciding to take up Narcissa's suggestion. She'd seen the effects Harry's letters were having on the older girl- they were having the same sort of effect on her, and she _had_ a boyfriend- and the absolute contentment on her face when Harry had held her the night before, right before he kissed her head, had been very telling.

Upon leaving the edge of the ward boundary, Harry quickly called the Knight Bus. Half an hour later, Harry arrived on Wisteria Walk, and quickly made his way over to Privet Drive. Having heard the telltale sound of the Knight Bus, Narcissa was already at the door waiting for him when he knocked. The door was quickly snatched open, and shortly after, Harry was pulled into the house by his collar and into a passionately heated kiss. While she'd have been content to strip right there in the hallway, and have Harry take her against the door, an impatient voice from the top of the steps derailed Narcissa's lecherous ambitions.

"I see someone is just as selfish as they were when we were girls." Bellatrix's teasing voice came, earning an oddly cute pout from the 40 year old blonde. "Now will you stop messing around, and bring boytoy upstairs? You know I don't have much time off for these kinds of things; what with the lessons I'm being forced to give your bratty son."

888888

August 8

The morning of August 8, Dumbledore arrived at the Burrow, and in his gnarled hands were held four envelopes. Three of which held OWL results, while the last held the scores from end of year exams. Each OWL envelope also contained a list of available classes that each student had qualified for, as well as the book lists for each class they might decide upon. Upon seeing him, Molly immediately summoned the teens in the house, and Dumbledore found himself shocked when only three appeared.

"Excuse me Molly, but where's Harry?" With his attention focused on the matriarch, he missed the exceptionally amused looks the teens were giving the back of his head.

"I'm afraid that Harry has returned to his relatives." She answered with a straight face, feigning worry. "He said that he didn't want the Burrow to be the site of his quarrel with you. What did he mean by that, headmaster?"

With a deeply frustrated, and slightly annoyed sigh, Dumbledore headed to the fireplace after sending off a Patronus message. After fishing around for a couple knuts, he dropped them into the 'replace the floo powder' jar he'd insisted upon; especially after the Order meetings started taking place at the Burrow, and their supply of floo powder started getting used much more frequently than normal. Tossing a handful of powder into the fireplace, Dumbledore stepped in, called out Arabella's floo address, and disappeared in green flames. Stride unbroken, he stepped out and exited the house before swiftly making his way to #4 Privet Drive, not even bothering to change his robes into a suit like normal.

Upon reaching the house, he found Remus and Tonks already there waiting for him; both of whom looked decidedly amused. Something told him they'd be little to no help at all. The trio entered the Dursley home without so much as a 'by your leave', prompting Tonks to mutter viciously about the irony of how she'd broken more laws- specifically breaking and entering a Muggle home- since she'd joined the Order than she ever had previously. The three magicals- well, Dumbledore anyway- didn't bother with knocking on Harry's bedroom door, just simply barged in as if they owned the place.

Luckily, as a result of the night they'd spent with Narcissa's eldest sister, neither Harry nor his girlfriend were in a condition to shag that morning. As a result, after cleaning up, and a nice wake up cuddle/snog, they decided to resume his lessons, this time focusing on Potions. It was as they were going over the ingredient properties that could turn a healing draught into a poison, that they were interrupted by Dumbledore, Remus, and Tonks. The old man, who was still beyond awed at the new set-up of the room, stared in shock at Narcissa Malfoy in full on Professor mode. She was even dressed the part...well, she would have been if she were going for the insanely sexy Muggle teacher look.

"What's going on here?" Dumbledore asked.

"Well, since Severus has decided to screw over every nonSlytherin student he's ever had, I've been helping to catch Harry up in Potions." Narcissa replied. "I must say, Dumbledore, you allow that man far too much leeway in regards to his lessons. I find myself wondering if _he_ is the reason why we have so few Potions Mastery apprentices, and increasinly fewer auror and healer applicants each year since he's been hired."

Dumbledore couldn't hold back the wince at that. He'd noticed the trend himself, but had been hoping there was another cause for it. Having someone else notice and point it out, well, it made him wonder if trying to hire Horace, and move Severus to Defense was such a good idea, especially in these dark times. Be that as it may, he was here for a reason...although, the academic in him couldn't help the curiosity of finding out how good a teacher the former Slytherin was.

"If you don't mind, may I sit in on the lesson?" Neither Narcissa nor Harry cared, so the three Order members conjured chairs, and took a seat. With that, the lesson resumed.

Tonks sat through the Potions lesson in near awe of her aunt's teaching ability. Having sat through only half an hour with her, and seven years of Snape, she could easily say that she'd have had less trouble with the subject if she'd had a professor like her. The scholar in Remus had damn near fallen in love with the woman as she instructed his friend's son. The professor in him was just as impressed with her ability and confidence as a teacher, as well as with how engaging her lesson was.

Dumbledore was in a state of entranced awe at what he'd seen; and he had to admit that she was most definitely a better teacher than Severus. Her method of discussing the potion they were brewing both before and after attempting it was certainly refreshing, and allowed for one to gain a better understanding of the brew upon seeing it first hand. Maybe he could hire Narcissa on to help tutor the students in Potions; and if he couldn't get Horace to accept the position, maybe he could hire Narcissa to instruct the first two years instead. It almost made him regret taking Harry away if he was getting this kind of tutoring...almost.

"I must say, I'm impressed with your teaching ability, Mrs. Malfoy." The aged headmaster said. "However, as much as I would like to leave Harry in your capable instruction, I must think of his safety first and foremost. As such, we must immediately relocate Harry."

"Am I going back to the Burrow?" Harry asked with a hint of annoyance. They were going to be working on OWL Runes after this, and he'd been admittedly looking forward to it; especially given how excitable Hermione had been about the subject last year. "Because unless you're putting a Fidelius Charm on it, then Privet Drive is actually much safer."

The three adults were shocked to realize that Harry was actually right, though Dumbledore hid it much better than the other two.

"I was thinking that we could relocate you to the old headquarters, along with your friends." Dumbledore replied. "It is much safer there, don't you think.

It would also make it easier to keep an eye on him. By providing less space for Harry to wander around unwatched, it would decrease the chances of him slipping away again. It would also possibly convince Harry to allow the Order use of the townhouse for its headquarters again, since there would be someone there to 'chaperone', as he said. Harry, who wasn't really about to argue with the senile old man, just shrugged. He hadn't unpacked anything, just for this reason, so it wasn't really a bother to have his trunk shrunk.

After a rather intense snog- which again had Tonks marveling at the strength of infidelity clauses in marriage contracts, and had her staring out the corner of her eyes at Remus with a hint of envy- and a whispered declaration to his lover that he'd be back within an hour, Harry followed the three adults away from Privet Drive. Arriving at #12 Grimmauld Place, the three wizards and one witch entered the home. Kreacher immediately appeared, ready to evict the trespassers, but Harry quickly informed him that they were to be given a temporary pass. He also decided to deal with Mrs. Black's portrait. Walking straight over, he snatches the curtains open, and spoke before the startled portrait could get going.

"Mrs. Black, I'm going to give you two choices." Harry said firmly. "Either you behave in a civil manner, or I'll get rid of you."

"You can't get rid of me," She started, only to be met by a deviously grinning Harry.

"I may not be able to pull your portrait off the wall, but that doesn't mean that I can't just get rid of the entire section of wall you're contaminating."

And just like that, she shut up, but not before. "Hmm, maybe you might be a worthy Clan Head after all."

"Well, now that that is settled, what say we get down to business." Dumbledore started. "Now, since you'll be here to keep an eye on things, I was hoping you might grant the Order permission to use Grimmauld Place as its headquarters, and to allow for a few Order members to relocate here, to help keep you safe."

"Hmm, okay, I'll allow a few Order members here." Harry agreed, shocking the three adults. Dumbledore recovered quickly.

"Thank you, Harry, we are most grateful." Dumbledore said, before reaching into his robes. "Before I forget, your OWL results, and Hogwarts letters. Be sure to contact Professor McGonagall about what classes you'll be taking for next fall by the twenty-fifth of August."

"Thank you, sir."

"Now if you will excuse me, I have a couple errands to run." Harry rolled his eyes, figure that the old guy was about to run out and find some 'trustworthy' order members to act as minders for him. As soon as Dumbledore left, Harry grinned.

"Kreacher," He called. The formerly crazed elf- who was rapidly regaining his sanity- appeared. "Kreacher, Nymphadora Tonks and Remus Lupin are allowed to come and go as they please, so long as they understand that everything here belongs to me, and removing anything without my permission is akin to theft from an Ancient and Noble House."

"As young master wishes." Kreacher said, snapping his fingers, causing a soft green light to envelope the two remaining adults.

"But Harry didn't you just-" Tonks started, missing the exasperated sigh of amusement from Remus.

"I said that I'd allow a few Order Members to relocate here." Harry said, the grin not leaving his face. "You two are Order members, and I've allowed you to come and go as you wish. I never said anything about the entire Order. It's not my fault that he assumed."

"Heh, a prank worthy of the Marauders." Remus admitted.

"Thank you, and it will be an even better one if he comes back, and finds himself unable to enter." Harry said. "You're not going to ruin such a good prank, are you?"

"Don't worry, I won't." Remus promised. "While it's a bit late, I think you've gotten the hang of this teenage rebellion thing."

"Have to make up for lost time." Harry said. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a date with a sexy Runes teacher, and fifth year Runes to learn."

"You're leaving?" Tonks asked.

"Yeah, I have Runes tutoring scheduled, like I said." Harry said. "What, you didn't think spent all of our time shagging, did you?"

"Well-"

"Sure Narcissa, and Bellatrix to a lesser extent, are really randy women, but we don't just spend the entire day having sex." Harry said. "Like you saw when you came, she's been tutoring me as well. That classroom is not just there for show. We found that I have a natural gift with Runes, and with her reward system, in the couple weeks she's been visiting me, I'm already up to a fifth year Runes level. With my progress, she thinks I could take the OWLs by the end of summer."

"Oh, well then I guess I'd be a bad uncle figure if I tried to stunt your educational growth." Remus said.

"Thanks, and I'll see you later." Harry said, as he exited the house.

"You're just going to let him go?" Tonks asked.

"He's certainly safer at Privet Drive than he is here." Remus answered. "Besides, he's doing a lot better now than he was when we saw him at the start of the summer, and he seems to be happier than his early letters implied, so why not?"

"Huh, good point." Tonks said, before hinting quite strongly. "Maybe a good shagging is what we all need about now."

Unfortunately for Tonks, Remus seemed to completely miss the hint.

888

As for Harry, he casually made his way a couple streets over from Grimmauld Place, and called for the Knight Bus. Again, Harry hopped on, passing on the toothbrush, and made his return to Privet Drive. He'd barely made it onto the top step before the door opened to reveal his aunt, uncle, and cousin. He also noticed that they were all dressed up.

"Going out?" He asked.

"Dudley's report card came back." His aunt said. "We're going to celebrate."

"Did well, did you?" Harry said, smiling.

"Well, better than I could normally expect." Dudley replied honestly, and civilly, surprising everyone there.

"Good on you, then." Harry said, then patted his own pocket. "Just got my own GCSE's."

"You'll have to tell me how you did when we get back." His cousin said.

In a voice that bordered on gruff, and annoyed- and Harry had to hide his grin, and pretend he didn't see his aunt elbow his uncle- Vernon said. "Yes, we'd love to hear. Now if we can get going, we have a reservation."

Stepping aside, Harry watched his relatives pile into the car, and leave. Shaking his head at the craziness of having a civil conversation with his relatives, and the sheer insanity of any of his relatives taking interest in his life, Harry entered the home, and locked the door. Making his way to his bedroom, Harry opened the door to find Narcissa lounging in his bed with a book. From the way she was engrossed enough in it that she hadn't even noticed his return spoke of it being either very good, or of particular interest to her.

"Honey, I'm home." Harry called out teasingly. She barely spared him a glance- blowing him a kiss- before turning back to her book.

Deciding to just let Cissa enjoy her book, Harry sat down at the table, and pulled out the envelope that Dumbledore gave him. Opening the envelope, Harry pulled out his OWL scores. Giving them a look over, he found that he wasn't all that surprised by his scores. He'd scraped an OWL in Astronomy, he'd done poorly in History and Divination, he'd easily surpassed the bar in Defense, and everything else was an E. Seven OWLs with mostly E's wasn't bad considering that he wasn't exactly a model student. So what to sign up for next year.

Well first of all, he could scratch Potions, because he hadn't qualified for that class. He wondered if Dumbledore knew that Snape had such a large hand in there being so few auror and healer candidates. After all, requiring an O for his NEWT class, and then being such a piss poor professor almost guaranteed that there would be very few students taking NEWT Potions, and therefore very few candidates for Healer, Auror, and Potions Mastery Apprenticeships. Tch, knowing that senile old man, he probably knew, but thought that it was for the best somehow. Oh well, if he wanted to take the NEWT to screw with Snape, he could always get tutoring from Hermione and Narcissa.

That just left Transfiguration, Defense Against the Dark Arts, Charms, Care of Magical Creatures, and Herbology. In all honesty, he was really only interested in taking the first three. While Care of Magical Creatures had been interesting to say the least, he didn't think he could take another two years of the dangerous, vicious monsters that Hagrid liked to call 'sweet little beasties'. Given what they'd had the past couple years, he didn't even want to know what he'd be bringing them for NEWT classes. Then again, if he only took three classes, possibly four, he knew that Hermione would never let him hear the end of it. And the same could be said for Herbology as well. Oh well, he could always ask Neville for help in the latter, and maybe getting some tail from Madam Maxime will have tempered his love of dangerous beasts a little.

While he'd like to have taken Runes, he didn't have an OWL score that would qualify him, or even an attempt for that matter. That meant that he wouldn't be able to take the class...or would he? Maybe if he sent a letter to Professor McGonagall. With that in mind, Harry pulled some writing supplies out of the large desk in the room, and set about writing his letter.

_Professor McGonagall,_

_I was wondering if it might be possible for me to take Runes starting next term. I am currently taking a very accelerated Runes tutoring course, and my instructor seems to think that I should be ready to test for my OWL by the end of the summer. If I were to take the OWL and score high enough, would be possible to keep that option open as a possibility?_

_Sincerely,_

_Harry_

Just as he'd finished his letter to his professor, Hedwig flew in through the open window. Harry grinned at his owl, only to receive a series of irritated barks which he was somehow able to interpret as meaning, 'Do you have any idea how tiring trying to keep up with your constant moving has been? You better be glad I love you, or I'd have just stayed at the bacon hut, and left you to fend for yourself for the rest of the summer. Even if I have to deal with the hyper flying rat, it's better than all of this useless running about.' How he knew that, Harry didn't know, and to be perfectly honest, he didn't want to. Still, Hedwig allowed him to tie the note to her, and left the way she came after a quick water break.

"She seemed upset with you." A teasing voice whispered into his ear, just before a pair of arms wrapped around his torso, a pair of full, round breasts pressed into his back, and a chin settled onto his shoulder. "What's this?"

"Seems nothing, she is." Harry answered. "And these are my OWLs. I'm writing to Professor McGonagall in the hopes that she'll let me take Runes if I can get the required OWL before the end of the summer."

"Hmm, if you keep improving, then it's doable." She said, then picked up his results. "You did alright, but I can't help but be a little disappointed in your History score."

"Well, I'm not all that bothered by it." Harry replied. "This is also the OWL I was taking when I got that vision from Voldemort about Sirius, so I was a little distracted by being in a fit. Besides, Binns' class is boring, and what I did learn from that class, I learned from Hermione and reading the books. You know, if I got mine, then Draco probably got his as well."

"Hmm, you're probably right." Narcissa admitted. "It has been awhile since I checked in on Draco, and I'm curious how he did." As Narcissa's hand slipped into his lap, she nibbled on his ear, and whispered. "I guess we'd better get started, then. Not only do we have a Runes lesson to get done, but you're going to have to give me a very thorough loving to last me while I'm away. Oh, and I'll contact Miranda in the testing center, and see if we can schedule old Professor Tofty to perform your Runes test."

"Thanks love, now let's get started."

888

When Dumbledore returned to Grimmauld Place an hour later, it was to find that he was once again barred from the premises. Unable to contact anyone inside, and not wanting to make a spectacle that would draw attention to the group standing in front of the townhouse, he apparated to the Burrow after dismissing the disgruntled group. Upon arriving, he found that he was given a surprisingly cold shoulder from the teens, as they quickly left the room without even acknowledging his presence. Heaving a great sigh, he turned to Molly.

"Would you mind if I used your floo to call upon Grimmauld Place?" He asked. Receiving permission, and again placing a few knuts into the sidedish, Dumbledore tossed a pinch in, and made his call.

In the kitchen of Grimmauld Place, Remus just so happened to be having himself a cup of tea, when the fireplace erupted into green flames, and Dumbledore's voice came through.

"Remus, would you mind retrieving Harry?" He asked. "I seen to have been barred from entering again, and I would need his permission to return."

"I'm sorry, but I can't do that." Remus replied.

"Remus, I know you take your duties toward Harry-"

"Actually, aside from that, I really can't do that." He said, grinning. "Harry's not here. Matter of fact, he left shortly after you did."

"And you let him go?" Remus, deciding that Dumbledore didn't need to really know that, answered.

"No, I offered to make a pot of tea for us and Tonks came to help me." He said. "Harry said he'd join us after he went to the loo. When he hadn't shown up after half an hour, I went to check on him, and Kreacher told me that the master had gone back to his female."

Heaving another great sigh, Dumbledore thanked the man, before exiting the fireplace to find Molly standing there. "Is everything alright, Albus?"

"It would seem that Harry has once again slipped his minders, and returned to Privet Drive." As he turned and headed towards the kitchen and backdoor, he missed the amused smile that slipped onto Molly's features. While she didn't approve of a woman Narcissa's age engaging in such acts with a boy Harry's age, she couldn't deny the good it had done for him, so was willing to look the other way for now. If any of _her_ children brought home a woman that age, though...the frown that marred her features was telling of how she felt about that notion.

888

Upon returning to Privet Drive for the third time, Dumbledore was decidedly less amused by Harry's antics than he'd been before. He wasted no time entering the Dursley home, marching up the stairs, and bursting into the smallest bedroom, not caring in the slightest what state of dress Harry- or any of his guests, for that matter- were in. As it was, Narcissa had popped away only seconds before Dumbledore had arrived.

Entering the room, Dumbledore found Harry sitting at the ornate desk that now occupied the room. "Harry, at the end of term you asked me to treat you more like an adult. It is hard to do that when you behave this way."

"Actually, you just said that you'd stop hiding things from me." Harry replied. "And yet when I ask you questions, I seem to get the same evasive responses as I got before, only worded so as to seem that you've let me in. Besides, as much as you wanted to preserve my chance at a childhood, I thought you'd be happy that I'm acting my age."

"Harry-"

"Or are you just annoyed that you've become the target of my teenage rebellion, rather than others?" Harry teased, before standing and facing him. "I'll tell you what, sir, I'll start acting more like an adult, but know that things aren't going to be the same. I'm not going to pretend to be a child to placate people's egos anymore. This means that I will be calling people- especially Snape- on their bullshit."

"I understand, Harry." Dumbledore replied, not realizing that he was included in that as well. "Shall we return to Grimmauld Place?"

"Sure, why not, and I'll even start showing some maturity by not running away again." He replied.

After heading out of the wards, Dumbledore apparated Harry to headquarters, and entered the building. Remus, who'd been coming from a side room, greeted them. Harry only spared him a nod before calling.

"Kreacher!" The elf immediately popped in. "Kreacher I'm reopening Grimmauld Place to the Order," Dumbledore smiled, while Kreacher scowled. Their expressions switched when he amended. "-but only conditionally."

"Harry?" Dumbledore asked, surprised when Harry turned to face him with a fiercely determined look.

"I'm allowing you to use my home as your headquarters, but that does not mean that I'm giving you free reign over it like Sirius did. First, unless there is an emergency meeting, I want to know when you're planning on having meetings."

"Harry-" Dumbledore started.

"No offense sir, but if I have plans for something like a friend's birthday, then I'm not going to be particularly happy about someone just randomly barging in, telling me to reschedule because they need to have a meeting."

"I understand." Dumbledore said.

"Second, you do not need the entire house to hold your meeting, just a single room. You can either use the room you used before, or choose a new one. If you continue to use the kitchen, then understand that I won't be banned from using it, meeting or not. If it's that much of a secret, you can alway use privacy charms."

Since Dumbledore was too shocked to respond at the moment, Remus asked the pertinent question. "Would you be opposed to loaning out a couple rooms?"

"Hmm, good point. The bedrooms on the first floor I'm willing to let out to you as a semi-dorm, or safehouse just in case. Since I don't see any reason for them to be elsewhere other than the first floor, I'll trust you to inform them of this restriction. Second, this free access to the house is open to everyone except for Mundungus Fletcher."

"Harry, Dung is a-"

"If you say that you trust that...thing, after what happened the summer before my fifth year, I will ban you and everyone else in the Order indefinitely." Harry snapped. "He is a lying drunk, and a thief, and he will undoubtedly steal anything he can get his hands on."

"I understand the distrust, but the information he can provide is valuable."

"Fine, I'll give him access, but you're responsible for his actions and behavior," Harry said, causing Dumbledore to sigh. "-however, there will be some severe restrictions on his admittance, and he won't be allowed inside until he returns everything he's already stolen from the house."

After some thought on the subject, and knowing that he could convince Mundungus to behave, Dumbledore agreed to Harry's terms. With the Order headquarters once again squared away, the headmaster went to the floo, and made a call to the Burrow. Harry could almost hear the relief in Dumbledore's voice when he informed the Weasleys that Harry was at Grimmauld Place, and that he would be staying there. From what he could overhear, Dumbledore was trying to convince Molly that she should wait a few days to allow Harry some time to get settled before sending the others to visit.

After everything they'd just discussed, he was still doing things his way without even considering anyone else's feelings. Oh well, he'd just have to revert to his rebellion, and show the old man the error of his ways. He could only hope that Hermione would decide to say bugger it all, and come visit him. The Weasleys were still too loyal to Dumbledore to defy him on something like this.

888888

August 9

Harry got his first chance to make a nuisance of himself the very next day. Dumbledore had called an impromptu emergency Order meeting to discuss a trip to Diagon Alley for Harry Hermione, and the Weasley children to acquire their school supplies. One thing that Harry had noticed- and that Hermione and the others had confirmed, was that they always took at least two hours in a meeting, even if a solution to the topic of the meeting could have been figured out and decided upon within half an hour. Like he'd told Hermione before, the efficiency of the Order- and even worse, the Ministry- made it plainly obvious why Voldemort had been on the verge of winning the last time.

Waiting until they were an hour into their brainstorming session, Harry knocked politely, before entering the kitchen as if he owned the place- which frankly enough, he did. Having been the closest to the door, Tonks had been tasked with seeing who was at the door...though really, it should have been obvious who it was, as any other order member would have just barged in, and Harry was the only other person in the house. As such, she was standing just far enough away not to get smacked in the face when it swung open to admit the owner of the house.

"Tonks!" Harry cried, before running up to the slightly older witch, and wrapping her up in a tight hug. What happened next caused her face to burn a bright red. "Oh come on, cousin. Give us something for a proper-like snuggle." Harry grinned innocently from her bosom- where he'd quitely blatantly snuggled- as he angled his head just a bit to see Tonks' bright red face. Her narrowed eyes, almost made him let go.

"That better?" Tonks asked as her bust area shifted, earning a severe frown from Harry.

"You're evil, you know that?" Harry muttered from the depths of Tonks' replica of Molly Weasley's freckled bosom. Now while Harry was as fond of big breasts as much as the next bloke, Mrs. Weasley had mythical mum boobs. Unfortunately, mum boobs weren't exactly what a bloke wanted to snuggle against when they were hugged up with a hot witch, and didn't need that mummy hug. "Pure evil."

No one moved or made a sound as Harry disengaged the young auror, and went about fixing himself something to eat. They waited quietly and patiently while Harry did his business, hoping that once he'd finished fixing his meal, he'd leave so they could continue. Dumbledore had a feeling that things wouldn't be that easy. Harry was rebelling, and hadn't taken his earlier actions very well. Therefore, he decided to just continue on with the meeting. After all, it wasn't like Harry wasn't going to be given the details of the meeting in a few days anyway.

Dumbledore tried to get the meeting back in swing, but Harry sitting at the opposite end of the table of Dumbledore was certainly a elephant in the room. It certainly made for an awkward atmosphere, but still, no one said a word. They had remembered that _Harry_ had allowed them the use of his home for their headquarters, as well as the rules and conditions regarding their use. Most of them liked or respected Harry enough that they were willing to agree, and most of the others had decided to go along with it as a respectful gesture as guests in another person's home. There was one person, however, who refused to do so.

Normally, Severus Snape- while horribly biased- could be a very sure-minded and logical individual. Sadly, when involved in anything dealing with Potters, a red mist seemed to descend over his head, and all reason and common sense just seemed to vacate his person. While he would have been willing to respect the rules of another person's home- as he had a fair few in regards to his own- he refused to be dictated to by not only an arrogant brat, not only an arrogant Gryffindor brat, but especially not the spoiled, arrogant, Gryffindor, spawn of James Potter.

Giving his most potent sneer, the one that always seemed to bother the brat the most, Snape spat. "Your presence is not wanted or needed here, Potter. Please do us all a favor and leave."

Unfortunately, getting laid had made Snape's attitude seem rather childish and petty. It certainly helped him keep his cool when responding to the man's barbs. "Actually, it's _your_ presence that is being reluctantly tolerated in _my_ home, professor. If you- or anyone else, for that matter- have a problem with my house rules, you're more than welcome to make yourselves scarce."

"You arrogant little-" Snape was quickly cut off by a very stern Dumbledore.

"Severus-" The man's mouth snapped shut. "-remember that we are guests in Mr. Potter's home. As such, we must abide by his rules, just the same as you would expect of guests in your own home."

Snape's menacing black eyes shot to Potter, expecting the arrogant brat to be giving him a look of smug satisfaction. To his astonishment, the boy wasn't paying him the slightest attention, but had returned to his paltry meal. To his own great surprise, Severus Snape didn't know which scenario would have bothered him more. Potter's smug look as he was chastized by the headmaster, or the current scenario featuring Potter ignoring him as if he wasn't there, or was too insignificant to bother acknowledging. With a vicious sneer, Snape resolved to avenge the insult during the school year where the boy couldn't fight back. He would take great joy in tormenting the brat, and making him suffer in his 'favorite class' as soon as Dumbledore conned Slughorn into returning.

Eventually, the Order was able to continue their meeting despite Harry's presence. It helped that Harry didn't feel the need to impose himself or his opinions upon them...even if he had come up with several different- and most of them better- alternatives to what the Order came up with. Seriously, some of the shadowing and guard plans they came up with were unnecessarily complicated, much like their plan to bring him to headquarters the year before when he thought about it.

Why didn't they just portkey him somewhere, go a bit aways under disillusionment, and apparate to where Grimmauld Place was? Flying the way they had would have given them plenty of time to pick up a tail, and regardless of the numerous switching of directions, and persistent tail would have easily been able to follow them. Not to mention, all of the floo calls and travel, plus the Order members portkeying and apparating to and from Grimmauld Place, it's not as if moving Harry the same way would have made much of a difference.

As luck would have it, Harry's next chance to make a nuisance of himself came after the meeting was over. While Harry actually liked Tonks, and didn't want to do this at her expense, she was the only person who might play along with the joke, and honestly, he couldn't just let that prank with the Molly boobs stand. Harry didn't know why she'd been leaning over, but aside from appreciating the rather spectacular view, this was almsot like a sign from the heavens. It was almost as if the woman's amazingly delectable rump- something that he was starting to think came standard on Black women- was sitting there screaming, 'smack me, I know you want to'. And Harry really did want to. Drawing his arm back to get some torque behind it, he swung forward.

Whack! ...came the sound of Harry's hand colliding with Tonks' behind, followed by a firm squeeze of the amazingly firm, yet still fairly pliable tush meat. Did he mention before just how bloody amazing her arse was, and how spectacular arses had to have been genetic. Given how famulous Bella and Cissa's bottoms were, he was fairly certain that the Blacks married their cousins not for the purity of their blood, but to ensure that the gorgeous booties prevalent in their witches bred true.

"Brilliant!" Harry whispered in awe as he gave Tonks' beautiful behind another molesting squeeze.

Hair and eyes flashing red, Tonks turned to Harry. "Harry, did you just smack and squeeze me on the arse?"

"Yep." He replied easily, giving her a moments pause. "I wasn't allowed to bring Narcissa with me because no one trusts her. Since I'm being isolated from my friends again, and I'm gonna die from boredom soon enough anyway, I figure I may as well go out on my own terms; maybe get a little happiness out of it too. Hell, I would have snuck up behind you, and grabbed your boobs while grinding my winky into your delightful derriere, but I figured that might have been a little overboard, and rather than kill me quick, you'd have probably drawn it out painfully. By the way, you have a really, _really_, _**really**_ spectacular arse."

Not really sure how to respond, Tonks just turned, and walked out of the kitchen. Turning back to the other Order members, who were still loitering in his kitchen for some reason even if the meeting had been over for nearly twenty minutes, Harry shrugged.

"Well bugger, I think I might have shorted out her brain." Harry said addressing them. Giving the other female Order members a devil may care grin, he asked. "So which of you lovely ladies' bum does a bloke have to smack to get brutally, but swiftly, murdered around here?"

While Harry was down in the kitchen trying to convince one of the women to give him a free swing at their rumps, Tonks had left the kitchen, and headed straight to the library where she knew Remus was. Upon reaching it, she locked the doors, cast several privacy charms, and sat in Remus' lap.

"Don't talk, just listen." She ordered, seeing him about to protest. "Getting spanked is a serious, and I mean extremely serious turn on for me. Now, while I'm sure he just did it to be an annoyance, it doesn't change the fact that when Harry smacked me on the bum a few minutes ago, it jump started my engine, and now I'm horny as all get up. This is your last and only warning. Either shag me right here and now, or I'm going to drag Harry off and find out for myself what my aunt has been bragging about."

It should be pretty obvious what Remus' decision was. Yep, you guessed it. Harry had a hot night with a sexy Metamorphmagus. Luckily for a certain wolf, insanely brilliant, amazing sex wasn't enough to change Tonks' mind about pursuing him. Though to be honest, it was more than likely Harry's comment of 'finding a way to get her mum in the sac to complete the set' that worked in Moony's favor. Otherwise, it was very possible that he'd have had three out of the last four living Black females- well, the ones that people were most familiar with anyway.

888888

August 10

Early the next morning, as he, a severely blushing in embarrassment Tonks, and Remus ate a hearty breakfast prepared by Harry- Molly had brought some stuff for the cooler and pantry with her the evening before, before reminding Remus to go grocery shopping since Harry wasn't supposed to leave the safety of the house- the floo activated, and Molly's voice came through.

"Harry dear?" She called. "Have you eaten, yet?"

"Yes, Mrs. Weasley." Harry replied. "I actually made breakfast this morning. Thanks her for the groceries, by the way. Remus is heading out to the grocer after he finishes his breakfast."

"That's good, dear, you really are too thin." She said. "Hermione wished me to tell you that she, Ron, and Ginny will be through after they finish their own breakfasts."

Less than a half hour later, Hermione came out of the fireplace, homed in on Harry, and all but tackled him as she hugged him like she hadn't just seen him two days ago. Ginny comes through shortly after, and rolled her eyes at the Atomic Hug- as she'd come to call Hermione's hugs for Harry.

"Hey Harry, Ron will be through once he's done eating," Both grinned, knowing that with his appetite, that could be awhile. "You know, I kind of wish I wasn't dating Dean right now."

"Oh?" Harry asked.

Ginny gave him a mischievous grin. "Since mum has decided to allow us a measure of independence," Although really, she only allowed them to join him there since Remus- whose a responsible adult she can trust- and Tonks will be there to chaperone, and keep them out of trouble, "-this would be the perfect chance to snog the life out of you without having to worry about my mother interrupting. It certainly would have made for a a spectacular birthday gift."

"I guess it's too bad that you are dating, as I'd have certainly been happy to give you a steamy birthday snog." Harry teased her.

"What about your girlfriends?" She teasingly replied. "Are you sure they'd be okay with you snogging another woman?"

"Have you forgotten what Narcissa had me write in one of those letters?" Harry reminded her. "I'm fairly certain that they'd have been encouraging me to snog both you and Hermione, and would have probably tried to convince me to completely seduce you."

"Right...ahem, anyway," Ginny stutterd, deciding to change the subject before she was tempted to cheat on her boyfriend. "-mum wanted me to remind you to eat three square meals, and to even cook for, and feed you, if necessary."

"Don't tell me she's recruiting help, now." Harry groaned.

"Yep, I've been deputized since she isn't coming to stay." Ginny revealed. "She'll be here for Order meetings and for the evening of my birthday, but she's decided to allow us some independence like I said before.

"Are you sure?" Harry asked. "I don't mind if she, Arthur, Bill, and Fleur join us too."

"I think she just wants the chance to have dad mostly alone." Ginny said, before shuddering. "I think your letters to the Order this summer might have reawakened her libido, and she decided to get rid of us, so that she and dad have full use of the house for their naughty business. Even if it is at the expense of giving Bill and Fleur time to mess around."

"Okay, that was information about your parents that I really didn't need to know." Harry muttered, before turning to the witch still clutching him, and teasing. "You plan on letting go anytime soon?"

"Sorry, but it feels really nice having you hug back like this." Hermione admitted, letting go.

"It's okay, I have to admit your hugs are a bit addictive too." He then turned a grin on the two witches. "So, who wants to learn Occlumency?"

Both witches stared at him in shock before Hermione asked the pertinent question. "When did you learn? How did you learn? Who taught you? I thought that Snape's lessons opened your mind up more."

"I learned it and Leglimency from Voldemort this summer. I learned via the link from the scar, and they did. He even told me that whoever taught me should be gelded, because to get the damage my natural shields were in, I would have had to be repeatedly assaulted by a violent and brutal Leglimency attack."

"Wait, so you can read our minds now?" Hermione asked with a gasp.

"No, I'm not so great with passive Leglimency yet." Harry admitted. "I can really only do active Leglimency, but I can tell when someone is lying to me, now."

"Okay, but promise that you won't go delving into thoughts and memories all willy nilly." Hermione said, knowing there were some thoughts and memories- especially recent ones- that she didn't want him seeing.

"I won't." Harry agreed. "We'll start with something simple, like helping you clear your mind of distracting thoughts. Then we'll start on organizing your mind so that only you know your way around. Then we'll work on shields to protect from passive intrusions like Snape is so fond of. And before you ask, yes, it is illegal, and why he's always trying to glare people in the eyes."

When Ron showed up half an hour later, and found Hermione and Ginny sitting on the floor in the library- apparently sleeping while sitting up- he asked what was going on. Upon finding out that Harry was teaching them Occlumency, he'd decided that extra summer work wasn't something he wanted a part of. His mind changed when Harry mentioned that Snape liked to venture into people's minds. Ten minutes later found Ron sitting on the floor with the other two. When the lesson ended for the day, it turned out that Ron had had a much easier time of clearing his mind than the other two. Ginny of course had teased her brother saying that it was easy to clear ones mind when there was nothing up there to begin with.

The four teens spent the day together, enjoying each other's company, and even teasing or hinting at what Ginny might be getting for her birthday. While it wouldn't be a big affair, they were still planning- or at leas Molly was- on having a party at headquarters for family and friends; namely Neville and Luna in the latter category. It was a good day, with a nice cheery atmosphere despite the dreary townhouse, with an anticipation of the next day. That cheer was dwindled in the face of Pig showing up with a letter for Ginny. That letter was to inform them that her birthday get together would either have to be postponed until later that evening, or canceled outright, because Dumbledore wanted to have an Order meeting.

The glare that came across Harry's face caused the other three teens to wince.

"Who does that geriatric think he is, deciding to just cancel your birthday so he can have his meeting?" Harry asked. "With all the rooms in the house, we could easily do both. Not only that, but I highly doubt that the meeting is all that important that it can't be postponed, since it's not even an emergency meeting."

"It's okay Harry," Ginny said, even though her disappointment was obvious. "-I understand."

"No, we're having your party, the Order can go bugger itself for all I care." Harry replied. "I told Dumbledore from the start that I would allow him to use the kitchen for Order meetings, but I made it clear that I wouldn't tolerate him trying to take over the house like he owned it the way he'd done with Sirius."

"Harry, I don't like that look." Hermione said. "You're not going to do something crazy, are you?"

The smile he gave her, she liked even less.

O_O

August 11

"Harry James Potter, put some clothes on!" Hermione exclaimed early the next morning, her face red as a cherry upon Harry exiting his room wearing absolutely nothing but a grin.

"No, I don't think I will. I'm in my own home, and it's Ginny's birthday, so I'm wearing my bloody birthday suit. Besides, I'm not about to let Dumbledore ruin Ginny's birthday party by swarming the house with Order members for a meeting." Hermione frowned at his language, but didn't bother correcting him.

Not that she wasn't inclined to do so, but she was far more distracted by Harry's state of undress. Seeing Harry in the buff was bringing back memories of a particular dream she'd been having about him ever since a certain letter had arrived. Darn him, and his mention of whip cream bikinis, and now that she had seen him naked, said dream was only likely to get even more vivid since she now had accurate visuals to work with. It certainly didn't help matters that just half an hour after she'd arrived at Grimmauld Place after her work shift, Tonks had approached her, pulled her aside, and strongly suggested that she marry Harry. Nor did it help that Harry's rather huge willy was dangling very teasingly less than a meter in front of her, and she was having to strongly resist the urge to reach out and grasp it.

"My nudity doesn't bother you, does it Hermione?" She almost glared at him hearing the blatantly teasing tone to his voice.

"Of course not," She bluffed. "Nothing I haven't seen before." Although admittedly, what she'd seen had been her little cousin who was going through his toddler nudist phase, and was no where near the size of Harry's. Apparently the need for Granger toddlers to remove all of ones clothing, and parade around in the buff was something of a tradition. She'd been horrified to learn that the length of her nudist phase had lasted longer than any other Granger save her great uncle Clifford, who eventually joined a nudist colony.

"Oh really? Do tell." Hermione blushed.

"It's none of your business." She said. "Besides, you should be more worried about what Ginny and Ron will do when they see you."

"I plan on asking Moony to charm me so that he, Tonks, you, Ron, and Ginny won't see anything." Harry said.

"I doubt Ginny will want you to." Hermione joked. "She'll probably consider it a spectacular birthday present, and ask you to stay like that the whole day."

When the two teens arrived at the kitchen, they were surprised to find that Remus was the only one awake. As a matter of fact, he didn't seem to have even been to bed. Looking up from his cup of tea with bloodshot eyes, he gave a tired smile.

"Morning Harry." Immediately upon seeing Harry, he woke and was alert. "Is there a particular reason you're walking around naked?"

"I figure this is a pretty good birthday present for Ginny- arrogant as that sounds." Harry said. Hermione just rolled her eyes, as she went and got herself a cup, before sitting, and pouring herself some tea. She noticed that she'd been doing that a lot recently, and nearly every time had been caused by Harry Potter.

"You know that Molly is going to throw a fit." Remus said.

"Which is why I plan on being dressed by the time she and Mr. Weasley get here." Harry said. "Also, I need your help with a prank on the Order."

"What kind of prank?" Remus asked, his inner Marauder curious despite having been suppressed as he'd gotten older.

"Well, I'm pretty sure the Order doesn't want to see me naked, so if they're going to impose themselves upon my home for a meeting that ruins Ginny's birthday party, then they'll just have to deal with seeing me in the buff. Given how stuffy most of them are, I doubt that they'll be able to ignore me being like this."

"That's certainly true."

"That's why I was hoping that you could charm my clothes so that only certain people would be able to see through them."

"And everyone else would be seeing you bare." Remus said. "Who all are you planning on keying into your prank; certainly myself I hope."

"Aside from Mr. and Mrs. Weasley, there's you, the twins, Ron, and then Hermione, Tonks, and Ginny if they want to." Sitting next to Harry with her teacup hovering near her mouth, Hermione wasn't sure whether she wanted to be keyed in, or if she wanted to enjoy the next several hours of Harry's nudity. "For now though, I was wondering if you could Charm me so that only girls could see me Full Monty. Don't think Ron really wants to see the goods."

"You're probably right." Remus said, grinning at the blushing Hermione, as he cast the necessary magic. Thinking back on a night over a decade ago, just a few weeks before the attack. Lily had been changing Harry's nappie, and made rather amusing comments to her son. While he wasn't sure how much of it was the Potter family curse, and how much of it was Lily's 'awesome genetics', she'd been right that he would be packing.

"Well, I'll get started on breakfast." Harry said. "Now where's that apron; because I certainly don't want any accidents."

Half an hour later, the smells of bacon, sausages, eggs, and hashbrowns brought two bleary eyed redheads down the stairs Because his focus was solely on filling his belly, he completely missed a rather glaring fact as he piled his plate. Ginny, on the other hand, didn't. Her eyes immediately focused on Harry, and his state of undress, hidden only by the apron that he was still wearing as he brought the food to the table. Her mouth hung open in a state of shock, and her face rapidly turned red at what was only just hidden beneath the apron.

"Morning you two, Happy Birthday Gin." Harry said as he removed the apron, and took his sweet time moving to the table. Without any input from her brain, Ginny's eyes followed Harry across the until he sat down at the table. "You planning on eating, or are you just going to stand there drooling."

Embarrassed by her reaction, though really it was understandable, Ginny wiped the dribble from her chin, and hurried to the seat next to Hermione. It wasn't surprising that this seat, and the one next to it gave a clear view of Harry. Ginny had never been more happy for the presence of a dressing gown, as one of her reactions to Harry's nakedness would have been plainly visible.

It wasn't until after breakfast that Harry's nakedness was mentioned again. Noticing that everyone was pretty much finished- even Ron had slowed down to casually munching on a piece of bacon- Harry stood and gave a stretch, putting all of his forward charms on display. Ginny stared wide eyed at Harry for several moments, before bolting from the table. She wouldn't be seen again for another two hours, when she came back down showered, dressed, and still slightly flushed. While she wouldn't have such a strong reaction again, she did make a point to be wherever Harry was as much as possible, and made no effort to hide the fact that she was staring when she did.

Hermione, who was also getting herself an eyeful, licked her suddenly dry lips, before blushing, and looking away. Harry was certainly making it difficult to stick with Ron as her chosen partner, or at the very least remain on the fence. Ignoring the sight to his left, Remus instead took a fair amount of amusement from the two girls' reactions. Ron on the other hand... With a full belly, Ron Weasley was now awake and alert; which meant he was focused enough to notice how Harry was dressed- or rather, not dressed.

"Harry, are you naked?" He asked.

"Yup."

"Why are you naked?" Ron asked, his eyes flashing quickly to Hermione to see how she was being affected, and he didn't like the deep red he could see on her cheeks.

"I need to get used to being naked in front of people," Harry answered smoothly. "Since the Order thinks they can come and force their presence on us, and ruin Ginny's birthday and party, I'm going to ruin their meeting by forcing my naked presence on them."

Ron's eyes narrowed for a moment, before he just shrugged. "Long as I don't have to see your bits. Though you might want to cover up before mum gets here. She's not going to be so forgiving about you being naked in front of Gin."

"Moony and I have got that covered." Harry said. And with that, Harry's naked day began. Later, Ginny would confess to Harry that she'd thoroughly enjoyed her birthday present, and that it had been the single best birthday she'd had to date.

888

Hours later, just a few minutes before the Order was to arrive, Harry went to his room to put his clothes on. Upon finishing dressing, he sought out his partner in crime for the prank, and they began casting the necessary spells. Harry made sure to key in Mr. and Mrs. Weasley, as well as Remus, Tonks (at her own request), as well as Ron. It was fairly obvious that Ginny didn't want to be keyed in. So long as she looked but didn't touch, then she didn't feel like Dean would mind. To Harry's surprise, Hermione decided not to be keyed in as well. Harry accepted her argument that she'd already gone through most of the whole day with him naked, and it was pointless to do so now.

Just as they'd finished, the various Weasleys arrived. Molly immediately sought Harry out, but found herself distracted by the decorations created by Dobby. The first members to arrive for the meeting were actually Bill and Fleur. Upon entering the room, the pair found Harry standing at a table laden with food and treats. Hearing the door to the kitchen open, Harry turned to address the newcomers, and found Bill and Fleur entering. The young woman- whose attention had been on her future husband- turned to their host, and immediately froze upon seeing Harry.

"Mon Dieu!" She exclaimed in a loud, yet somehow breathy voice. Almost as if a switch had been fllipped, Fleur's breathing became increasingly heavy until she panting. As she stared at Harry, her eyes began flashing with lust, her arousal ignited and rapidly increased to dangerous levels, and she starting to lose control of her alluring aura- her Veela side was very interested in what she was seeing, her fiance be damned. Realizing the thought that had just run through her mind, Fleur regained some of her composure, but knew that in her current condition, she needed to release these pent up desires, and soon. Turning to her husband-to-be, she gave him a piercing stare.

"I do not care about what you muzzer thinks, or about propriety; I will 'ave you now."

"But Fleur, what about the meeting, Ginny's birthday?" Bill asked.

Fixing a lustfully fiery glare onto her love, the French quarter Veela growled. "William, I will 'ave you, or 'arry will replace you until my desires 'ave been satisfied. Take your peeck."

Turning to the home's owner, Bill questioned. "Harry, a room please."

Harry couldn't help the grin that alighted his face. When faced with such a choice, the answer really was obvious. "Second floor, any of the first three rooms on the right side of the landing. Make sure you put up some privacy charms, and clean up after yourselves. Regardless of their disposition, I wouldn't want to impose that kind of mess on poor Kreacher."

Nodding, Bill pulled a package from his robes, and handed it to Harry. "Ginny's gift, make sure she gets it." And less than a second later he was being dragged up the stairs by a randy witch. As it would happen, they shoved roughly past someone on their way up the stairs.

"Geez, what's their hurry?" Tonks groused.

"I might have forgotten about Bill and Fleur when we were keying people into the prank." Harry admitted.

"Let me guess, she saw you trouser basilisk, her kinky inner-Veela reacted, and now Bill's gonna get his brains shagged out?"

"Pretty much." Harry shook his head. "I mean really, you'd think she'd never seen a large penis before."

"How do you know she's had any experience at all?" Tonks admonished. "You shouldn't assume. Besides, even if she has, it's possible she's never seen one that big before. Seriously, you're huge even by pornstar standards."

However Harry may have answered, would go unknown, as Molly Weasley found her way to the kitchen. She stopped short upon seeing the veritable feast set on the table. Kreacher had really outdone himself, and Harry couldn't help thinking that maybe he'd underestimated the elf. When they got to the sitting room where Dobby had set up the decorations for Ginny's party, they'd find that he'd done the same. Shocked beyond belief, she pulled Harry into a hug, and thanked him. She'd not had the chance to prepare anything since she'd been told by Dumbledore that they'd not be able to have a party due to the Order meeting that evening.

"This is amazing Harry, but you do realize that the Order will need this space." Mrs. Weasley said.

"Mrs. Weasley, Dumbledore and I have an arrangement where he's supposed to let me know when he needs to use my facilities for his meetings." A voice suddenly sounded from the doorway.

"That is true, unless there was an emergency." Dumbledore said. "We seem to be in the midst of one of those. Ah, a very lovely spread you have here, Harry. You needn't have done so on our account."

"I didn't, this is for Ginny's party." Harry said. "Your group has half an hour to deal with your emergency, then you have to go, because I'll not be postponing the party any longer than that."

"Don't mind us, Harry." Dumbledore said.

"I hope you don't mind me sitting in on the meeting, because frankly I don't trust your people not to help themselves, and some of this can't be taken up stairs until later."

Dumbledore didn't look like he wanted to, but he did remember that he was borrowing someone else's home, and that the terms he'd agreed to were reasonable enough that he couldn't really complain. Finally, he nodded his agreement.

To Harry's surprise, the meeting actually had been an emergency; enough of one that they didn't even bother trying to hide it from him. Feeling sort of guilty, Harry decided to have Tonks remove the spellwork on his clothes before the others showed up. Apparently, Emmeline Vance had gone missing from her home almost two weeks ago, and no one had known about it since she'd been taking some vacation time, so hadn't been expected at work. While there were the obvious signs of a struggle, Death Eaters weren't responsible for it. For one, Snape had confirmed that the only mission assigned at the meeting the night before the attack had been the hit on Dolores Umbridge; and for two, there wasn't a Dark Mark above her home.

Emmeline had showed up the morning before at Saint Mungo's with a broken arm, what looked to have been a mild, but recently healed concussion, and some deep tissue bruising. She'd been the victim of a robbery, but the surprising thing had been what they were after. To her, as well as everyone else's shock, they'd only been after her recliner. Sixteen minutes after it started, the meeting broke up, with Dumbledore instructing everyone to keep their ears open for information.

The meeting taken care of, those that had been invited began heading up to the sitting room where the party was to commence. Those that hadn't been found themselves slightly disappointed that they'd be missing out on the great eats that were sitting tantalizingly on the table in front of them.

The party itself was a bit subdued, but only because given the present company, there really wasn't much risk of hijinx aside from the twins. That's not to say it was dull. The party was still a lively affair for a family get together, and everyone enjoyed themselves. Ginny even smiled a little smile knowing that because of Remus' spells, she was now the only one who could see _all_ of Harry as part of her birthday gift. And speaking of gifts, after cutting the cake, and a rousing rendition of singing Happy Birthday, it was time to open presents.

Ginny found herself with a rather nice haul that year. Her parents, Bill, and Charlie had all chipped in to buy her a top of the line Chaser broom. Given that she planned to try out for one of the recently opened Chaser slots on the Quidditch team that year, it was definitely a great gift. She'd also gotten a charming necklace from Bill and Fleur that held a small scarab pendant. Little did she know the amount of work her future sister-in-law had but into that pendant. It was charmed out the wazoo to protect against theft, and even minor jinxes up to, and including, the Stunning Spell.

Fred and George had gifted her a small bundle of fur that had their mother nearly spitting vitriol. Apparently, illegal breeding of creatures was a capital offense. Luckily, they'd been smart enough to procure a license before creating what they'd called Pigmy Puffs. Ginny named the little purple furball Arnold. From Harry- aside from getting to see him naked all day- she got a coupon for Quality Quidditch Supplies. With that, she'd be able to afford new pads for if she made the team. Hermione gave her a book on hexes to complement her devastating Bat Bogey. Even Ron had saved up some pocket change, and gotten his sister a small block of her favorite fudge from Honeydukes. Thankfully, she happened to prefer the inexpensive kind.

She'd also received gifts from three highly unexpected sources; sources that put much of the group on edge. Ginny was entirely surprised that she got a gift from Narcissa and Bellatrix, and another from Voldemort of all people. They'd been even more alarmed, when Dobby informed them of the elf who'd popped in to deliver the two gifts while everyone was in the midst of celebrating. Once Bill had confirmed that none of it was hexed or charmed in anyway, she was allowed to open the two gifts. Once Ginny opened her gifts, Molly Weasley was spitting vitriol at another gift her daughter received, but for an entirely different reason.

From Harry's two older girlfriends- and as an apology for the diary Lucius had slipped her four years prior- Ginny received a Wedding Night Kit. Her face went redder than a fire engine when she saw what was inside the box, and realized that it was indeed a full kit; complete with stamina and contraceptive potions under stasis, as well as some sexy lingerie, and a gauzy, negligee. It was obvious who'd actually picked out the garments, because they all seemed to perfectly accentuate her petite, pale features, and didn't clash at all with her hair color.

She'd also received- to everyone's shock- a gift from Voldemort himself. As an apology for what his diary had done to her- and him admitting that he understood how much of a twat he'd been at 16 was shocking in itself- he'd somehow procured a league standard Quaffle signed by all the Holyhead players- though no one wanted to wager a guess as to how he'd pulled that off. Surprisingly enough, aside from the broom, and seeing Harry naked, Voldemort's gift was one of her favorites.

Once she'd calmed down from seeing the two gifts, Molly couldn't help remembering a comment that Harry had made to the headmaster. "Corrupting influence, indeed."

O_O

August 12

The Twelth of August found Harry taking away from his friends to meet with Albus Dumbledore and Mundungus Fletcher. In all honesty, Harry didn't want the foul smelling man in his house, and the real reason he'd required Dung to return everything he'd stolen before being allowed back in was in the hopes that he wouldn't be able to pull it off. Unfortunately, and Kreacher had even confirmed it, Dung had indeed been able to find and reacquire everything that he'd stolen. About the only consolation he'd gotten was that it had cost the drunken thief a pretty penny to do so, far more than what he'd made off the stuff in the first place.

Now he was in a meeting with the Dumbledore and his thief discussing the terms by with Dung would be allowed in the house for meetings- Harry sporting a Bubblehead Charm courtesy of Dumbledore. Deciding that Dung had at least fulfilled his end of the bargain, Harry figured he'd allow the man access, but it would be very restricted access, regardless of what Dumbledore wanted. As a matter of fact, mybe he'd extend this restriction to the entire Order.

"Alright sir, I'll grant Dung access for meetings, but there are going to be a few conditions." Harry informed them. Seeing the frown on Dung's face, he knew he was doing the smart thing. "First, you are to go straight from the front door, to the meeting area in the kitchen. You are not to stray anywhere else; absolutely no side trips for any reason. If you have to use the bathroom, then either hold it, or go before you get here. Second, you will not take anything from the house that you did not enter it with. Just so you know, the house will be warded to alert me if he- or anyone from the Order- does happen to do so; so no borrowing things without my permission."

"Now Harry, is that really necessary?" Dumbledore asked. "Do you trust us so little?"

"Yes it is, as he's already proven, and sadly no I do not trust you as much as I'd like to." Harry admitted. "You've dropped the ball as it pertains to me more times than I'm comfortable with. Not only that, but you implicitly trust two people that I absolutely do not, which makes me call into question you decision making. Now, I won't have you followed, because you're adults, and you should know better." Harry said. "I'm going to trust both you and Dumbledore to abide by my rules; if you can't, then the Order will be evicted permanently."

"Now Harry-"

"I've already discussed this with you sir," Harry told him. "I'm not going to be run roughshod over in my own house. You should consider yourselves lucky that I'm going about it this way. There are anti-theft wards on this house that are pursuant to the Code of Hammurabi, if you'd prefer I activate them instead."

"No, that won't be necessary Keep your people- Snape and Dung especially- on a short leash, and make sure to remember that you are guests in someone else's home."

O_O

August 13

It was ironic in an 'I told you so' way that Harry was forced to evict the Order from Grimmauld Place the very next day. He didn't know whether Dung didn't believe him, or if it was because Dung believed that Dumbledore would deal with any consequences for him, but the kleptomaniac just couldn't follow the rules. Less than a minute after the meeting ended, Dung strayed off the allowed path, and tried to sneak into a room that held several pieces of valuable knick knacks.

Of course, that was simply the straw that broke the camel's back, as Snape's behavior that evening had already pushed Harry to evicting at the very least the Order's 'spy'. He didn't know whether Snape simply thought he was just that important, and could do no wrong. Maybe he figured that the rules didn't apply to him; that he didn't have to abide by the rules of someone else's home. Or maybe he'd just gotten so used to Dumbledore stepping in and fixing the problems his social incompetence brought about that he truly felt he was above such concerns. Whatever the reason was, Snape seemed convinced that he could get away with disrespecting other people- in their own home at that- without any consequences.

Bugger that!

Still, Harry wasn't going to sink to Snape's level. He was going to take the adult approach to situations like this. Harry held his anger in check, allowing the arrogant bully to think he'd won. However, as soon as the last Order member left for the evening, he ordered Kreacher to clamp down on the wards, and to bar everyone from the house except the two of them, Hermione, Ron, Ginny, Harry, and Remus as their chaperone.

Hermione almost had a conniption at first, until Harry pointed out the deal he'd made with Dumbledore, and how the Order had violated the terms of its tenancy. Ginny and Remus appealing to the growing rebellious side of her that had finally started kicking in the last year certainly didn't help. Much as she didn't want to, she had to admit that she was having fun. This much more mellowed Harry seemed to enjoy life more, and that was certainly having an effect on her, Professor Lupin, Ron, and Ginny too.

O_O

August 14

A day later, Harry had sent out four letters. The first was to Tonks, letting her know that she still had access to the house just because he liked her. Two other letters had been sent as invites to Luna and Neville to join them at the townhouse. Hedwig must have been making some very good time, because Tonks, Neville, and Luna arrived at the same time. From the upstairs window, he was able to convince Tonks to escort the two teens in. While Luna could only stay for a couple days, and Neville for a week, they still had plans to make the best of their time together.

The final letter that he'd sent out didn't get as fast a response. He'd sent word to Narcissa to join him at Grimmauld Place, with the possible option of Potions tutoring for himself, Neville, and maybe Ron if they could convince him to join. While that had been his stated reason, the unspoken reason was fairly obvious to everyone who learned of the missive.

Hermione almost had another conniption when she first learned Harry had invited Narcissa to Grimmauld Place. It was also pointed out to her by Ron, that Harry was a lot more easy going, and more like himself than he'd been since his had come out of the Goblet fourth year. Not to mention Harry appealing to her inner geek by mentioning Narcissa's proficiency with Runes and Potions, and how far along she'd gotten him in just over a week of tutoring.

He'd also done a fair bit of distraction by mentioning that with the initial exercises down, they were ready to start actual Occlumency, and that if they got that down, some rudimentary wandless magic. It helped that Remus, Neville, and Luna already had some training- Remus for the wolf within, Neville as an heir, and Luna to help deal with her mother's death- so everyone was about at the same level. Luna did mention that the methods Harry was using was different than the one she'd learned, and seemed more effective than just blocking things out.

"Okay, first things first, Occlumency is not about clearing the mind, erasing ones emotions, or even protecting the mind with barriers and shields. While it's good to have the latter to ward off a passive probe- such as Snape and the Headmaster are fond of- true Occlumency is arranging your mind in such a way that only you could navigate it. It's also good to have some kind of test or riddle as part of the design. One that only you would would be able to figure out."

And with that, the true lesson began, and everyone was actually surprised at how easy this method was. The only thing really hampering them was their level of creativity. It should have come as no surprise that Luna's maze was the most effective of the bunch. Remus would later remark that locking the inner wolf up in a cage deep inside his maze made the transformations easier on him.

888

It was about seven that evening when several pops were heard outside of Grimmauld Place. Kreacher, who'd been keeping an eye out, interrupted the rather rousing game of Stinger Havoc, to inform Harry that the Order had arrived. As he headed to the front room to watch out the window- instructing them to keep practicing while he saw to whoever was at the door- Harry grinned at the progress that was being made by his friends. Having learned from a very competent teacher, Harry had mastered the basics of wandless magic that every witch and wizard, with enough effort and training, could learn.

Hermione's declaration that Harry was a good teacher- as if the Defense OWLs and NEWTs for the previous year hadn't proved it- was proven yet again. Not only was Harry a good teacher, but when teaching students who proved to be fast and enthusiastic learners, they'd picked up the basics fairly quickly. It also didn't hurt that Harry had turned their practices of the new skills into a game of sorts that everyone greatly enjoyed. By the end of the summer, the group would have five spells down wandlessly: the Stinging Charm, Lumos, Nox, the Levitation Charm, and the Summoning Charm. Harry would have those, as well as the Banishing and Drying Charms.

Harry was brought from his thoughts when Dumbledore walked up the steps, only to find himself forcefully ejected from the property. Of course, given that his intent wasn't to hurt the Order members, the old mage stopped midair, and was deposited gently on the ground. Several more Order members tried to enter as well, meeting similar fates. The twins- quite enjoying the ride- ran up the steps at least three times apiece, hurling themselves at the building, before being stopped by their mother. Much as Harry wanted to taunt the group, he felt it would be childish, so decided to head back to his friends.

About a half hour later, the teens were relaxing after a fun day. Since Moony had volunteered to cook, Harry didn't have to move until they were called down to the kitchen. Suddenly, the room was filled with Phoenix Song, before there was a flash of fire, heralding the arrival of Dumbledore's familiar. The bird glided gracefully around the room, before landing on the couch arm nearest Harry.

"Goodness gracious, great balls of fire~!" Luna sing-songed, causing Hermione and Harry to snicker in amusement.

"Hullo Fawkes, how are you?" The phoenix trilled a few notes that gave them all warm tingly feelings in their bellies, before holding dropping the folded up piece of parchment held in his beak. Harry going to ask whether a reply was expected, but the look given to him seemed to convey the message, 'I'll wait.'. Unfolding the parchment, Harry read the delivered note.

_Harry,_

_It seems as if we have been barred from accessing Grimmauld Place again. If it's not too much trouble, would you mind letting us in?_

_Albus Dumbledore_

Exhausted from the days activities, and feeling just a bit lethargic, Harry called for Kreacher to bring him some writing supplies, completely ignoring the frown on Hermione's face. He'd deal with that later, but right now, he just didn't feel like moving. Taking a moments to thinking about what he wanted to say, and how he wanted to say it, Harry quickly wrote a reply to Dumbledore's letter. After blowing the ink dry- and making a note to try and get the Drying Charm as his next wandless trick- Harry folded the note, and passed it to Fawkes. The phoenix accepted the note, and flashed away...

888

...seconds later reappearing in the room off the Great Hall where the champions gathered after being chosen by the Goblet of Fire years before. It was here that the Order of the Phoenix had relocated after being rejected entrance by their headquarters. Snape, of course, was already passing blame onto Harry, and was for once correct in his accusations, but as usual completely off the mark as to the reason. Retrieving the note from Fawkes, Dumbledore opened the note, and quickly skimmed it, before giving a defeated sigh.

"What is it, Albus?" Molly asked, worried. While he'd quickly schooled his features into a neutral expression, anyone who knew him could tell he was angry. It wouldn't be long before they knew who and what had caused this very rare occurrence as he read the note aloud.

_Dear Order of the Capricious Canaries,_

_By now you'll have noticed that you've once again been evicted from Headquarters. If you're wondering why, you can thank Snape, Dung, and your flamboyantly dressed leader; though the latter is indirectly, so don't be too hard on him._

_Snape, for someone who likes to accuse people of being an arrogant bully, your attitude is suspiciously similar. To actually believe that you could enter into someone else's home, treat them the way you seem to enjoy treating everyone else, and expect them to just sit there and take it because Dumbledore trusts you is incredibly presumptuous. I doubt it would surprise you to learn that no one in the Order likes or trusts you, they merely tolerate your presence because Dumbledore tells them to. And since you like to insult people, and attack their self-worth to make yourself feel better, maybe I should let you in on a secret. You're a really poor spy, and Voldemort already knows that you're really __only still doing this__ because you enjoy the sadism his camp promoted. Funny how he's told me more about his plans than he has you._

_Dung, you have got to be the dumbest thief in the world. After I told you specifically that not only did I have wards to alert me of thefts, but that I would evict the Order if you tried to steal from me, you still tried to. Words don't even begin to describe how incompetent, or just slow you are. Maybe all that drinking and smoking has finally rotted what few brain cells you had left._

_Headmaster, our deal was that you would keep your members under control. Since you failed to do so, you have no one to blame- aside from Snape and Dung- but yourself. I'm sorry it's had to be this way, but I was left with no choice. I'll see you on the first of September._

_Cheerio,_

_Harry_

It shouldn't come as any surprise that several glares turned towards the two men; and for the first time, even Dumbledore's were joining them, his filled with great disappointment.

888888

August 15

"Unless you're an incredibly hot witch who plans on doing something exceptionally raunchy to me as motivation to get up, then I suggest you go away." Harry grumbled to whoever it was shaking his shoulder early the next morning.

"Well, I am an incredibly hot witch," An amused voice responded. "-but I have a boyfriend, and unfortunately, it's not you."

"Then please leave." Harry spat into his pillow.

"I do, however, have someone with me whose insisting on a nice helping of creamy protein." She said. Lifting the covers from his head, Harry found himself staring into the amused face of Ginny Weasley. A futher glance would show Narcissa standing a few feet behind her, staring at him with hungry eyes.

"Morning lover, mama wants her breakfast." Narcissa purred, climbing onto Harry's bed in a sultry manner. Her face heating up, Ginny decided to escape before they got started, and forgot that she was standing there.

Just over an hour later, the two naked lovers were cuddling in Harry's bed, when Narcissa remembered she had something for him. Reaching for the wand on the night stand, she waved it at the clothing she'd left on the floor. To Harry's surprise, an letter lifted out of her outer robe, and calmly floated over to her.

Narcissa reached out and took it as she informed him, "Your new friend asked me to deliver this to you." -before passing him the note.

Harry slipped his glasses on, and opened the note, finding it was from Tom.

_Dear Harry_

_Oh man, you missed what had to be the most amusing mother/son reunion/discussions of all time. It all started about a week ago, when Narcissa turned back up at Malfoy Manor after being missing for several days. The fact that she showed up with a recently and thoroughly shagged glow only added to the stares she was getting. Well, she goes up to Draco, and tells him that she'd learned the OWL results had come in, and questions hoow he did. Oh, you should have seen it. The little brat had the nerve to ask her where she'd been in that tone of voice he tended to use on people he considered beneath him. Narcissa was not amused._

_Never before have I been so amused by the petulant look of a teenager after she cuffed him about the head. Then in a condescending voice that had even Lucius wincing, she told his that she did not appreciate his attitude, especially after she'd gone to the trouble of requested time from her 'mission' to come and see how he did. With a look of utmost embarrassment, he went to fetch his scores. Oh, it only got better from there. When she saw them, she gave one of the most beautiful Slytherin performances I've ever seen. She gave him a smile, and I'm surprised that the boy couldn't __decipher how mocking__ a smile it was, and congratulated him on scoring more OWLs than you. Just when he was puffing up like a peacock, she slammed him down by tell him that she was disappointed, however, that your overall scores were much higher than his, especially in Defense. She then want on to taunt him saying that maybe he should have joined your Defense study group last year, rather than trying to help Umbridge get you expelled._

_Oh, the look on his face made me glad I'd mastered Occlumency, so that I can recall it whenever I like. I guess it finally clicked to him just how suspicious her knowing your OWL scores were, because his petulant scowl turned into a look of fury. I must admit, it was almost impressive. Anyway, he plasters on his best Lucius imitation, and in a voice dripping with disdain, and again questions where she'd been. Seriously, between us blokes, the evil smirk she gave the boy was likely one of the sexiest things I've ever seen, and I saw Bellatrix naked before she got tossed into Azkaban._

_When she responded, it couldn't have been anymore perfect. In the casual manner one might discuss the weather, she just shrugged, and responded that she'd spent the last week or so getting her brains shagged out by Harry Potter. She further rubbed the insult in by telling him that you'd been learning Runes during the few breaks she got from being plowed into the matress, and she was quite sure you'd score better on the OWLs than he did. I have to admit that even I'm impressed. Learning two or more years of Runes well enough in a week to score decently on the OWLs is certainly something to be proud of. Anyway, back to the story._

_Draco's reaction to this was very typical. First he screamed and raged about Narcissa cheating on his father. Then he bitched about how she could possibly cavorting with his school rival, let alone the Dark Lord's mortal enemy. I was tempted to torture him a bit for calling you my mortal enemy like you were on Dumbledore's level or something, but his bitch fit was too amusing to ruin so I let it go for the time being. Of course, afterwards, his first assignment was to clean up the stained bedding from my evening with Alecto. Granted she's not as hot as Bellatrix, but she's just as kinky, and the only other girl available in my camp who isn't a complete __trainwreck, or just shy of being born with extra toes__._

_Anyway, after all of that, he finally turned to his father- who still hasn't fully recovered from that accident I arranged for Rodolphus, that he got caught in too- and started bitching about what Lucius was going to do about it. Lucius' reply couldn't have been better scripted by the writers of Casablanca. With a completely straight look on his face, he casually informed his son that I had ordered her to take Bellatrix's place in your bed, since his aunt was still needed for various jobs. He __went on to admit he hadn't__ expected her to enjoy sleeping with you so much, but she'd always been insatiable, and he wasn't surprised that she was so enamored with someone who could actually keep up with her._

_Sadly for the entertainment value, Draco's reaction to that was not nearly as epic as it could have been. __He did look plenty angry, __but I guess he realized that orders from me weren't something to be questioned. The fact that his father didn't seem overly bothered by her new station probably helped keep his temper from flaring as well. Since the only problem with the situation that Lucius seemed to have was the level of enjoyment she was taking from her 'mission', Draco decided to leap on that nugget. With a look of contempt, you know the one Malfoy's give to their 'inferiors', he decided to insult her for enjoying keeping company with a Halfblood. I'd have been offended and tortured him until his nose bled, but I remembered that most of them didn't know I was a Halfblood myself._

_Dear lord the glare of disdain she leveled against him was worthy of being immortalized in a precious metal. Still, it was nothing compared to the incredibly insulting reply that she levied back at him. It was one of those shots that while highly insulting to a normal person, was infinitely moreso to a pureblood to whom blood and their lines were everything. Looking him dead in the eye, she called him a waste of DNA._

"You didn't!" Harry said, his eyes wide in disbelief.

"I did, but it gets even better, keep reading." Grinning, Harry did so.

_But that's not even the best part. No, that was what she said next. After __calling him a waste, __she told him that she couldn't believe of all the potential children that had come from that conception attempt, he was the one that took. That he'd gotten the job done when the rest of what was obviously a bad batch of sperm had spilled out of her, and dribbled down her thigh. Of course, your personal cumdump just refused to be left out of the fun. Apparently the Occlumency lessons she was giving to her nephew were more bothersome than __anyone had guessed__._

_Already seeing the huge tantrum the boy was about have, she couldn't help adding gasoline to the fire by accusing him of being jealous. First, she accused him of being jealous of you for being hung like a horse, and being able to shag two older, experienced women to pieces like you'd invented sex. Oh, he certainly didn't like anything that was implied by that statement, but he liked her next one even less. Seeing his potential reaction, she backtracked, and then accused him of being jealous of herself and Narcissa because they were the ones you were using your horse dick and sexual prowess to shag stupid, not him._

Harry just had to stop reading again to stare at his younger girlfriend. "She didn't."

"She did," Narcissa smiled at him teasingly. "-keep reading, luv."

_Do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a straight face, and the image of dark, menacing leader while watching a spectacle like that? As you can probably guess, I completely failed in that task, and laughed harder than I ever have before. It only made it worse for me when the boy actually went for his wand. Now I don't know for certain, but I think Bellatrix has been looking for an excuse to hex the brat for over a week, since she wasted no time in disarming him, and then slapping him with about eighty different minor hexes over the next few minutes. Then she started taking requests, and to my surprise and great amusement, both Narcissa and Lucius offered __nearly another dozen__ between the two of them._

_You know what the best part is? Having Narcissa back, and seeing __Draco's reactions to their__ less than subtle discussions of your prowess, their favorite things to have you do to them __when they had your __complete attention, and the things they planned on doing to you next chance they get. I swear, if I had known I could find this much enjoyment and amusement from writing to you, I might have done so sooner._

_Badness Personified,_

_Tom_

_Ps. Still waiting on that proof you offered that purebloods are not superior. Though if I'm honest, all I have to do is think about what happened that evening._

"Did the Dark Lord just send you a gossip letter?" Narcissa asked cloaked against his right side as she read along with him.

"Yes, he did, but I don't think he can really be called the Dark Lord anymore." Harry said. "I'd call him more of a Steel Gray Lord."

Narcissa gave him an amused smirk, before kissing him, and sitting up. "Well, I guess it's time to properly introduce me to your friends and family."

"Aren't you already acquainted with them all?" Harry asked, having missed Narcissa's presence, and not wanted to leave the warmth of her embrace just yet.

"Yes, but that was under much less friendly circumstances." She answered. "I'd like you to properly introduce me to the people you've become close to from a perspective not tainted by my son and Lucius."

"Yeah, I guess so." Harry said. "Plus I need to talk to Hermione about what the proper books to address Uncle Tom's post script would be. Fair warning, Ron's eyes may wander if you're wearing anything that shows enough skin in the right places- that is to say, any at all."

"Well I should hope so." She teased back, earning a raised eyebrow. "Dear Harry, women may get annoyed when men stare at them blatantly and undress them with their eyes, but we like being able to turn heads."

Shaking his head in exasperation, Harry climbed out of bed, and headed to the bathroom that was connected to his room, and the one on the other side of the bathroom. With a predatory gleam in her eyes, Narcissa followed him into the bathroom. It would be another hour before they finished, and they recovered enough to get dressed.

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That evening, after a very enjoyable day in which Narcissa endeared herself to Harry and his houseguests- mostly Neville who was finally understanding Potions, and Hermione who was amazed at her instructing abilities- Harry relaxed on his bed next to his sleeping girlfriend. Much as he was tempted to tease her awake, and put her back to sleep the fun way, they were going clothes shopping the next morning to replace his wardrobe, and then school shopping that afternoon. He needed to be up early and well rested to be able to handle the long day. Deciding just call it a night, Harry jotted a quick note to Voldemort, before laying down.

_Dear Tom,_

_Sorry that I haven't written in a few days. Things have been rather busy around here lately, though sadly not anywhere near amusing. Aside from a couple minor pranks on the Order that involved evicting them from the premises, and not telling them until they showed up for their next meeting, things have been quiet really. I've been teaching everyone Occlumency and some simple wandless magic, and they've done well with that. Given the success of my past students, I'm really starting to look at teaching as something I'd like to pursue._

_Ginny loved your birthday present, but I'm sure you already knew that. I'll be sending you a package with my proof in a couple days._

_Harry_

_Ps. I've always wondered, was it you or Quirrel teaching us first year?_

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August 17

Two days later, after receiving Harry's latest note, Voldemort received a fairly weighted package in the mail. Given the shape of the package, he wagered that he'd received a book, and a fairly thick book at that. Sighing, he removed the packaging, and saw that the book he'd received was a fairly recent copy of a book/journal that had been published before he'd even been born. Folded inside the book were also several pages of what looked to be diagrams of several magical diseases, most notably squibdom. He also noticed that there were several bookmarked pages that he assumed were meant for his focus.

Curious as to what this book might contain that would disprove the blood pride he championed, Voldemort sat back in his amazingly comfortable Lay Z Boy to read the book he'd been sent entitled Mimicry in Butterflies.

Being that it was a relatively short book- only 244 pages- it only took Voldemort a few hours to read the entire book. Unfortunately, even as informative, interesting, and enlightening as the text was, it still hadn't truly helped him to understand the concepts of the four boxes, the pairs of letter along two sides of the boxes, or how it was connected to squibdom, and other magical diseases. Remembering that Random Death Eater 32 had been the one to actually find his Muggle made chair, he assumed that he must have some knowledge of the Muggle world, and decided that he'd get the man to teach him what he needed to know.

It was a lucky thing that the aforementioned Death Eater was a Halfblood, and had- due to his mother- spent enough time in the Muggle world and the Muggle educational system, that he knew what a Punnett Square was. It was also fortunate that he knew how to use one, and was knowledgeable enough teach his master how to do it as well. Without even looking at the book, the servant flipped through the pages of diagrams of magical diseases. Using one of the common allergies that were known to run in families, Random Death Eater 32 showed the Dark Lord how to determine the probability of a particular genetic ailment in offspring, and even over several generations in a family line.

After sufficiently learning the process- and again finding himself oddly impressed with Muggle ingenuity- Voldemort dismissed his follower, and reached for the notes detailing Squibdom. Much as he didn't want to, he had to see this for himself, he had to know if the inbreeding of purebloods was causing it. Using his recently acquired knowledge, he filled in the squares, replacing the given example of color blindness with Squibdom. And with that, he began his calculations, covering several generations using the preferred marriage ideals that he was promoting to determine the true cause in the recent rise in the number of Squibs.

After more than an hour of equations, and rechecking his answers, he came to a conclusion that he really did not like. To his horror, he found that the blood purists were in fact the cause of the rapid rise of Squibs, not the Muggleborn. Without new genetic traits being added to the gene pool, their bloodlines were weakening as the same materials were being recycled over and over again. Before long, recessive traits- which hadn't been a problem before- began showing up more and more, until the only thing that was being passed on were the undesired defects. Not only that, but he found that the purebloods would effectively kill their lines off within a dozen generations if they kept at it. With a deep frown on his face, he decided it was time to call a full, mandatory Death Eater meeting, and enlighten a few people. But first, he needed to find out what else they'd missed by dismissing the Muggles and their advancements.

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"Lucius, do you consider yourself to be an intelligent man?" Voldemort asked half an hour later once all of his minions had been assembled.

"While not nearly as gifted as you, my lord, I would say yes." The blond answered. His tone was smooth and cultured, showing off his gift with placation, and flowery words. The image was ruined however when he began twitching uncontrollably in one of his fits.

No one had been able to figure out how he'd survived the arranged accident, but the results hadn't been pretty. While he wasn't always suffering from the effects, his chronic twitch and proneness to sudden seizures had compromised his effectiveness- even if it had been hilarious seeing his Entrails Expelling Curse turn into a Bowel Loosening Hex because of his twitch. As a result, Lucius' function had been downgraded dramatically to piggybank, and refreshment duty. Ironic how the twitch had made him an excellent baker. It was just fortunate that he was too far gone to truly realize that his wife was cheating on him with a young man half his age, even when the facts were literally explained right in front of him, and he was actively discussing them. The other Death Eaters all felt so sorry for him now, that no one wanted to see him suffer through that revelation once it finally set in.

"Then explain to me how you could have missed something this obvious?" He growled, snapping off a Cruciatus that finally succeeded in killing him. In hindsight, calling the meeting with the mood he was in was probably a bad idea, as he'd be prone to letting his anger get the better of him, as we just shown. Oh well, he was sure Narcissa would appreciate the gesture, possibly Draco as well eventually. Still greatly frustrated at the circumstance, he turned back to the others in the room. He then enlarged the pages of notes he'd made so that the assembled followers could see clearly. "So why has no one in the magical world ever seen this?"

"This is Muggle trash." Someone spoke up from the back, earning himself a bout of the pain curse.

"Yes, and it would seem that the filth has surpassed us in this area." Voldemort said, shocking his minions. "When I took Muggle Studies, purely for the extra OWL and NEWT, I thought that the Muggle world and its so called advances were primitive. It would seem however, that they have picked up the pace in the last half a century, while the Professors are still teaching the students lessons that haven't applied to them for over sixty years."

For the next hour, Voldemort virtually scarred his minions with the simple discoveries he'd made just from performing Leglimency on a Muggle teenager. Amongst these traumatizing topics were weapons of immense power, moon landings, and worst of all, the genetic research- still on display- that actually proved their claims of superior blood were full of shit.

To Be Concluded...

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There's nothing to see here, I just wanted to get my word count over 33,000.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: labrat/NarutosBrat wrote Harry Potter. Who me? Yes you! Couldn't be. Then who? The evil shewitch JKR who came up with such a sick twisted concept as Albus Severus Potter. I mean seriously, I could see that ending coming a mile away, and I wouldn't have even really made much of a stink about the epilogue if it hadn't been for that. I think at that point, I lost any and all respect I may have had left for canon Harry Potter.**

A/N: To everyone who has alerted or favorited my stories, I thank you, but I implore you to seek psychiatric help. It takes a sick sonuva to enjoy stories written by a twisted, demented bastard like me.

Also, please don't ask me where ideas like this come from. I have runners who does my venturing into the dark reccesses of my mind where fics like this originate. He and his girlfriend are made of much stronger stuff than I am, and they're in therapy now, so I guess I'm hiring.

**Finally, fair warning, the epilogue is pure crack. Do not flame me, you have been warned.**

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August 18

It's amazing when one has an epiphany. For Ron Weasley that moment came in the afternoon, on the 18th of August shortly after a row with the girl he'd been crushing on for over a year. It had started out like most of their mundane arguments, bickering over something trivial, before devolving into a full blown argument. As was par for the course, the insults got progressively more offensive. Now usually, either Hermione stormed off, or backed down at this point, or he realized that if he kept going he'd push things too far, and say something that couldn't readily be forgiven.

Unfortunately, this was one of those arguments where it was his turn to back down, and his filter had taken a vacation. The insult was out of his mouth before he could stop it. Seeing the looks of shock, the tears forming in Hermione's eyes, and the look of pure loathing coming from her face, he knew that he'd crossed way over the line. Knowing that nothing he said would make things right between them right now, and that it would be awhile before Hermione even considered forgiving him, Ron stood from the table, and left the kitchen. Upon reaching the top of the stairs, he passed the door to his room, kept going until he reached the one Harry had claimed, and decided to face the music.

"Harry?" Harry looked up from the Runes book on his lap. He was doing a bit of final revision for his test in three days.

"Yeah, mate?"

"Treat Hermione good, okay?" He said his eyes glued to the floor.

"What happened?" Harry asked, frowning.

"Hermione and I got into it, and I said something that was way across the line." Ron admitted. "I'm not going to repeat what I said, so don't ask, but I know that any chance I may have had with Hermione is gone now. So just, do me a favor and be good to her, okay?"

"Um, okay." Harry replied.

"Well, I'll see you all on the first." Ron said. "Trying to stay would probably be a bad idea with Hermione here, and I should probably give everyone a chance to either calm down, or get past what I said, before I even think about showing my face, trying to apologize, or asking for forgiveness."

"If you say so Ron." Harry said. "I do hope this doesn't completely ruin things between us, if it helps."

"Thanks mate," Ron replied. "Now if you'll excuse me, I need to pack."

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While still unsure about committing to being Mrs. Harry Potter, Hermione eventually ended up renting Harry, with an option to buy after tagging along with Harry and Narcissa when they went to meet Bellatrix. All she'd been told by the elder blonde was that the three were going to celebrate Harry's O score on the Runes OWL. While she could admit that she'd been just a bit frustrated that Harry had scored three points below her after only a couple weeks of study, Hermione was still very proud of him, and wanted to celebrate with them. She hadn't known that the celebration the two women had planned was mandatory 'no clothing'.

They met the eldest of Harry's lovers at an inn near the entrance to Knocturn Alley coming from Diagon. Upon entering the room, Bellatrix wasted no time in jumping Harry, and already had him stripped before the other two ladies realized it. In order to keep the young woman from having to watch her elder sister act like a complete slag, Narcissa took Hermione back down to the lobby, and rented another room. There, she sat down, and got to know the Muggleborn that had held such sway with her boyfriend better, saying that she could wait for her sister to finish her first round before joining. Narcissa also apologized for not telling her beforehand what their planned celebration entailed.

With the others so efficiently occupied, Narcissa tried to use the time provided to prove that she was indeed bisexual, and that she knew how to get a woman off. Sadly, Hermione protested, and the elder witch wasn't about to force the issue. When Bella finally finished, and Hermione still hadn't cracked, Narcissa just shrugged, and joined her sister and boyfriend. Before stripping and jumping Harry, however, she casually casts a pair of Charms on the wall separating the two rooms. These Charms would give Hermione a front row seat of their celebration. Being able to see and hear what was going on next door had Hermione rubbing herself raw by the time Harry finished celebrating with the two older women.

To everyone's shock, Bellatrix followed the trio out of the inn when they went to return room keys, and return to Grimmauld Place. According to the raven haired witch, Harry's rather informative 'proof' had ended her former master's campaign, and would likely completely undermine the both the pureblood agenda and established status quo to the point of destabalizing the Ministry. Given that she didn't have anywhere else to be, she figured she may as well go back home with her sister and new master. Harry protested being called anyone's master, but when Bellatrix promised to only call him that when they were naked and sweaty, he couldn't lodge any kind of protest given the slight coughing fit he ended up with.

With a glamour to mask her appearance until they actually arrived, the move into Grimmauld Place met with little to no trouble...aside from a slightly rocky start with Neville- who'd ended up being allowed to stay for the remainder of the summer when his Grandmother was called overseas to testify on behalf of her estranged baby brother's sanity. Later that evening, while Harry was regaling Hermione with all the interesting things he'd learned form Narcissa the past week or so- things that she'd yet to cover with the others- they found themselves interrupted by two randy witches. Despite having been thoroughly done in earlier that day, Bellatrix was insisting on making up for lost time, and Narcissa had decided not to miss out on another opportunity for great sex.

Hermione initially protested when they tried to drag her into the action, but a number of factors went a long way in battering her defenses until they'd whittled down to nothing. First came being distracted by Bellatrix's head bobbing in Harry's lap. Narcissa used her sisters loud, obscene oral distraction to sneak in and snog her silly, further distracting her for the next assault on her protests. This came in the form of Bellatrix releasing Harry, and suckling on Hermione's exposed nipples- which Narcissa had also managed to do while distracting the young witch with her kiss. With her struggles calmed enough to move forward- and the fact that she was actively kissing and fondling Narcissa back said as much- Harry delivered the coup de gras when he applied his expert tongue training to go down on her. Hermione certainly approved of how cunning a linguist Harry was when she heard hissing, and stars exploded before her eyes.

They finally finished their debaucherous marathon in the wee hours of the morning with Narcissa and Bellatrix tonguing her fanny and anus respectively. Hermione was straddling Narcissa's face, Bellatrix was straddling her sister behind Hermione, while the youngest witch in the room was doing magical things with her mouth as she lathered Harry's magnificent todger with her saliva. It was as she climaxed a final time that she decided she might take the advice she'd already received from several sources.

Luckily for Hermione, Narcissa and Bellatrix had made known the importance of a girl's first time, or the lustful haze would have seen her riding Harry like a pornstar. It was for this reason that Hermione didn't lose her virginity until three nights later. It was equally special because she had been able to initiate things, and mostly control the pace. After all, once she'd finally gotten used to the fullness, and told Harry to go harder and faster, she'd lost all control of the situation, and could do little but lay back and enjoy the ride- no pun intended. She had to admit that Narcissa hadn't been lying about having him well prepared for his wedding night.

It was two days after that when the others find out about the odd relationship when they stumbled upon Harry and his lovers mid-rut. Harry was kneeling behind Narcissa, thrusting wildly from behind, while she was providing clean up for Hermione whose belly felt decidedly full. Bellatrix- who had begged Harry to give it to her from behind without mercy- was still unconscious from the strength of her last climax.

Neville and Ginny could only stare wide eyed at the spectacle on the bed. Despite personal feelings, and standing commitments, both teens could admit to feeling quite a bit of gender appropriate envy for the bed's occupants. Lessons for that day were postponed for an hour while the debaucherous group finished and cleaned up. They were eventually canceled when Neville and Ginny proved far too distracted to get anything out of them, spending most of the time off in their own little worlds.

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By the time the summer ended, British Wizarding society had gone through a most shocking change. The first of which was when- in an ironic twist of fate- after turning herself in by way of her niece, Bellatrix got off by claiming Imperius. When they found traces of a potion that mimicked the Unforgivable, they had no choice but to accept it. Snape really was good with potions, you know. Upon learning that Bellatrix had moved into Grimmauld Place around mid August, the Order was rightfully afraid of what she might do with access to so many potential victims.

Things took a turn for the better when they got word of the awkwardness between she and Neville there for the first few days; as well as the solution that followed. After spending a night alone with the woman, the hostility between them was ended. Neville emerged from the room the next morning with a triumphant smile, and a hoarse voice. Bellatrix was found sitting in a corner, knees pulled up to her chest, rocking back and forth, and in desperate need of penis induced comfort. While they never found out what happened, they did find that she developed a slight twitch whenever Celestina Warbeck- whom she'd already detested- was played on the wireless. Things between Neville and Bellatrix became much more civil afterwards; even friendly once she finally recovered, and declared him her protege.

The very next evening, the sister's Black met, and were once again on friendly terms, much to the shock of Andromeda. When Bellatrix and Narcissa went to visit their younger and older sister respectively, the first thing they did was draw her into a group hug- well, technically the second, as they'd had to petrify her to keep her from cursing them while they explained things to her. Bellatrix then went even further by apologizing about giving her grief for having the guts to actually admit that she didn't want to marry the man that their parents had chosen for them. When Ted Tonks came home to find his wife and her sisters having a tearful, yet happy reunion, while catching up, he almost fainted. When Bella started grilling her little sis on how he was in bed, he did faint.

Tonks found the whole thing surreal, especially when her aunt Bellatrix started grilling her about whether 'Wolfie' was an animal in the sac. When she expressed a desire to find out for herself, and revealed that Remus was constantly throwing excuses her way about why they shouldn't be together, Harry staged an intervention for his father's good friend. It took only three hours of convincing to get Remus' head on straight. And it started with Harry sitting him down, and explaining things to him.

"Moony, why do you keep pushing her away." Harryasked. "Awesomeness in bed aside, Tonks is a great girl. She, like everyone else here, obviously doesn't care about your affliction. In fact, you seem to be the only one who does, and it's rather obvious that with the right precautions, it'll rarely, if ever be a problem. It's time to stop feeling sorry for yourself, and get your shit together, wolfie."

"Harry-" Remus started to again protest, but found himself silenced by Bellatrix. What followed was Harry describing in explicit detail- with Tonks' permission, of course- the things she could do to a bloke to make him cum from personal experience. It then took another six hours of experimentation for Tonks to confirm that yes, Wolfie was definitely an animal in the sac.

Tonks would never admit which one was the better lay between Remus and Harry, just smile this mischievous little smile and go responsive for a few minutes, staring off into space. In honesty, she never compared the two. More than once, however, she did have fantasies where she wondered what it might be like to take on both of them at the same time. She probably wouldn't survive, but what a way to go.

The next big shock came when Voldemort gave up his quest for world rule, and turned himself in to the authorities- he'd also somehow get off using the Imperius defense. Harry found it entirely amusing that he ended up turning the tables on many of the Death Eaters who'd used that defense, implicating their fathers as having put him under the curse so many years ago, and using his former handsomeness and charisma to further their own agendas. That Dumbledore unknowingly helped Tom's case by vouching for the two characteristics- and expressing shock that such a bright student had turned out the way he had- nearly had him in tears. Harry wasn't sure whether Dumbledore was acting, or just extremely gullible, when he'd gave a pained sigh at having not seen what was happening, and allowing such a gifted student to be used in such a way, but he was very convincing.

Much to Snape's annoyance, Dumbledore would receive an application for professor of Defense Against the Dark Arts from Tom Marvolo Riddle. To the greasy bats further annoyance, he was much more qualified for the post, and would be given the job. To the anger and horror of the man, as the Heir of Slytherin, the students of his house would start a petition to have Snape replaced as their Head of House. Given the wide popularity of Professor Riddle and his classes, it wasn't surprising that students from all of the houses signed, and the appointment went through. He quickly became the most popular professor at Hogwarts, and eventually replaced Dumbledore as Headmaster when McGonagall decided to remain Deputy.

Before classes even started, Tom made it a point to seek out, and apologize to Hagrid for the ordeal that resulted in his expulsion. He even offered to petition for Hagrid to regain the right to his wand, and to help tutor him so that he could become a wand using member of society. It would certainly make teaching his classes easier, as well as dealing with his beasties. Not only that, but it would also allow Hagrid to finally complete his full Mastery Course in Magical Creatures. Hagrid- being the nice guy he is, and in the face of everything offered- forgave Tom easily.

The night before school was set to start, Harry and Tom decided to add further add credence to his innocence- more on that later- by orchestrating a massive Death Eater capture. Tom, using Severus Snape's mark, summoned the entirety of his minions into a massive prank bomb- courtesy of the Weasley Twins and Mr. Moony- that ended with a one way trip to Azkaban via the Aurors and Order Members ready to apprehend them. The only former Death Eaters that escaped the sweep were Bellatrix, Snape, and Random Death Eaters 23 and 32. Bellatrix because of the potion, Snape because he was a spy for Dumbledore, and the latter two because Harry and Tom vouched for them. Why you ask, because they'd dealt with Umbridge and brought Tom his delightful recliner. Besides, aside from that thing with Umbridge- whom they really disliked- they were decent blokes.

Even moreso, they'd been at school at the same time as Harry's parents, and were able to tell stories about his mum and the Marauders war with Snape from an outsiders point of view. James was indeed a bit of a bully, but not to people who didn't deserve it. It turned out, that with the exception of Snape- where jealous of his closeness with Lily was involved- the Marauders tended to mostly target people who were falling into the Pureblood agenda and outwardly becoming bigots. Something about the wankers making them all look bad.

Harry Potter would wind up being the first ever student to be named Head Boy before he even reached his Seventh year, and the only student to ever hold the position two years in a row. Dumbledore's reasoning for the appointment, was that Harry had accomplished what he'd never been able to: he redeemed Tom and Bellatrix, and brought them back to the light. No one would disagree with the appointment, because he'd not only fulfilled the prophecy, but he'd ended the curse on the defense position, and gotten a highly intelligent, exceptionally powerful magic user to become a productive member of society. This of course only garnered Harry even more fame, and in the end, he decided to just embrace it, and use his fame for a good cause...making Colin Creevey Minister for Magic.

Upon finding out that Harry had not only been banging two fit older women and Hermione, but that he'd been named Quidditch Captain and Head Boy, Ron reacted in typical fashion: throw a fit, and gripe about how it wasn't fair. Luckily for him, he'd chosen to do this privately, as it could have likely ended up with him losing his best friends. His fit was premature, however, as Harry realized that Head Boy duties and Quidditch Captain duties would be too much to deal with; especially if he wanted to keep his grades up, and be able to satisfy his three girlfriends; that would soon become wives along with two others, though he didn't know that yet. While he'd still play, he passed the captaincy on to Ron who unsurprisingly flourished at the position after about a month of floundering under all the attention. After their first game, which Gryffindor won, he settled down, and his extensive knowledge of the game showed through.

There was a bit of a stir on September 1 when Voldemort was introduced as the new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor, and Bellatrix Black was introduced as his assistant, since they refused to give her the title she wanted. After all, Harry Potter's cocksleeve just wasn't kid friendly. The dueling club she started was extremely popular, and her baby sister's Potions turtoring had just as many loyal followers. Narcissa would eventually take over the first three years of Potions once Tom took over as Headmaster, as it was deemed a more delicate touch was needed for the initial learning.

During his first Defense class, Harry was proven absolutely correct; Tom was an incredible teacher. Harry had been surprised when on the first day of classes, Tom had regained much of his formerly handsome features. Tom attributed it to reabsorbing his Horcruxes, but it was also because of all of his good deeds, and regaining his humanity. And Harry wasn't the only one to notice the new handsome professor.

On her birthday, Harry proposed to Hermione, who hesitated in answering; mostly because she wasn't sure if she was ready to take that plunge. Three days later, Narcissa was made the new Lady Black when it was discovered that Draco would have a new half-sibling. Bellatrix, in a fit of jealousy, decided to drag Harry to bed, and by Halloween, Draco would have a new cousin on the way as well. These two announcements would lead to a rather debaucherous week of almost nonstop unprotected naked hugging between Harry, his wife, the young woman he hoped would accept his proposal as Lady Potter, and his Mistress; as well as a future pregnancy scare for the Lady Potter around mid-December which would turn out to be an acute case of Influenza. It also led to Harry being given married students' quarters, which Narcissa had insisted upon, after finding out that she and her sister were both with child.

After waking up every day for four and half months with one of three- especially after Bella moved in, and the two recently widowed Blacks somehow conned unpaid positions on Hogwarts' staff out of Dumbledore- extremely practiced tongues doing wonderful things between her legs, Hermione finally caved the night before Christmas. And while both Bellatrix and Narcissa had been adamant about her joining their pudding club, Hermione managed to hold out until Harry put a stop to it. It hadn't been easy though, what with Bellatrix constantly trying to slip her fertility draughts and lust potions keyed to Harry.

In an odd twist, and a scandal that Rita Skeeter nearly creamed herself over, Tom Riddle publicly adopted Harry Potter as his heir. While it should have been done quietly, apparently someone in the Clerks Department misfiled the paperwork he'd had turned in by one of his unmarked followers. When the new permanent Minister of Magic Rufus Scrimgeour interrupted dinner the first night back from Christmas break and made a bitch about it, Tom publicly declared that Harry Potter was his heir, and that he'd filed the paperwork even before he'd been able to shake off that Imperius, and return to the light.

When asked why he'd chosen Potter, his answer was that as his closest living relative, he was the obvious choice. In truth, while it was a cousinship several times removed, the fact of the matter was that Harry was the only person still alive that had any family ties to him. Harry's ability to speak Parseltongue- which Voldemort ensured Harry kept even after the Horcrux was eliminated, because it would be a dick move to take away such an awesome trick to drive witches crazy, especially since Harry was the one to point that particular use out to him- further confirmed it.

His reasoning that the young man had technically defeated him at least three times made his claim to heirdom legit. Of course, no one called him on this. Because it was Harry Potter and Tom 'I am Lord Voldemort' Riddle, wizarding Britain just decided to ignore the inconsistencies, and agree with the smarter, more powerful wizard like they'd been doing for centuries. Unfortunately, this would require Harry to take another wife to continue Slytherin's line- which Bellatrix was only more than happy to claim- as well as the Peverell line of which they were now the last two of, and which Tom- by default- currently had headship of. Harry couldn't help making a joke about it being ironic that they were the last two of that family, yet oddly, Tom's former occupation had nothing to do with it.

Ginny Weasley- who'd amicably split with former boyfriend Dean Thomas by this time- quickly volunteered to be Lady Peverell, but soon changed her mind. You see, Prewett women tended to be so easily satisfied in bed that a mediocre lover was more than enough to turn them completely out. Oddly enough, women born to the Weasley family were the same way, so Ginny got a double dose of the trait. What this meant, was that even a first time shagger with less than average equipment could get her off spectacularly, and it took absolutely no talent for someone of normal size to pretty much shag her into a senseless, drooling mess. For someone like Harry- who was incredibly well endowed, naturally gifted in the sensual arts, and who'd gained a lot of experience from constantly shagging two older women and his best friend- this was just a bad situation waiting to happen.

After one good reaming from Harry- where her number of climaxes exceeded both her parents ages, though thankfully not combined- left her catatonic and drooling for four days as she recovered- and induced fears from her family and friends that she'd be joining the Longbottoms in the Janus Thickey Ward- she decided that Harry was way, way, way too much of a stud for her, and capable of producing too much orgasmic happy in her for her to spend the rest of her life with him- even with three other women taking the brunt of it. She did make a joke that even if she had ended up on the closed ward, it would have been a bloody fantastic way to go. Luckily, this occurred the day before the start of Easter Break, so she didn't miss anything while she was incapacitated.

Luna also turned down the offer of being Lady Peverell, as she didn't want to marry Harry, even if she was sexually attracted to him, and would like to make love to him. She also oddly enough said that she'd wait to take up the free shag that Harry's wives offered her, because she knew that sleeping with him now would surely end with the above undesired result.

The position of Lady Peverell would eventually go to the Patil Twins. The circumstances of that occurrence were as odd as they were humorous. You see, originally, the position was intended for Padma, whom Harry had begun dating during the latter half of his sixth year with major encouragement from all of his then current wives. Once they'd reached a point where Harry knew that she was the one, he proposed. That's when things took a turn for the weird. Less than a week later, Parvati began wearing a ring identical to her sister's in every way- which kind of made him regret not using one of the numerous family engagement rings he'd had available to him.

Shortly after that, they'd taken to switching places, and in Hogwarts robes the only way to tell them apart was the house patch. Regardless of how good a boyfriend he wanted to be by being able to tell them apart- which normally he'd have been able to do after learning some of Padma's quirks- Parvati and Padma had already gone to great pains to make that impossible. In the end, unable to distinguish which sister he'd proposed to from the other- and they certainly weren't telling- he'd been forced to marry both, which he'd done nine days after their sixth year ended. Only then had they dropped the insanity so that he could tell them apart again. To make up for their deceit, the twins made sure that neither Harry, nor their sister wives ever regretted taking them both in. His fourth wedding night- which ended up running for two and a half days before everyone involved collapsed and slept for the other half of the third day- definitely went a long ways in doing just that.

One evening while the family was lounging in their rooms, because the thought just wouldn't go away, Harry asked the twins why they'd done what they did. The answer they gave was amusing and interestingly enlightening. The most pressing matter was that as the eldest daughter, Padma couldn't wed until Parvati had been married first. Thus explaining why they'd insisted Parvati exchange her vows first. The second reason, was because they'd agreed, on their first train ride to Hogwarts, that if either one of them managed to land Harry Potter, and it looked to be a sure thing, they would share him. Padma even admitted that she'd hoped that they'd have been able to get things going during the Yule Ball. When it became obvious that Ron was going to sit and sulk over Hermione the entire time, they'd hoped that he would step in and ensure they both had a good time. In turn, they'd both show him their appreciation afterwards; though topless snogging was as far as they'd have been willing to go at that age.

Less than a year after becoming Defense Professor, Tom would be forced to come out and admit to the secret relationship he'd been having with Professor McGonagall since that Christmas. The two would marry that summer, and Tom shocked everyone by taking her name. While he was no longer ashamed of his heritage, he still had issues with his father; not that Harry could blame him; his Muggle relatives were just as much dicks as Tom's were. While they never had any children together, Harry happily provided them with more than enough grandchildren to spoil.

Harry found it even further amusing that Tom would gain further prestige by revealing to the magical masses research that Muggles had long since discovered; while at the same time claiming that those evil men who'd Imperius'd him, had turned him into Voldemort to silence him from revealing the truth. St. Mungo's was flooded with blood supremists for nearly a week afterwards. Patients with both mental (minds snapped from the trauma) and physical (most often from botched suicide attempts) packed the hospital as the blood whores reacted to having their beliefs stomped on, disproved, and shoved in their collective faces.

While the first year of Professor Riddle's residence as a professor was extremely frustrating for Severus Snape, things actually started looking up. At the wedding of Harry Peverell to Padma and Parvati Patil, a drunk Snape- who'd been invited and strongly advised (read forced) to attend- would end up spending the night with an equally intoxicated widow by the name of Petunia Dursley. They would marry several months later when they discovered that their one night stand had led to a happy accident. With him getting consistently laid by his hormonal wife, Snape actually became a likable human being, and his classes became quite popular as well. He even mellowed to the point that he wasn't even bothered when Headmaster McGonagall hired Harry Potter as the new Defense Professor.

The best two things to ever happen to Dudley Dursley were his exposure to the Dementors, and the death of his father- a massive double heart attack suffered when he'd read the invitation from Harry to attend the freak's wedding to a pair of Indian twins. Without Vernon to raise a fuss, Petunia and Dudley Dursley would attend Harry's wedding, and find their soul mates. Petunia finding hers in the boy she'd once loathed for seducing her sister away from their family with his powers. Dudley finding his in a buxom young witch named Millicent. The two married three years later, and had four children; three of which attended Hogwarts, the last becoming a geneticist and researcher who actually discovered the gene that determined magical ability. Along with his elder sister, they were able to completely eliminate Squibdom as a magical defect.

Neville Longbottom found himself reaping the benefits of being Harry's friend as well. Being Harry's friend, and Bellatrix Slytherin's protege had given the young man a confidence, presence, and prestige that nearly rivaled that of his being the heir to the Ancient and Noble House of Longbottom. When he'd asked out Hannah Abbott, he'd learned that she and her best friend Susan Bones shared practically everything. Hannah soon found herself in line to become the Lady Longbottom, while her best friend had a Line Continuation arrangement to protect House Bones from extinction. When asked why they decided to share Neville, Susan had gone on record as saying that they'd taken inspiration from Harry's family. Besides, since they practically shared everything else, and the situation fit her family need perfectly, so why not?

Without his father there to guide him, Draco Malfoy became much less of a dick. With his mother's influence, he actually became something that the new Black Family could be proud of. In a bit of an odd twist, Ginevra Molly would become the new Lady Malfoy nee Weasley, effectively ending the Blood Feud that had been going for more than two hundred years. This was fortunate for Draco, as his Mafloy genes had really screwed him over in the size and prowess department. Thankfully, with Ginny's ease of satisfaction- which only increased after their first child was born- he'd never have any trouble putting his wife to sleep with a deliriously happy smile on her face. He wasn't even offended when Harry slipped him a 'How to...' manual on coaxing her to messy orgasms as a wedding present. They regularly made a habit of breaking out the book, and using her messy orgasms to completely ruin any piece of furniture they were planning to replace.

Years down the road, Luna would marry Rolf Scamander. Apparently even with all the changes, she was slated to marry him- kinda like they were soul mates or something. The only problem was that an expedition with his grandfather during puberty had left the young man sterile. Rolf wanted children, and so did Luna, so Rolf approached the man who'd become something of a best friend- and whom had been his best man- about being the surrogate donor. It should come as no surprise that the Wizarding world only allowed artificial insemination for special circumstances that he just knew this wouldn't fall under with his luck. That had made Harry unsure.

Luckily for them, Narcissa had once again taken up her passion of Potions making, had gone for, and achieved, her Mastery along with Hermione's help- who had done the same- created a variation of the Polyjuice that would allow Harry to take the form of Rolf, and even ejaculate Rolf's DNA in the form, while still keeping his own virility, volume, and potency. Luna would have seven children by Polyjuiced Harry- three sets of twins (two boys then four girls), and another boy- and Rolf would love and adore each and every one of them, profusely thanking Harry (with hugs and chocolates of all things) each time Luna got pregnant. In an odd twist of fate, Luna's seventh child- who just so happened to be born 7-7-2007- would be the one to finally discover the elusive Snorkack. In an odd fit of irony, he would discover that the creatures they'd been calling Garden Gnomes for over five hundred years were actually the Snorkacks his mother and grandfather had been searching for.

Ron would go on to play for the Cannons, and actually bring them to a .500 team within two seasons. And in his third season, when- just for kicks mind you- several former members of the Gryffindor Quidditch team decided to sign a contract for a season, and donate their salaries to charity (Harry's idea of course), the Cannons would record their first league title in history. When Krum signed two years later, and they finally got a couple decent Chasers, the Cannons became a serious contender, and would win their division several more times over the course of Ron's playing career.

Upon retiring, and taking up a management position, that's when the Cannons' fortune really started taking off. Between his own, Harry's, Neville's, Viktor's, and his siblings children, the Cannons never had a shortage of exceptionally gifted Quidditch players to sign- well, the few who decided to go pro, anyway. Ironically enough, it was Harry's youngest daughter with Hermione that would go on to become the Michael Jordan of Quidditch. When the owner of the team passed, he left it to Ron- who'd brought the team so much success. By the time Ron Weasley passed away, the Chudley Cannons had won a record 34 league titles, and a record 19 straight.

On a related note, after a string of rejections and horrible dates with the few girls who'd accepted, Ron's jealousy over Harry's love life disappeared on the train ride to Hogwarts for their last year. Lavender Brown kidnapped him during his Prefect rounds, pushed him onto a bench in an empty train car, and sucked his knees to rubber. With the inside track on Ronald Weasley- thanks in part to his two best friends- Lavender had no trouble wrapping the boy around her finger. It was a lucky thing that they were actually a good match for each other, because her feminine wiles had him proposing to her on Valentines day of their seventh year. They would marry on September 1, two years after they got together, in remembrance of the day they'd found each other.

They would go on to have a dozen children together, leaving many women in fits of jealousy over how she had so many children, yet never lost her delicious hourglass figure, but each pregnancy just seemed to add to her mind-numbingly brilliant curves. Were anyone to really pay attention, they'd have noticed that Lavender's pregnancies always tended to occur right after the Cannons had milestone successes. Their first three- and their first set of triplets- were conceived less than a week after the Cannons first league title, and she always seemed to have a pregnancy announcement within a couple months of the team winning their division. She'd have her ability to have children completely removed shortly before her 36th birthday, after their twelfth child was born.

Fred and George Weasley- along with their best friend Lee Jordan- had created and would run the greatest joke shop in the world: WeasLee Wizard Wheezes. With Harry as a silent partner, and Mr. Moony as a product consultant, the joke shop would become an overnight success. Within seven years of their first shop opening its doors, they'd bought out Zonko's, and begun using the much more organized facilities to take their enterprise to even greater heights.

Fred, George, and Lee would would eventually marry Angelina, Katie, and Alicia respectively, and all of them would share a home. The relationship the three couples shared was unorthodox to say the least, with it not being a rare sight to find one the girls sharing a bed with any one of the other household's husbands (1). As a matter of fact, Angie, Katie, and Alicia each had a child by all three men. Ironically enough, all three women would produce a set of twins with their own husbands.

Remus Lupin would indeed marry Nymphadora Tonks, and naughty games of Red Riding Hood would ensue on an almost weekly basis; one of which resulted in their son Theodore Lupin. They would have three more children together- once she'd finally been talked into taking a desk job in the DMLE- and to Remus's delight, none of them would have his affliction. Of course, he'd almost had a heart attack when his eldest, Teddy, figured out how to use his morphing gift to actually take the form of a werewolf. And if that wasn't bad enough, as a prank, he'd taught all three of his younger siblings how to do it. Harry had laughed at him, telling him that the Marauder blood was strong in young Theodore, and that this was what he got for being the sole surviving Marauder.

In an odd twist, a vow that Tom made back before he'd officially turned came back to him. He'd once vowed that if Potter scored with all three Black sisters, he'd be driven to wholescale slaughter to calm himself down. He'd also vowed that if he got them all at the same time, there would be nothing to stop him killing him. Luckily for several people who had vested interests in Harry's wellfare, Minerva was quite well versed in ways to calm him down. Not only that, but making good on that promise would cost him the love of his life and his heir.

Now you may be wondering why the vow had come back up in the first place. Well, it just so happens that at Remus and Dora's wedding, Ted got a little tipsy, and revealed a secret desire of his that Narcissa and Bellatrix were all to happy to help set up. This desire, to watch his wife make love to another man; though thankfully for their marital happiness- because it was doubtful Andromeda would have gone along with it otherwise- it was just a curiosity he'd wanted to explore once in his life.

It was a good thing that Ted passed out after the first half hour- seeing her sisters doing such kinky things to his wife overloaded his brain with happy thoughts- because by the time the second hour started, he'd have realized this wasn't a fetish he wanted any part of. If he'd seen or heard even half the things his wife was doing and saying/screaming, well it might have made him feel like less of a man.

On her twentieth birthday- which was about four weeks after she'd completed her Charms Mastery training, and was the night before her final examinations for certification- Gabrielle Delacour visited the Potter-Black-Slytherin-Peverell home. She was always a welcome guest as Fleur's kid sister and friend of the family, had free access to come and go, and took complete advantage of that fact. Upon finding the entire family in the sitting room- well, the adults anyway, the children were either out playing or upstairs napping- she would release the full extent of her Allure on the group after shrugging off the very thin robe she'd been wearing.

She had been practicing for quite some time to get her Allure strong enough to overpower Harry's seemingly natural defenses against mind altering magic and substances, and it had paid off spectacularly. The uncontrollable lust induced orgy that took place for the next several hours left them all satisfied beyond belief, and proved that Harry was more than capable of handling five wives and a randy Veela at once. It also shouldn't be surprising that every woman in the room- who wasn't already, as was the case with Parvati and Bellatrix- ended up becoming pregnant as a result of the episode. Upon finding out that his daughter was pregnant by Harry Potter, Monsieur Delacour approached Harry about what should be done to keep the scandal from besmirching their houses.

In the end, Gabrielle became Harry's final wife by way of a Line Continuation Contract with the Delacours. Since they'd only had daughters, and hadn't been able to produce any more children- not through any lack of trying, a very smug Mr. and Mrs. Delacour would happily inform- they needed a child to carry on the name. Luckily, Potter family magic was predisposed to producing firstborn sons- although Bellatrix and Parvati's first had been girls. While Harry's children with Gabrielle were raised with their family, it was understood that they would be heirs of Delacour. Even still, Harry thoroughly enjoyed providing heirs for Monsieur Delacour's house, and Appolline absolutely doted on her three grandsons and granddaughter.

Three months later, Bellatrix gave birth to a healthy baby girl. Two months later, Parvati blessed him with another son. Four months later, the rest of Harry's wives all gave birth to healthy children. In an odd twist- one that Ron felt compelled to mention- the ladies all gave birth in reverse order of that which they'd joined the family. Starting with Gabrielle, they all gave new life, all within forty-five minutes of the wife before them. A deliriously happy Harry cast his Patronus to send out the message to the extended family, and three months later, the corporeal, and very solid entity could still be found prancing around the Potter-Black-Slytherin-Peverell home.

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1. Look up polyfidelity for more information about specifics.

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This is the end for me in regards to this fic. However, if anyone is interested in going a little more in depth with the end of the summer, and on into the next few years as described by the epilogue, you're more than welcome to, and I daresay I'd like to see it.

Also, I wonder if anyone caught the slight reference to the prophecy I used to have Harry defeat the Dark Lord. Here's a hint, 'either must die at the _hand_ of the other'.

You want to know what's sad? I'm having so much fun writing crack fics, that I'm kind of reluctant to go back to my serious fics, or even the smut ones that I've got going.


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